Being accountable

I was having a good time yesterday at black dog when my dad told me to cut back on coffee because I am broke and I have no job. At first it made me mad, but he is right. So I am going to hold myself accountable a bit posting about the actions I take to cut back. First off I went in and cancelled my gym membership. I have other ways to work out that don't cost money and my apartment complex actually has weights, but they are rarely open. I am also just for today trying to get a small coffee when I go out tonight. I know how much talk is cheap and when the rubber really meets the road is when I make sacrifices that don't feel good to do. Right now I am in the mood to just write about cutting back...this part is simple...it is the choices when I am out and I can make the right choice and by a dollar McCoffee for 99 cents instead of the 9.99 fraparappacrapa-chino cooler from starbucks. So I am putting this out there to atleast have it in my mind to save some money and for today I am doing my best. Everything else is cool. I am trying to apply for jobs and trying to get a full-time job is full-time job in itself. Royals suck sporting is doing better. I keep making videos for my friends, there are people who struggle with their minds and I like doing something positive for them. It helps me really learn what the hell I am talking about if I teach it as well.

Royals and a weekend Wrapup

Monday was the day my family and I went out to the K to watch the Royals get their ass kicked again. Yadir Molina hit a homerun and the place exploded with redbird fans going crazy. It pissed me off, but what can you do? I wasn't the one that hung a complete shit-biscuit of a slider to have it crushed over the centerfield fence. The Royals continue to slide but on the bright side it didn't get rained out. I had fun as the K was electric and our seats were the best in the house. We have all you can eat and I took advantage of that. It was nice being really close to the players so I could see exactly what is going wrong with the Royals. The Royals just don't have lots of talent. They are bad. They will need to develop in order to win games, until they develop they will be complete assholes as playing the sport of baseball. They will lose lots of games. I sat by my mom the whole game and that was a nice change since my dad and I have watched millions of games together. She remained positive like a mom does even though the Royals we're getting their ass handed to them.

Sporting K.C. plays tonight and I look forward to them going far in the U.S. Open cup tournament. Last year they won the thing so I exect them to get through most the tournament this year as well. Their depth will be tested as lots of players will be gone to their national teams soon.

Emailing Ellen and being productive

Lots of where my talent lies is within my sense of humor. I emailed Ellen to see if she will give me a job. My plan this week is to try to be productive looking for jobs and being of service. I don't really care what job I do. In my heart I know I just want a bunch of money because that is what makes me feel the best. Especially when I make it rain dollar bills on bums outside of broadway cafe in westport.

Frenchy Quarter

Yesterday I went to The Royals game with JT and Jason. They were in a good mood and I was feeling good as well. The Royals lost. Pujols, Trout, and some other jack wagons went deep. The Royals are not doing well right now. Back to the game. The game went well in the stands. We were having fun yelling at Frenchy and the guys infront of us were having fun as well. JT and Jason smoke so I went over there and just talked to a bunch of people. There were fun interactions. I busted on a girls balls for saying Paddy Wagon. How bad that term is for the Irish. It was a fun and safe night all around.

My ability to talk to new girls

I was able to speak to a new girl "Rachael" yesterday at the black dog. She was very nice and very good looking. She was waiting to talk to her new roomate. She was from Portland. She remembered my name. Important things to note when going up to new girls. It is supposed to be fun and funny. The fact that I am 32 and still talking to random people is funny. I see humor in the ability to use Black Dog as playground to go up and have fun playful interactions. Jason was going to go upto Rachel before me, but you know you snooze you lose. We have all these girls who come to black dog who never come back. I like to think it is because of my raw sexuality and it scares them that they will just get pregnant if they come up there, but the fact is hot girls have more important things than just hang around black dog all n ight.

Do I practice what I preach?

I have chances to help people everyday. The people who need my help the most are the ones who ask for my help directly. I have a sense of wellbeing that comes from helping people, but my emotions aren't the most positive. I get through and cope with the situations of helping people by telling myself "Just help as much as you can"

I went to black dog yesterday and it was fun. Kurtis, JT, Adam (the big event), and Kris were there. We had a group of guys and it wasn't overwhelmingly fun, but it was cheap and it is nights like those that I will miss the most. I enjoyed it and like I said already, it only cost me the price of an overpriced cup of coffee.


Jason is an interesting man. He hates cartoons. He hates ordering the root and tootie fresh and fruitie at Ihop.....he parties with Michael Tucker and only wears Ralph Lauren's clothing line.

Giving Back.

I have the sense that my journey can take on a deeper meaning if a teach what I know and has helped me. The easiest way for me to feel what I have learned in my life MEANS something has been to teach others. Right now I have been on a youtube video kick. My thoughts have lots of ego in them. I want lots of hits on my youtube videos, but I know the real prize is that I enjoy doing the videos. Also they hold me accountable to myself. I know that that everytime I write blogs about hard work and positive thinking it helps me be accountable for my actions. I like the fact that there are a couple girls who make fun of my videos. I would rather have people watch the videos and make fun of me than not watch the videos. I try not to take myself too seriously...life should be enjoyed. To sum it up. teaching what I know and my experience helps me learn about myself, helps me enforce certain positive behaviors, and I enjoy doing it.

The boys at black dog

I got lots of good juice and good vibes hanging out with the guys tonight. I felt like I was going to rant and rave all night, but the other guys opened up about how we are trying to be better people. We have all known each other for awhile now and it was very clear tonight that we have made strides to being better people and that we all have open minds on what it takes to live a full and rich life. I felt very good about tonight and it was probably the best feeling I had in awhile. Plus you know the weather was nice and our server was hot as hell.

Saturday night

It is Saturday night and I feel alittle bit like crap. I worked out hard yesterday on a workout machine that can either go like nordictrac or a stairmaster. I really stayed on that thing until I was very very angry at it. Yesterday I went out. I always follow the Buck O'neal rule. If you see a girl in a red dress you have to talk to her. Her name was Kaylee. She was very fair skinned, alittle skinny but some meat, she was very cool and we connected for awhile until I made a move and she told me she had a boyfriend. I used to get mad at a girl that is attractive having a boyfriend, but now I am thankful they let me know ahead of time so they boyfriend doesn't come and pummel me. I talked to a bunch of other people and it was a pretty good night. The Royals still can't hit and they lost yesterday. That was very crappy. I am still hustling for jobs and I am open to ideas. My plan is really to just apply to places and get experience. When I was younger was scared of trying new things and stepping up. That really hurt me because I didn't get the valueable experience needed to really move forward with decent jobs. Now I have better grasp that I have to beat down doors and I have to step up and push myself out of my comfort zone to get better. The lead singer for Hi-Wire and I have been jamming out and trying to get better. It is a weird situation for sure and they are talking that we all might have to chip in some money to move the band forward. So that will be a tough decision. If we are playing gigs and I think we might have something I might spend money to do a decent recording, but if we are just not flowing, I am going to bow out of this band. I have to say though, his songs really aren't the worst thing on earth. There are a couple of them that are very fun and make sense when I play through the. Overall I feel good. I have a grasp that I need to wake up and work on something either be cleaning, playing base, futhering my career, or keeping my spiritual or physical side going forward. Raymond once asked me if I was happy. I explained to him that I probably could sit around and eat chocolate and really rest and write out gratitude lists. I could really work on getting my happiness up, but I am willing to be alright with today for a better tomorrow. There are lots of things in life that if I just don't shut the door on, they may contain very valueable things. The guy offering me a bass position is one, I accept any job interviews because I need as much experience as possible, and also I need to remember that I am extremely blessed and I am not too good to spend time with people.

Progress?

I have been applying for jobs and I am hoping to land something soon. There are many customer service jobs which are not glamourous, but I am willing to apply for them. I structer my day to work on findinga job 8 hours and be of service after that. In the meantime I met up with my bandmate Mike. I tried out for a band and the guy is different to say the least. He has hundreds of songs and he is looking to do a demo soon. I am very cautious about the situation just because there is wierd vibes, but he is sober that I can see so atleast there is no drug non-sense. I was surprised the 5th hour of practice how good one song was. I was like yeah....I wrong one song and it was 2 chords, this dude has lots of songs. So that would be very cool if I got a gig or two, but I am keeping my expectations low. One thing I was proud of is I really grasp how I need to listen to him and need to do what he says. It is this guys vision and I am just helping. Also I understand how much Eminem or any other artist practices, so I understand that I need to practice and I need to be willing to grind out songs over and over again.

I will address getting Stood up.

I am 32 years old. I will only go into my experience into the next subject. Here is where I am at. It seems like you have lots of guys off the table at my age. There are lots of guys who got married, turned out to be gay, or died. So there is this clump of guys who are doomed...or blessed to still be dating. One of them got stood up. It was total bullcrap on the girls part, but when you are an attractive girl and guys want to have sex with you. You can get away with anything. There will still be that next guy to give you whatever you want. Back to my point. If I was to give someone advice to a man who was stood up is I would have the man write a bit. Use it as an chance to understand at a deeper level woman are not the same as men. They don't use logic or play by the same rules. Then I would try to character build. If you can be butthurt on the inside, but not act out in a way that brings your mind, body and soul down...you are on your way to being a better person. I think people sense in me that I am willing to get up from at a table or a situation at anytime because I have been stood up, insulted, dis-respected so many times. From that I generally get respect. So here is an example of what I think happens when you stood up or flaked on if you handle it badly, or if you handle it like an adult male who has his crap together.



7:30 Girl flakes...excuse...I didn't know we were still on? Ok...I child/man would probably insult her..of course through text...because child-like men can't handle real conflict. Direct insults...maybe call her a bitch...bitch to friends...tell people that she is a bitch in an effort to build your self-esteem up...this method gets you through...all the sudden you realize that the girl now can see that you are a crybaby..you start to feel bad about yourself....no improvement as a person is done.

7:30 In a perfect world this is what I would react with...Girl flakes..excuse I didn't know it was on....Cool...maybe some other time....choice A: Reschedule the date....choice B: next her....if you choose choice A: she gets one shot then she is nexted....nor choice B never talk to her again. Don't put her down...think about the fact that you know she has a different set of values than you. Focus on staying busy and moving on the best as you can...don't take the game..or yourself too seriously...use it as a chance to help your buddies. I don't often get in a mind-space where I need some different outlet, but when I do I ususally ask Jason, Byrdman, or friends how they are doing. I can make a list of a million things more important than getting stood up. Time heals the woulds you just have to work through the hurt so you come out as a better person when the hurt is over.

Tuesday

Tuesday was interesting. I was a bit wound up on coffee and was horsing around with Jason. I was hollaring at girls and one actually sat down to talk to us. She seemed cool. Then he bro-friend..not boyfriend...her bro-friend showed up. I offered to buy a coffee, but he was obviously not happy with the fact that there was other swinging dicks talking to his lady. So I left. I then watched the start of a Royals win. It was a great day overall probably and mostly because Tuesday was a long long day filled with mental stress to push myself. I am glad today that I understand that to be successful you can't let feeling bad or feeling tired get in the way from everyday normal tasks.

Wednesday

I hung out with Jason and Curtis yesterday. We enjoyed the fine weather. I had my arms around a lovely lady for most of the night. There was this floozy that was on my friend R-Man...when I say floozy...I mean she was wearing shortest shorts possible. I had some belly laughs and we goofed off. I had a sense that I was going to feel better about yesterday today. I have rose colored glasses whenever I look at the past, but I feel yesterday I did so much and it was such a day of accepting my role in life of just trying to add to people. I don't have to be the lead guy all the damn time. I am also finding out that I am good at putting myself out there. I am in contact with people to help them get or stay motivated to get to the gym. How I feel about working out goes way beyond conscience thought. I just think that you can gain so much toughness, so much habit, and you can learn alot about success by going to the gym. I just found out the other day working a wierd machine just how uncomfortable I am with being unconformtable. I told myself I was going to go as far as I could on a stair machine. It burned some (not horrible) as soon as it started burning I wanted off. I know in my heart a slight burn is probably what my body needs to release endorphines and as I always state. I am a bit soft. I always have it in my mind that I can always use some experience going through some pain if there is growth involved.

Speaking of pain holy crap I went on a run/walk on mothers day...It was god aweful because I was a bit bored/tired/and blah. So I just ran and it was hot and people were yelling at me on St. Joseph Avenue. I am glad I went for that walk/run because I ate like complete crap that day, but I just want to have it on my blog how bad that walk was and how I made it through. I made it through just by gutting it out haha.

Weird day

I wake up today feeling bla. I make sure I get my ass moving and go to starbucks. I get a call while at starbucks for an agency looking for workers. I have a feeling it isn't much, but I need to be working somewhere. So I get dressed for an interview. They seem impressed that I haven't been off work for very long. Also my work history is pretty strong. After that I just have this feeling that I should check craigslist to see if anyone needs guitar or drum players. I find a person in Lenexa and I go over there to "Apply" for lead guitar. My chops suck and the guy hands me a Bass and says I suck at guitar but I can be the bass player. So I am working hard with this guy to pick up some songs. It was somewhat of a challenge, but I like playing music whenever whereever. So at the start of the day I would have never figured I would be at a random house with someone giving me bass lessons, but I am the mode of being of service for people. Need me to data entry...sure...bass? Alright...I thought I did a good job not getting frustrated at playing. I know how tedious it can be to learn new songs. So that was my day. Probably one of the weirdest wildest days I have had for awhile.

Mothers Day and random stuff

Saturday we did nothing but hang out at Black Dog. I don't really mind boring days at the coffee shop because we stay out of trouble. It is also cheap. I spend at most 4 bucks on coffee and a bananna and tip. Sunday I woke up and bought some mini-cakes and flowers for my mom. I had already bought a card for her and I headed up to St. Joe. We had some good food and some laughs. I got to watch the Royals game in Semi-peace and that went well. I explained to Ben the hot tub situation at 24 hour fitness. I like to go to 24 hour fitness and the sit in the hot tub and babes sometimes go in there, but they ususally are in their swimsuit 5 seconds before they jump in. So what I turn is turn the timer (that is out of the water) on for about 5 minutes. That way they have to hop out and start the timer over again and I can get a nice look at their turd cutter. That means the butt of a lady. It straight creepy genious.

5 hit day for Billy Butler and Sporting KC win.

The Royals broke out yesterday in a big way. I felt strong that they would start winning against some of these teams who aren't very good. Albert Pujols is a complete non-factor and he can't play defense that well. Sporting KC just won a big game at Houston. They were Besler-less and still won. So that is a good sign. Kei Kamara is back with Sporting KC but has yet to make a big difference. I look for him to possibly leave again. He doesn't fit very well with the flow of the team.

Rejection...the story of my life

I didn't get the job that I wanted. Which sucked because my friends work there and it is close to my apartment, but oh well. I need to get better. I emailed the lady to see what I need to work on or get better answers. I am always willing to atleast take hard look in the mirror and change. I am willing to change because I know when my life is better people around me get better as well. So I don't have time to be sad and feel sorry for myself. I have to keep working.


Alex Gordon and Hosmer parked homeruns yay!

So now it is back to keeping my head up and working. I went down to Westport and met up with a girl. She was alright...she was the cool runnings of girls. Not great not bad...just solid.

Wednesday

Wednesday was very cool for me. I had an interview with a company and I could see how much I have grown over a period of eight years. I have experience to know when to ask questions for help and I have experience answering questions honestly to the interviewer. I have skills in dealing with people and being assurtive. So it felt good to get out and start competing with other people for my share of the American dream. It also felt good knowing that I was given education at Leblond and Mo West to the point where I can atleast get down to Johnson County to compete and be of service to companies down here. I can tell already that I am going to have to grind-hustle-work etc just to make a standard of living that includes the crap I already have. At night I watched Sporting KC and the Royals lose. Sporting KC lost a game that didn't bother me too much, they just have to stay in the top 5 for the playoffs. Royals are sliding, but Moose hit a homerun. I am ready for Duffy and Paulino to come back.

I can see one of my flaws.

Sometimes I am not competitive enough. I don't feel good about finishing mid pack so I don't try. I am seeing it clearly now that if I want to succeed I need to be of service, but have some sense of competitive nature to give me some fire to work hard, eat right, and work out.

Monday and Tuesday

Monday and Tuesday were the same. Just doing some work and going to black dog. I do have a story I would like to share.
I went to Hy-Vee on Monday night. There was a young man behind the counter. Two girls were really into him. They were asking him if he was a senior..where he went to school...you know the most obvious freaking questions if a girl thinks you were cute. Now I was going to intervine to help the dude score a number from this girl, but decided that it may freak the young pup out. After the long ass transaction was over I asked him "did you get a number out of that situation?" He laughed and got all embarrassed and I laughed and a dude behind me joined in giving him the business about how those girls were waayyyy into him. He said he already had a girlfriend. I told him THAT'S WHEN YOU GET TWO GIRLFRIENDS!!! So hopefully the young dude will notice for sure when girls are into him next time.

Mind Games

The key for me to keep moving is always Mind Games. There is so much stuff that is painful that I need to slog through I am always trying to find a reason that makes me feel good to move forward to grow. Gaining money doesn't make feel good, but threaten my Jeep or make me think about moving to a dangerous part of town. That tends to get my ass in gear. One thing that makes me feel good as of late is maybe renting a room out with my friend Jason. He has good get togethers that help me to move forward, but I also like my own place. This idea is one of the few ideas that makes me feel good. Of course my sports teams help me move forward as well as well as my family, but I am just spitball and riffing on ideas of where to take myself from here.

Sporting had a big win yesterday. They are a very deep team. So many guys just fighting to get minutes. Matt Besler didn't play which was wierd. He has played every game I have ever seen even including the few I saw on TV when they were the wizards. Get well soon Matt!

Random Picture from my derby day watching.

Amazing day at the K

Butler had a big hit to tie the game. Gordon had the hit to win the game. Great win. Sporting KC also kicked ass 4-0. Fun day all around.

Sunday

Yesterday Orb won the Kentucky Derby. It was a great race and I was downtown at the central library to watch it. It was fun and I was glad I could be of service. They also had snacks. The Royals won their game with a huge outing by Jguts. Hosmer had some hits and is at least making contact. Penguins, Royals, and Sporting KC are playing today. It will be interesting to see how the addition of Kei Kamara is with sporting KC and how that impacts the team. I like Kei, Bieler, cj up top, Zusi, Uri, Fielhabersz then in back Collin, Meyers, Besler sinovic.

friday and saturday

The Penguins lost yesterday which sucked. I listened to them lose while hanging out at black dog with Jason. I have made waking up and listening Tommy favorite songs apart.of my routine. Seems to put me in a good mood. Music helps me enjoy my walks more as well. Royals may never play again with this crappy weather.

blah day

Today was bla... The Royals got postponed.. I saw a girl I used to/still do? Like...she dates one of my other friends. I like girls who seem to really be crappy people sometime. I did enjoy seeing her as it made me feel good and since I have been sober a couple years...chicks....winning baseball and coffee are the closest thing to a buzz that I get.