12/30/2016

I have felt crappy lately. It is a cycle. I feel crappy so I don't have the energy to eat good then I eat crap and feel more crappy. I feel a bit better today. There is a guy selling a wheel and wheel stand on craigslist. I hope that comes through for me. One thing I always try to tap into is just a dumb and illogical positive and energetic disposition. That is one of the keys for me to work everyday and to get better everyday is to have an unrealistic and positive energy.

12/25/2016

People are afraid of being themselves because people will make fun of them. Also people will judge them. Then you have this rapper 816. He looks ridiculous. He does what he does though. Hopefully he knows that he is a true G.

12/23/2016

Yesterday was a bit hard. The days are winding down in 2016 and everyday is a grind. I just keep on doing the next thing. I went through my day very methodical. Racks 22-23-24-25 are a bitch to get in and out of and I didn't feel like having an impact yesterday. So I took my time. I actually still about hit 25 because my lift jumped a bit. I got through all of BA 12's batches which was good but there was some inventory messed up. I double counted all my batches and those were good. I don't know what was up with them. Chiefs on Sunday is what I am looking forward to. I have to make sure my batches aren't hiding as one. Going through my paper work I forgot to do a batch in the middle. I have to see the locations and think about how I am going to handle the batches. See if the locations switch around. I didn't see that one of my batches was stuck to another one. Two things I want to work on next year with the forklift. 1. Driving backwards past the pallets and coming in from the open side so I can see better. 2. Don't throw more bags than I have to. I have a bad habit lets say there is 50 bags on a pallet. My batch will call for 30 right now I will throw the thirty because I suck with the fork truck and it is easier to throw the 10 extra bags on than for me to just throw 20 off and switch tags and have the 30 on the ground as my run. That is costing me way to much time and effort. I have to learn to see like when I need 408 KG's and the pallet is 600 KG's.To throw of the bags needed ont he 600 kg and flip the pallets around change tags.

12/20/2016

Today I built 7 pectin batches and 1 piece list. Pectin are long and boring. It was pretty easy and I felt better than I sometimes do about my work. I kept my mind on cash money and I tried to have a vision for myself that was happy, in good shape, and wealthy. No matter how I feel I keep my mind on task and keep my mind on what I want to be like. I want to help people, I want to be in shape, I want to have happiness, and I want to grow. There is no way to happiness Happiness is the way. Time for a random vision board. When I get some money dad gets his cobra II mom gets her pool I get to play poker for a living and I get to go to a Penguins game!

Sunday

Friday was pretty rough. I left home an hour early to get to work. It took me the whole hour to get there. It was very bad weather. Work I was just in charge of doing the piece list. That took me the entire night. The other guy working did an amazing job of getting lots of batches done. It is funny what happens when you humble yourself. I was thinking today...what would a person smart with money do. Just hit up everyone they know to try to find answers. Seek and you shall find. One thing I never knew is how much b.s. financial advisors try to sell you. Just me taking action and accepting that I may look like an idiot for even asking gave me some advice that probably saved me money.

12/15/2016

Yesterday was another terrible day. My password still doesn't work and our batch sheets were messed up. I talked to my boss about me putting a bag in a batch that wasn't supposed to go in there and he said he would have to write me up and also me hitting a rack. I asked him if I was fired since I was on probation. He said no...maybe if you take out an entire rack. So that was not a good start of the shift. The rest of the shift actually got worse somehow. The sweeper doesn't work either so I am sick and it is dusty. Today will be better! I HAVE FAITH LOL.

12/15/2016

So yesterday sucked. I didn't want to really get out of bed because I didn't feel well and I wasn't in the mood to go to KC to see Raymond or go to work. I did it anyway because that is what you are supposed to do to get stuff done. I went to work and I didn't feel right on the fork lift and I asked if I could just throw bags. That didn't work out. So while I was on the forklift I backed into a rack. It was 1.2 g's which isn't hard enough to get retrained but hard enough to fill out a written form. That isn't good since I am on probation. I did my best not to hit anything else and stay on the grind until the shift is over. I tried to stay positive and I know tonight will be better!

12/13/2016

Today I woke up and went to planet fitness. They have good equipment. It was a pain in the butt to go there, but it is a good change of pace. I need to get out of the house and mingle as well. I went to work and I was in a bad mood. I got myself out of a bad mood by using my imagination. I have a vision of me in a white g-wagon with some Killer Mike or Run the Jewels playing. That would be a sick whip for sure. I did 9 batches and the piece list was almost 3000 kg. Considering it takes 2 hours to do 400 kg's I did pretty good. We are on 10's until christmas which sucks. I am grateful to just have a place to go to earn money.

12/12/2016

Today I went to an AA meeting. There are some people really struggling trying to stay sober through the holidays. I made sure they have my number. Unfortunately most people just get sad and depressed and never reach out and drink through the holidays. I worked today. I had starch batches that are easy to do but it still took me awhile 12 batches for BA one and piece lists 3-6-1. Sean could smash out the batches I did in an hour and a half. It took me awhile. One thing I did good is I built the bases then grabbed the k0210 and put those on top in one run. Sometimes I am an idiot and I build a batch then top off a batch with k210 then I build another batch and put the k210 off. The better way is break down your basses of l0393 and then in one run put k210 on them I did have one bag left over which means I forgot a bag on a batch or someone else did a batch. I have been watching Bob Proctor. He wants me to do an inventory how much I am earning and how much I think I will be earning next year. 14.30 an hour this year 14.40 next year is my honest answer. I believe in myself to make way more than that but those numbers were the first to pop into my mind. Holy crap this cat is annoying at 1 AM. I have to move the keyboard to my lap and my mouse somewhere because she demands attention and she demands it every night at the same time. I try to be nice though because she is just trying to mingle. now here is picture of me with alot of money because that is what I am supposed to focus on in these success books. As you can see I visually can see me with money, I can be emotionally charged, and be creative with my mind.

December 11th

I had a good birthday. I watched some football. Manchester United won. I read a little bit. I claimed on instagram that I want to earn 999 billion dollars in a year. It was all good. I drove a Buick Regal on Forza 4. That was fun. I also went for a walk. It was a pretty good day. It was an interesting weekend and we all pushed ourselves. I feel like that since I bowled in that tournament a couple weeks back I have been bowling a bit better 192-169-159. That hammer sucks and doesn't fit me and I always keep trying it. I am stubbern as a mule. I saw a mule this weekend.

Toronto UFC 206

Max Halloway. He is a beast and called out Jose Aldo. Then there was an awesome fight in that card. There was also Cowboy Cerrone's head kick.

Vision board for sunday Cobra 2 for pops Pool for mom and something else for me I forgot what it was

I want to be good at Poker-Cobra 2 for pops and pool for mom. All that in an angry penguin on today's vision board~!

12/10/16

Today I went bowling. I need to remember to slow down my approach and do the hand shake motion. I picked up my spares better than usual. We still lost 3 games. I am watching the MLS and UFC tonight.

Random vision board.

I did a good job going to work and being on the grind. I woke up today and went for a walk. That is good. I woke up and I started in on the grind. First things first. I don't want tacos I don't want to do stupid stuff. I want to win and be successful. Practice, develop, hone, cultivate my self-discipline. My work didn't go very well. I did a good job staying on task the best I could. I didn't get much done, but I didn't wreck and I got a arby's giftcard. I also really tried to finish the jobs. I wrote out short term goals. I want to read 30 minutes a day. I want to walk 5 miles a day. A goal is to journal every day. Write my goals when I wake up and when I go to bed. Spend some time every day with ideas. Sort out the ideas as well. I am trying to think what I learned today. I learned that I really am careful and I really try to be safe. I got an arby's gift card which is nice. I remember when I left my last job it hurt like hell. I needed to go back to the basics and treat people as best as possible. No matter what a person does to you be respectful and know we are all God's children.

12/09/2016

Today was annoying. I did 4 batches and a piece list. 2 batches for pectin which sucked 2 batches for BA 1 which had me on a wild goose chase trying to get stuff. I have the feeling I am going to get asked on monday what the hell I was doing. Other than that I am doing good. I like to post when I do self-control or self-discipline. Especially like today. I have been hungry wanting to snack. I waited out the craving. I also had a craving for tacos and that passed. As a good job I post on instagram my successes.

12/09/2016

Today was a pain. We were down a man at work. I got 3 piece lists done 2 batches and Calen and I team built 10 batches. We had to take down some full pallets for replacement shelves. I also had to dig for some KG's in a random batch. It took forever. It was annoying. I did a good job not losing my cool. I did a good job just keep grinding. We also had no impacts which is really important. The best thing I did is my boss said to "Take down these full pallets so we can put up new shelves." I stopped mid-shift and by God come hell or high water I was doing what the boss said.

December 7th

What did I do today to be successful? I went to the doctor. We didn't adjust any meds although one I am going to take later in the day. I got eight batches with two piece lists. The 5 batches I did were hard and had lots of bags different materials. Some of the materials would have me bounce around instead of just burning up a location. It was annoying and eight isn't great. The good news is I was flying around and wasn't tired and the batches didn't need wrapped because they were stacked decently. I wouldn't have done anything differently.

12/07/2016

I did 2 piece lists today and 11 batches. The batches were pretty big and they didn't look like crap so I didn't have to wrap them. That is a huge step in the right direction because one of the things that sucks up my day is having to wrap batches that don't have slick bags. Yeah there are batches with boxes and slick bags that you have to wrap, but my batches were so jank I always had to wrap them. 3rd shift supervisor Brad saw me do standup one time and recognized me. That was weird.

12/05/2016

Woke up today. Walked for a couple miles on the treadmill. Went to AA. I had to work until 2 AM. I got 5 pectin done and 3 BA 5 done Piece list 5 done as well. Boss wanted me to sweep under two bays like these long bays I got one done but it was 2 PM and Brad the night supervisor told me to go home.

12/02/2016

I got 1 piece list done and 10 batches done. Our team didn't have any impacts for the month of November. That is really good work.

12/01/2016

I got 5 batches and 2 piece lists done. We had catfish it was delicious. I felt terrible. Bad mood and a bit sick. I made it through. Cultivated perseverance, toughness, and awesomeness.

11/30/2016

I did 5 pectin batches and 2 piece lists today. Pectin batches are a beast. I could have done a better job of figuring out which pallets stayed on the ground. I felt crappy and my muscles weren't very cooperative today. So I just pushed through and got done what I could.

11/29/2016

I was able to do 15 starch batches and 2 piece lists today. I had a bag fall and explode so that was a bummer. Also starch batches you can smash out fast. I did the run and got it finished. No impacts for the month for our team. I wore my chiefs jacket. It is my favorite. Tyreek Hill is beastmode. Noventra 02/03/02 Has no room to go up at all so be careful getting that product out.

11/28/

Today I got one piece list done and 10 batches done. It took me longer to do the 10 because I suck at moving things around going fast. The company is going to hire 2 more batch setup workers. So I kind of wonder if my days are number. All I can do is keep working. Also I have to remember to push these carts in. Some guy was complaining because I didn't push these carts in all the way.

Chiefs

The Chiefs won in a wild game. I can't really explain the game. It was amazing though. I am glad they won and I am going to eat popcorn and go to bed.

11/27/2016

I bowled 6 games. 3 in league play which was my worst bowling that I have had for awhile. I bowled in a tournament and I did a bit better but not great. I did a good job not getting too pissed and did a good job making my way through the games even though I wasn't happy because I was bowling bad. One thing I need to be proud of is at-least I had the self-discipline to bowl. I could have said Nah I am tired and gone home but I took my opportunity to get some tournament experience. I need my follow through to be like I am shaking someones hand.

11/24/2016

I was able to flex a little bit of my self-discipline when I didn't overeat at thanksgiving lunch. Pretty much if you want results in losing weight you have to be semi-miserable.

taking action

Today I was on chiefsplanet and they advised someone to go on reddit and sign up for personal finance. I didn't want to because I am lazy. I will do what it takes to be better at personal finance. EVEN ON TURKEY DAY.

11/23/2016

We did 11 batches today. We didn't get much done because of the holiday.

11/22/2016

Today was much better at work today. I did 2 piece lists and 10 batches. The piece list was BA 3 which seems to be tougher. The site manager stopped by to chat with me to make sure she did her good deed to wish me a good thanksgiving. That was a nice touch on her part. I was throwing bags like a madman and only got 10 batches. So that is a bit discouraging. But 10 and 2 piece lists is average. I would give the day a C. Going into Thanksgiving I hope to not make myself too sick with food and I hope to stay focused on being sober and just enjoying time away from work.

11/22/2016

I was able to drive around pretty good with the 6 batches I made on Monday. I can tell I am growing in my ability to drive around, to snag bags, and to build. So even if I hit some rough patches. I do see some encouraging breakthroughs. I like I said earlier the biggest break through is to overcome my fear and tell my fear to shove it. Also tell my depression and negativity to shove it as well. Cultivate, hone, redefine my work ethic, my perseverance, persistence, and self-discipline.

11/22/2016

I need to remember l0254 is 25 KG's

11/21/2016

Today I woke up and I walked a couple miles on the treadmill. I went to an AA meeting. I came home and rested. I went to work and I am competing in a weight loss challenge at work. I got weighed in there and I did pretty well I didn't win. I did win a hy-vee gift card for dropping 3 pounds in a week. A win is a win! I was out working and I noticed I messed up on one paper work on a bag. The kind of mistake that put me on probation longer than expected. I immediately get scared for my job. I just have to remember that it is just fear and that fear won't kill me. I guess I messed up on a couple more things because a guy was ragging on me just asking if I had a bad night on Friday. The truth is it is hard to work overtime when you have depression. It is hard to focus for long periods of time. I got 2 piece lists and 6 batches done which isn't good either. So overall this day was a D if we were scoring it A-F like a report card. The only thing keeping it from being an F is I didn't have an impact on my forklift and no one got hurt. I feel pretty good right now though. I just have to remember a part of my brain wants to keep me in fear and keep me depressed I just have to accept that for what it is and go about my business the best I can.

11/20/2016

Saturday was a decent progression in self-discipline. I didn't eat like total trash. One psychologcical tool that I use for work, safety. and diet (and booze) is take two to think it through. Think two minutes when you are at a crossroads.

11/19/2016

It was a rough week. I did one piece list and 9 batches. It was tough because there was foot traffic all over the place. Glad I didn't run over anyone and crash into anything.

11/18/2016

Yesterday at work Kyle said things were messed up. There were 7 things messed up. Then he said that none of them were my fault. Horray. I built 16 batches yesterday. I need work on my tag making ability and my ability to confirm batches quicker. I can throw the bags pretty good, but when it comes to the paper work. That is an area of improvement. I walked the dog for a bit today. I went to planet fitness as well. It sucks to go out in the cold. You have to cultivate, hone, improve your self-discipline and get out in the cold and do work.

11/17/2016

Today I went down and visited Raymond. We had a plan of attack for winter depression. I went to work and got 12 batches done. I asserted myself a bit better because I always get stuck on pectin which makes my numbers look lousy. We had a meeting so I probably could have gotten more done if it wasn't for that. I went for a run today. I am getting a bit better at running instead of walking. That is some progress.

11/16/2016

Yesterday was a rough day at work. I helped team build so my numbers sucked. I woke up today and went for a run. I start dogging it and not do some jogging, but then I remember that if I loaf in working out
I am going to loaf at work, loaf in AA. I know that the more I push the more I can grow my lungs, my legs, and confidence. The practicing working hard working out helps you work in all aspects of your life.

11/15/2016

Today I got to work and my head was a bit cloudy. It sometimes happens if I have a spell of depression. The first quarter of work was touch and go as I didn't feel comfortable just going all out. As the night progressed I felt more comfortable. I got 2 piece lists done and 10 batches. That is what you are supposed to get done. It seemed like everyone was in a bad mood and I was off as well. I am just grateful that there was no injuries and no impacts. I am thrilled that I got the 10 batches done. That is good to hit that number on a bad day.

11/14/2016

I always have to find sayings or different meme's to help me want to get out of bed early and stay up late. "Never give up" Or "I will never give up" is always a good one. I scratch and claw my way to stay sober day in and day out. To keep a job and to help others. I am like an ant. I will go over around or under a rock to get where I want to go.

11/14/2016

Last week was a bit of a pain because I had to remind my boss to sell back my vacation. I also had to go in early and stay late to get my benefits set up. I was able to execute and take care of business to get my health insurance, 401k, and other stuff taken care of. This week I have to get my oil changed and I may have to stay late one day late at work, but other than that it seems pretty cake. It also seems pretty cake compared to when I was going to school and going to work. When I get off work now I don't have homework. I can do whatever I darn well please. For that I am grateful. I woke today and didn't feel the greatest. I called Raymond and called my doctors office. I have been vocal with my doctor and my nurse that I may be getting more depressed as the winter comes and the days get shorter. She prescribed medicine on top of my medicine to help me with depression and focus. Right now the pharmacy is dilly dallying with red tape. I made it clear that this is why I take pills is to self-medicate. I need help. I feel better already because I voiced my frustration. I will be fine today and I think it is progress to voice how I am feeling to doctors and people around me. I went from a Kid that parties. To a kid that doesn't party. To an Adult who medicates himself. Now I want to be a person who works with AA and medical doctors to get myself feeling good and on safe medications to get through the days.

11/12/2016

Yesterday I woke up and I wasn't feeling the greatest. I went for a walk and used my will and skill to help myself enjoy the day better. I went down to Matt's the Tyrone Woodley and Stephen "Wonderboy" was epic. Woodley is a big black guy who looks to knock people out and get people to the ground. Stephen "Wonderboy" Thompson is the real life Jean-Claude Van Dame. He has a wiggle in him.


Here is a video of me breaking down the Woodley Thompson fight

11/12/2016

Today I woke up and went for a walk. Elliot Hulse really stresses to get into a habit of walking outside. It releases endorphines. You are less irritable and feel better because of long walks. So I got that walk and I think I maybe having a good habit of getting up and walking nailed down. I can force myself to go to Planet Fitness and force myself to walk, but lately it has been an easier habit to keep going. One of my goals day in and day out is to play and enjoy video games. I have great and expensive toys. I need to have fun with them or life is just all work. At work Kyle was a bit salty because we didn't get anything done yesterday. I did my job though. I had to build pectin and do all kinds of time consuming things tonight. Pectic is hard to do so I got 2 piece lists and 3 batches done. I cleaned and I got things set up nicely for 3rd shift on Sunday.

11/11/2016

Yesterday I completed what Tony Robbins calls "The Hour of Power" basically you just pray or do affirmations for an hour while you work out. Success, habits, ways of thinking, being passionate being happy...these are all daily rituals that you need to set aside time for. Acknowledging that fact helps me feel better which helps me not hate work so much. I went to work and our computer systems were down. There was no answer to when they will be back up. At first I was grateful because our computer systems are pretty good. This is the second time they have been down. My boss tells people to do 3 batches then put these steal racks in the racks. He jokingly tells me to get in the scissor lift because he knows I get sick. I told him I am down to do that. Someone needs to put me to the top and take away the key and just make me figure out how to cope with being that high. Maybe if I eat comfort food while being up in the scissor lift it will go well. So right as I get going the other workers start drifting off course. I know the right thing is to tell them "Our boss gave us xyz instructions lets work on that" I have to give myself credit for nutting up like that. They said "Fine but you are going in the lift" I said I know I am down I need to figure it out anyway. I get up there and the racks were awkward until i figure out how to balance myself, twerk my body and shovel these racks in there. The height wasn't bad because I wasn't pressed to the ceiling I was even with the top rack. I saw some growth and progress with my scissor lift skills and coping ability. For that I am happy and grateful. I was LUCKY the systems were down so I could work on my scissor lift game. I wasn't properly trained on the technical part of the lift, but I think overall I did the right thing by doing what I was told. The system didn't come back up until late and I stayed late. It wasn't an awesome feeling, but I know if I want to progress and move up in the company I have to pay the price. I have to be a team player. I have to dig deep even when I am tired and find a will to win and a will to succeed. I did the best I could getting one piece list done and then I left. So the scissor lift growth was good. The growing in communicating to others that "our boss told us to do this, lets do it because it is the right thing to do" I had growth in nutting up in that area. I also nutting up and had growth by staying late and digging around in myself to find some strength through fatigue and a crappy physical state.

My Dream Car

M



MERCEDES-BENZ The 2017 GLE350 SUV
MERCEDES-BENZ The 2017 GLE350 SUV

MERCEDES-BENZ The 2017 GLE350 SUV
MERCEDES-BENZ The 2017 GLE350 SUV


MERCEDES-BENZ The 2017 GLE350 SUV
MERCEDES-BENZ The 2017 GLE350 SUV

11/10/16

Today work was about normal. We had a meeting about safety. One thing that prevents me from keeping my mind on tasks is our computers never work and we never have our log in information. It makes it hard to keep mind on task. I brought it up in the meeting and it was met with lukewarm results. I can only try my best to make things better. I watched my outrigs today and made sure not to hit anything. We had a meeting so I only got 2 piece lists and 3 batches done. I was able to help third shift get off to a good start. I drove down to see Raymond today. To stay sober you have to go to meetings. You have to work the 12-steps and you have to keep current with your sponsor. I have the self-discipline to see him every week and for that I am grateful.

11/09/2016

Yesterday went alright. I built around 18 batches with 2 piece lists. I stayed late and made sure I looked like I was happy to do so. About midway through my shift I got really salty and cranky. I was annoyed. I know when it gets tough that is when you write your legacy. That is where the growth is. So I just grinded harder and pushed hard because it is when it is hard where you make the most progress and growth. So I am sure I will see some growth when I feel better I can whip around better with the Forklift. I have to watch my Outrigs as well. I pull up to the rack and came awful close to hitting the post a couple times. I did wear ear plugs because ears were still sore from Monday. I made it a point yesterday to play forza 4. My subwolfer and T.V. look great and I consider myself lucky to have a good setup for a good to great video game experience. I put a list of goals up in my locker things I would like 1.999 billion dollars. 2. Bass boat. 3.Sporting KC KU Chiefs and Royals tickets. 4. Inspire others 5. wear earplugs at all times. 6. Work out and cultivate self-discipline. I am going to put as much away for retirement as possible and have absolute faith that it will work out. As long as I am trading today's comfort for a better tomorrow I can feel like I have something to look forward to. That is more important than the actual money. There is a skill and cultivation of trading today's comfort for tomorrow's fortune.

Doing the Right thing

I have read enough books to know that the best way to save money is to have it taken out of my check so I don't even see it. I have faith in that strategy. It is painful as hell though. I want my check as large as possible. One thing successful people do is trade today's comfort for tomorrows treasure and fortune.

11/07/16

Yesterday was on o.k. day. I woke up to gray skies and I wasn't in a great mood. I thought to myself "What can I learn today? What can I do to get better?" That seemed to help me nudge me to get going. I took a shower and I went to an AA meeting. Last week I was rushing around and Calen had a bag rip on him. Instead of helping or going around I ran right through it like a jerk. I wasn't sorry, I was sorry I got caught. I made an ammend to him that I won't drive through product and I will help to clean that up next time. I got my piece list done pretty good. It was accurate as my prints came out. I volunteered to do one of the tougher rooms which is the pectin room . The batches were big but I did my best. Calen said I was doing good. At the end of the night I had an area of opportunity. I walked into a room without earing protection and a guy banked a hammer against a vat and it gave me a huge headache and made me dizzy. I called the nurse and she said to check in with her today. I feel o.k. today and my ears are ringing but nothing major. So everyday I need to have hearing protection on. It's not worth losing hearing or getting sick over.

11/06/16

I do good in not getting caught up in facebook nonsense-

11/04/2016

Today I had the day off. I went for a walk. I got some notes together. One big thing success books always talk about is having a schedule made up. I made the schedule, but didn't follow it too closely. I plan on reading more tomorrow. I went for along walk and I got my picks in for football.

11/03/16

I did 11 batches for cell three and 2 piece lists for 5-6. I need to put 4 boxes on the bottom. I made things all crappy looking because I have never stacked the materials I did today.

11/02/2016

I didn't get much done at work yesterday. I was wheeling and dealing on the forklift. I Pushed pushed and pushed, but I only got 3 piece lists done. I then had the choice of doing batches for the cell that wasn't running that day or throw bags with Shayne for a cell that was running. I helped throw bags because I think that is what the right thing was to do. The bags and the boxes in the piece area haven't been making sense. Like yesterday it said there was 4 boxes of one thing and there was 3 boxes with no KG's on them. I threw them all on my forklift and transfered all the KG's because my guess is they combined boxes in the kg's but not in the system. So now I bet the room calls for a box thinking they are 4. I could have just transfered 2 boxes, but I have to grab all the materials on the piece lists so my name would show up at 8 am in RED if I didn't xfer. So it is definately a catch-22 situation. I just have to do my best and do what I think is right and let God deal with the results..I did a good job yesterday turning down food over and over until after work. It is hard to turn down food and harder to do it over and over because you have to be rude and tell them no. I can't be up and down with my energy while on the forklift. It is dangerous. I have to give myself credit for drawing a line in the sand and cultivating my strength of saying NO.

11/01/2016

Yesterday my boss wanted me to stay late. We have had lots of people calling in and on vacation. I was glad to stay because I like money and I don't often get to show what kind of worker I am. I did 10 batches and 3 piece lists which isn't great, but I worked around my boss who stayed late so there was some growth there. He even commented that I am better on my forklift. One thing that did go wrong is I had to cancel a batch and I didn't pay attention to the material except for the one that was messed up so I had a batch built but then the computer sent me around the warehouse when I cancelled the batch. So next time I need to pick and choose the materials I already have on a pallet when I correct a batch.

10/31/2016

Today I woke up and didn't feel the greatest. I know any jerk can do well and do good work when they feel perfect. If I only worked and went to AA when I felt good I would be a poor drunk guy. So I keep pushing and keep moving forward to go to AA meetings, to get out of the house and get coffee, and to go to work and do the best that I can. I have an appointment with a nurse this week and maybe they can adjust my meds because with it getting dark and crappy out I tend to be a bit blue. I am going to work my tail off to hone my craft of driving a forklift today and try to do my best to get my paper work on point. Yesterday I went down to black dog. I sure miss lenexa, but I can always go down there and visit!

10/28/2016

I got two piece lists done at work with 11 batches. I need to stack boxes then L0041 on top. My batches looked like crap but they stayed on the ground so I think they will be o.k. Sporting KC lost and they have sucked in all competitions this year.

10/26/2016

Today I went down and visited Raymond. Making time with ones sponsor is important to stay sober. I went to work. We had a meeting. I only got 2 piece lists done which sucks.

10/24/2016

This weekend was pretty fun. On Friday I went for a giant walk. I also went out to eat at San Jose steakhouse. It was very good. The billboard looks like a b-2 stealth bomber. Saturday I bowled in a tournament. I tried very hard and when I was mentally tired I tried my best to focus. I didn't win but I showed up on time, I didn't quit, and I finished as hard as possible. I like the paradox and will continue to bowl with that in the future. Yesterday at work I did 10 batches. They were for cell 3 which can be nasty. There was batches all over the aisle so I will probably get in trouble today for building and storing too many batches in the aisle.

10/12/2016

What I did yesterday? I went to work. When I got tired and got all blah I tried to turn it up a notch. I know that when I am tired and when I don't feel like crushing it, that is when it is necessary to push through and kick it up a notch. Everyone is tired. Everyone is scared. It is who can push past all that to get to higher levels. I helped Landis at work at the end shift. That made me feel good because he thanked me.

I walked 2.28 miles today burned 243.1 calories for 42.06 minutes. I need to work up my calories burned. If I am working out for 42 minutes I should be working harder and burning more calories.

10/19/2016

I went down to Raymond's and helped him move things. I went to work. I won a small award for going above and beyond. That is all

Good Morning

I felt ambitious before work today. I went to an AA meeting. I was my car. I vacuumed and I made my bed. Lots of people think I am lazy. Well it is the depression that zaps me energy. I know and I can relate clean to feeling good. I want to clean more because it feels good, but depression sometimes zaps my energy. I also exchanged numbers with a person in AA it is important to help others or if another person can listen to me it makes me feel god and it helps make it one day at a time being sober.

10/18/2016

777777777777777I woke up and I was in a cranky mood. I went to the gym. I had this burning in my neck and back. I was pissed and then my pissed made my neck and back hurt more. I went to an AA meeting and that was o.k. People have it rougher than me. I thank God that I am in a pretty good situation. I went to work. I am not good at my job but I am still grinding and trying to find out how to get quicker and more effective. I have to give whats left of my batches to Shane earlier. Sometimes our teams communication sucks because we all are human and have bad days. Damn this cat is annoying me right now. I SEE YOU YOU ARE A CAT NOW GET DOWN. O.K. so work was o.k. no impacts or anything. My mood was bad but it could always be worse and no matter what my mood I have to go to AA meetings, Have to get to work, and have to help others

10/17/2016

This weekend was filled with fun. I watched Mo west get killed and I watched Nascar. Nascar was fun as usual. The Chiefs got a big win. It is truly a Red Monday. I woke up Monday in a bit of a bad mood but I took the dog for a drive, I went to an AA meeting, and I went to planet fitness. Successful people do positive stuff even when they don't feel like it. I was pretty grateful for this weekend. I worked hard all summer to save some vacation days and it was nice to sit back and enjoy them.

10/14/2016

Yesterday was tough. First part of the day I went down to visit my sponsor Raymond. It is important to keep your life and your recovery on track. That went good. I drove back and went to work. One of the bosses a bit above me wanted the second shift to try something different. I was upset, but just got to work. Later in the night I lost my phone somewhere, it made working tough because I was distracted. I went back to work because that is me. Always on the grind, always looking for opportunistic ways to get better. Get faster more efficient. Cultivate the skill of self-discipline. I made it through work. I need to do a better job of looking at my run list and paying attention to where I got things because the computer sometimes skips around, but the materials are the same. So the batch comes out good, but where things go back could be different. We were using all the material up anyways at the two locations so it didn't matter. There is a guy I work with that worked at a different warehouse for 10 years. His skills are awesome. I was jealous, but I have only been in warehouse/forklift conditions for 7 months. I found my phone and I came home and that was that.

10/12/2016

Today I broke some new ground. My memory and my attention span has been bad all my life. I am trying to see if I have adhd or something else. I always get told that I am smart, but I suck at school, work, relationships, cleaning. People think I am lazy, it isn't that I am lazy I get distracted and I use up all my energy trying to stay focused at work. Work was o.k. We had a major issue with some new materials. I got hosed but that is what happens. I calmly kept grinding and chopping wood. I was able to set up a meeting between a dude and my dad to buy nascar tickets. YES NASCAR VROOM this weekend.

Investing

Well I strive not to be the guy who stands around talking crap then does nothing about it. I took all my knowledge I have right now and invested in an Ally C.D. I didn't have a thousand dollars that Snatcherguesa wanted me to invest. I feel weird, but that is o.k. I need to try different things and keep moving forward. I was able to make my car payment, I was able to make my credit card payment as well. I probably should have been more worried about paying my credit card off, but my gut instinct is telling me to build and craft the skill of investing now and get that ball rolling.

10/09/2016

This weekend saw various growth of mine. I read some of the Intelligent Investor. I did that as much as I could. I learned a bit bowling. Need to slow my ball speed down and let the ball do the work. Sunday I went to the AA picnic and I felt pretty good around people. I threw some corn hole bags. I then came home and lifted. I worked out my chest biceps and calves. I even used a spotter which is really getting after it. I then came home and made myself a shake. My legs are sore from the last squat session. Monday will be sqauts and triceps. I read a bit more on Sunday. Right now my brain is fried so I don't know exactly what I read. I did play Forza 4 and the Puegot was a car that I hate but I have to use it against the big boys like super cars. I played like 15 minutes of elder scrolls and 2 session of War Thunder. So not too much progress in my video game playing other than a nice gaming session with forza 4.

10/07/2016

Thursday I woke up and went to Sobriety and beyond. They needed someone to help with the public information chair. Basically you get voted a P.I. chair and you deliver pamphlets to places. I didn't get voted in but I asked to help because I have done it in the past in K.C. and I have some knowledge of how it works. A couple notes. It is really hard to devote just an hour to things like this a week. I know self-discipline and self sacrifice are good things. I especially kind of have knowledge of how to come up with ideas, how to cultivate ideas, how to journal and really take notes of what we got accomplished what we have to set out to do and have a time table. Every time I do something for A.A. it has a time constraint on it and you have to really come through with what you say you are going to do. I have learned over the years to be strong and tough and if I am not 100% sure I can come through in situations I just flat out tell people I can't do that because I am lazy or it is too difficult. Nothing wrong with that at all. It is called cultivation of boundary setting. Work went alright today. I totally suck at moving pallets around in small spaces. It takes all my focus not to crash into things. I did a good job looking at my runs and breaking apart my materials and that part went good. I just did a bad job trying to get into tight spaces, getting pallets down, loading and doing all that quickly. I also always need to work on building batches tighter and well fitting and building them faster. Repetition without the idea of getting better is stupid. I played a bit of Forza 4 today. I am looking foward to getting my logitech g29 wheel and maybe the setup around it and maybe even the shifter. Who knows. I tend to go overboard and spoil myself that is for sure. I played some farming simulator today as well. I just like harvesting crops even though it doesn't provide much progress to the game.

10/06/16

Today was Wednesday which means I drive down to see my sponsor Raymond. Basically I tell him all the thoughts and emotions that I am going through and we plan out how we can handle them so I don't resort to using drugs or alcohol to handle situations. Things have been going better as of late. I hope I can get some other mental health issues squared away. I am going to see if I have A.D.D. because all of my life I have struggled with focus. I often test high on intelligent tests, but I suck at grades and work. One thing leads to another so that is good. It was like first someone told me I have a drinking problem so I fix that, then I have an anxiety problem go on lexipro and some other sort of medicine then that doesn't work, get put on latuva, that sucked and was expensive. So then I get put on something in the middle along with depakote. Long story short my sleep is better these days. I used to wake up with high anxiety, I would drive to the gym with high anxiety, I would work out for a bit. Then I would crash. Up and down up and down. It wasn't pleasant. So it seems like things are getting better. I have made small strides at work. I can now effectively move pallets from the side. I need to work on looking through my run list and breaking up the starches while looking at lot numbers. Spacing them accordingly. I was able to lift a bit today. Hopefully I can get back to lifting at Planet fitness and in the garage. When it is a billion degrees at work I don't have the energy to get off work and lift more.

Tuesday

I woke up today and I wanted t get my dad'smoney's worth out of his planet fitness membership.I went out and I introduced myself to a girl named Katrina. I said my name is Raphael like the ninja turtle and she said my name is Katrina like the hurricane. It was pretty funny. I listened to bad religion and worked on the pull up machine. It was a good experience. Everytime I workout I try to gather knowledge and try to tweak the workout to have a better experience. At noon I went to an AA meeting. It was alright. I have t go to work earily today to have my health screening. I am worried that my blood pressure will be high and they won't give me my discount. But like many things in life it is out of my control. I have been doing better at work with focusing on tasks although I am still pretty slow. I am constantly playing show me cash. I have a feeling I might win. It may be a misguided emotion. But I am goin to follow it for now.

10/04/16

I didn't get much done at work today. That is a bummer. Stuff was in weird places. I was feeling frisky and entered our biggest loser challenge at work. It is 5 dollars and I think that it is cool that I am at-least signed up for it. I have a health screening tomorrow at 2:40 PM that should be fun. I got to watch Monday Night Football. I watched some of the replay of the Friday night dirt racing as well. Good times.

Bowling

We lost 3 games and won 1 game this week. My old baseball Josh beat the crap out of us. I really bowled bad and I need to slow down and when I play side to side I get wonky. When I played straight up I did better.

Going over old notes

Going over some of my old journals what stood out is a couple techniques. One is if you don't understand what God is you can assign God-like powers to random stuff. Like this chair over here. I can put in lots of work and let the chair decide the results. Some how psychology it seems to work for me. Anything that makes my brain relinquish control is good. It takes fear out of my day to day life. I really want 4 video games bad right now. NBA 2k17 Nascar Revolution Fifa 2017. I will probably get some of those in the future. One of the questions always pondered in my journals is "What gets my out of bed early and makes me stay up late" for me it is the chance to read, reflect, and polish skills. I think it is interesting how you can learn new skills and learn and develop certain area's of your life. How I can be good at public speaking, then good at a forklift, and then good at networking. I also am really into sacrificing todays pleasure for tomorrows fortune. I know I will get those video games when the time is right. Right now If I buy them I will have buyers remorse.

09/29/2016

I have been pushing myself to not only go to AA meetings, but to go to Hazels the coffee shop here in st. joseph. I know I can make connections and network if I put in the work. Once you get momentum by going out in the public you often open the door to run errands you might normally not do. I was able to get some nice jeans from old navy and get my hair cut for JT's wedding. I wasn't happy with the haircut at the place I went to, I was going to light them up on yelp. I decided to really think about karma. What goes around comes around and you reap what you sow. So I just wrote about it as a joke on facebook.

09/29/16

Today I visited my sponsor Raymond. We chatted it up. Nothing really to report. I kind of suck at my job. I did a nice job making sure the piece pallets were straight and well marked today. I make progress each day and hopefully my bosses see that I am making progress. Job or no job I will be o.k. as long as I do my best. An ounce of discipline goes along ways. I listen to Jim Rohn tapes as much as possible. What I picked up today is keep on redefining what you want. I want financial freedom. Now even if I did have financial Freedom I would still try to cultivate some disciplines. That would be cool to give some money ato friends so we could all kick it as well. I think if I look really hard at my life I am making progress with my spending habits and saving habits. This job may not work out, but I am building resiliency and just overall toughness. You got to be like the energizer bunny and just keep working going and grinding on skills. I am not going well with some of my friends. That is my fault. I don't feel well enough to really deepen relationships most of the time. I just feel like outside of Bryce and "The V-Foundation" I don't connect well with my friends even when I really try. I talk to a social worker and what she said is with my depression and bi-polar I go through challenges 99% of the population doesn't go through so when I try to relate it is hard. I have been doing a good job of going on depression websites and "Liking" status or giving my experience strength and hope. I have been really on the grind there. I think about myself 95% of the day, but I try to pick my spots to help people. It looks like the Royals are going to go .500 this year. It was an up and down year. I will remember this year for Alex Gordon being terrible.

9/28

Today was a miracle. My sheet work at work wasn't totally destroyed and chewed up due to my clumbsyness. Yeah. This is the one year anniversary since a trip to Columbus which made me question tons of things that were going on in my life. Mainly do I want to work from morning till I fall asleep to do certain jobs. Sometimes you can get paid a bunch and do what you love but have a hollow feeling. That is what I felt when I was coming back. It didn't help that I liked one of my female coworkers and she of course turned me down because that is what happens to me. I haven't been doing well at work, but I will keep trying. When I am dead I can reflect on my wins and losses but the record won't show I didn't try. Good weekend for Sporting KC, Chiefs, and Manchester united!

Sports

Sporting KC got a big win. Manchester United got a win, Kevin Harvick got the win, Royals had some nice plays and of course it will be a Red Monday. I got alot of sports time in this weekend.

09/25/16

We bowled this weekend and we split games. We won two and we lost two. I bowled really well but kept leaving 10 pins. I did a good job at not getting too mad. I know that it was just one of those nights when I was going to leave bullcrap leaves after my first ball. I wrote down some notes. SLOW DOWN YOUR APPROACH. I tend to speed up to the line and get all wonky and miss my mark. Slow down and roll the ball over your intended target. I woke up yesterday and I read some of "The intelligent Investor" I was able to focus for a longer period of time on reading that gives me home that my focus will get better at work. At work I need to say out loud, verbally what I am doing to stay focused. I was able to read about 22 minutes which is more focused than I used to be. Hopefully I can read about 30 minutes a day. That will keep me growing and learning.

Stuff

Everyday can be better than the one before it, and I have the power to make it so. Lately I have been focusing on staying more focused at work. One of the tools I use is just repeating what bag I am on and what room I am on. It can be a bit weird to the people around me and it can be taxing on my voice, but it is work after all and anything I can do to stay focused is good. I suck so bad at motor skills as well. I always fumble pens, paper, and other things. I can create jokes and ideas though. I am not happy with the tools God gave me, but I can accept them and play the hand that I am dealt. Most of the times the people who are doing more things around me, I don't want to be them anyway. I suck at somethings, but I am good at sticking with projects and hammering them out, I got lots of guts and I am cool with being uncomfortable. I am also usually cool with my emotions. Loneliness, boredom, apathy, you name it. I read the book "Pathway to surrender" It has taught me how emotions are bad they are just emotions. I am grateful and blessed also to be able to afford books. My life would suck without them.

Attitude and Interest

I was watching some videos and one of the important aspect of any job is being interested in what you are doing. Taking ownership, having your heart into safety and the well-being for yourself and the company. Some of the techniques that lifted some of the fear off of me is to not focus on what I am getting, but to simply be focused and interested in doing the task at hand, interested in making companies successful, and provide value to people places and things. The change from me me me to what can I add of value helps lift fear if you focus on providing value.

09/22/16

This week was pretty challenging. I have under preformed at school and work most of my life. I feel like and told that I am a smart guy, but I just can't seem to focus or execute simple tasks. I will continue to work on the game within the game. The Royals are falling apart, but nfl is going strong so who cares much about baseball anymore. I got two new books "How to Crush it" and "Built to last" I am still grinding on "The intelligent Investor" it is not an easy read but I will keep at it. I hope to make more money someday, but if nothing else it is pretty entertaining and it feels good to be an carrier of a bunch of knowledge I will never put to use.

09/20/2016

This last weekend was a nice little weekend. I went to the Royals game in which we had baller seats. We bowled. I don't think our team did well. I was able to play farming simulator and elder scrolls a bit. I bowled alright it seemed like everyone else bowled alright as well. Work seems to be calming down a bit which is nice. The guy who was in a motorcycle accident came back so that was less work for me.

People

A dude at work got injured on a motorcycle. It was important for me that I focused on my text to him be about him and his well-being. I hate always being about me-me-me. I sent him a text, told him to relax. If I can improve in area's of being self-less and also being humble, it makes up for some parts of my life that I don't like.


I like using this old camcorder for poops and giggles. I lost the data SD major to mini adapter disk to it though. Sad face.

New books. I have been plugging my way through "Intelligent Investory" I ordered two new books "crush it" and "built to last" by Jim Collins.

09/11/2016

I woke up on Saturday pretty sore. I had been lifting bags for 10 hours all week. I had a rough week at work, but at-least I am working, and at-least I am learning somethings. You always can learn and relearn how to stick to things. Stick to reading, stick to learning, don't quit. Saturday we bowled. I had 2 good games, my dad did o.k. We lost 3 and maybe 4 games. It wasn't good, but Barb on our team had a good day. My uncle Adam came in and he was walking which was good because he had a horrible accident awhile back. It was fun to see my uncle Adam and Uncle Mike together. My extended family aren't too good to each other. Sunday we went down to Lawrence. It was a beautiful day. I miss Mass street and some other things about lawrence. We bowled and I had one good and one bad game. We raised some money for Cortlands school. We then took family photo's and we ate ice cream. I got to watch some football and my work called which upset me for awhile. Crap is always going to be messed up for me I suppose.

Weekend

3-day weekends are a great time to relax and catch up on some rest. I was able to get some sleep and recharge my batteries and get prepared for work on Tuesday. An overlooked part of success is knowing when to take breaks when it makes sense to do so. I watched some football and enjoyed some other people working on the gridiron. Nothing like some entertainment. My dad and I watched the Texas and Notre Dame game. It was a barn burner. I was able to play some Elder Scrolls but it was a grind. War Thunder is a way more fun game but I have it in my head if I stick to Elder Scrolls it will be more rewarding. I also played farming simulator. I finally got in the black for the first time in awhile. Tractors are expensive.

09/05/2016

Labor day weekend. We did a bit better as a team this weekend in bowling. I had a 225, 135, and a 197. The lighter ball seemed to be more fun because it was easier to throw. My dad's new ball seems to be doing well as well. Notre Dame lost in what was a great game vs. Texas. Vinnie's Snapchat is amazingly awesome. I did some fishing. Catfish love hot dogs.

Sunday

Yesterday on Saturday I had a couple crappy games bowling. My second game was better. My dad bowled better. His new ball looks good.

Learning the inside and out of the book Intelligent Investor

In my never ending search for cheap entertainment, I bought the book "The intelligent Investor" I plan in grinding through this book about the same that I grinded through the book "Master the money game" Some thoughts on the first part of the book. Risky investments make you a speculator and not an investor. Investing is boring, but the positives is a solid yield of results. Solid principles equal solid results. I also learned that the aurthor Benjamin Graham is a great investor but a boring ass writer. You have to be properly warned against speculative actions in nature. Clear idea of risks of investing is a good idea before you invest. This thought was powerful as well. You can have a high I.Q. have street smarts, be savy, but you can't predict the madness of the people. Bear and bull markets. People shouldn't be pissed about bear markets. If you have enough cash on hand you can buy stocks cheap and watch them rise. Then buy all the air jordan's you want.

The Intelligent Investor

I have been grinding on this book. Like the book solid investing is boring. Anything over a 7 percent return of investment is risky. There is a difference between investing and speculative.

My MODEL friend Elex sent me a message the other day. That made me feel good. He is a male model who I used to work with and he lives in L.A. He has got to meet some rockstars. I am cultured. The Royals won 9 in a row and Sporting KC lost 0-3.

08/22/16

It was a pretty chill weekend. I put lots of Pepper and Atmosphere on my mp3 players and my phone. I watched UFC with Matt. That was fun. It was beautiful out and I went fishing.

08/20/16

I was able to work through this week. I read some of the book the Intelligent Investor. I learned how to click then mark off at work. This summer was pretty good. I was able to go to buzz beach ball.

8/18/16

Work has been tough. I am still tightening up my work game. I go to AA Monday-Tuesday-Thursday-Friday. I go visit my sponsor Raymond on Wednesday. All of those keep my spirits up even when work and life is going bad I can still endure and enjoy it somewhat. I am looking forward to Conner Mcgregger vs. Nate Diaz this weekend. I may go watch it at buffalo wild wings and my friend Matt is supposed to record it.

The Weekend

This weekend didn't have MMA. I practiced Bowling. Pre-Season bowling is important. You have to get your mind, body and soul ready for the long season of bowling. My dad is getting a new ball because his ball hooks too early down the lane. He needs more slide then hook. I went boating and it was a nice day for it.

8/11

Work is always a struggle. I don't know when I am going to get faster. I have to give myself to credit though. I take the hardest work and I am the first to volunteer for overtime. I know how to be a leader and how to stay calm when things blow up around me at work LOL. I go to AA meetings Mon-Tuesday-Thursday- at noon. I drive down to see Raymond on Wednesday. All that is pretty productive. I have been reading more and more books that say to be quiet and be still and work on that. That is the key to being spiritual I guess is to be o.k. just sitting by yourself. So that is about all that is going on. I went bowling on Saturday. Pre-Season bowling is in full swing. Looking forward to bowling in a league this year and bringing home another title. I have been watching lots of MMA-UFC fights. Tyrone Woodly won a belt. Sporting KC needs to win more games. Royals are in the crapper. Chiefs are coming up.

The weekend

This weekend was filled with fun. I woke up and met my friend Ryan at dave and busters. It was fun. Then went to black dog. Then went to Matts the watch ufc. Sunday I woke up and went to Sporting KC game. They have been playing better as of late.

07/29

I went to the Royals game yesterday. Back that up. First I met with my sponsor in AA for a while. Then I went over to Jasons and we went to black dog. There was very strong coffee there. We had fun. I drove back to St. Joseph. I got my Royals Jersey and my dad and I went to the Royals game. I work in a warehouse he works at a warehouse. It is funny to talk about Forklifts. I drive a Hyster. The Royals won on a wild game and we caught a foul ball. Baseball and a big ole slice of americana is my favorite thing to do. Raul Mondosi had a good game.

Monday

Today was a bit rough. I was with a guy new to second shift at my work. Tomorrow is not going to be good. Things are messed up at work. Oh well. Royals need to lose and be done with it. Grrrr. Go Sporting. Offer on the table to sell Dom Dwyer.

July 24th

It was very hot today, but my dad and I went into trooper mode and made it out to Sporting K.C. they won and gave me a boost through the day. I watched some Nascar and some Queen live. On Saturday I watched UFC fight now. It was pretty good. UFC 201 should be very good.

Past weekend

This past weekend was fun. Buzz beachball was good. It was a tad hot, but nothing crazy. Work is steady and making steady progress in living a happier life I think. Who knows. I probably won't have nachos today and that will ruin my day. You just don't know what you are going to get with life. No Promises just life.

Tuesday

This weekend was about conserving resources. I probably could have gone out and bought 120 dollars worth of fireworks, but I choose to save that money for shots for the cat or something productive. Today I went to get my fishing license and Wal-Mart was being awesome as ususal. My mood was crappy today 3/10 although Mondays was 6/10 and Saturday before that was 5/10 and Friday was 3/10. So a string of down times but I mean I am just trying to stay in the A.C. and not die so I don't expect some wild out excitement.

Thursday

Getting ready for a 4 day weekend means more work this week. I am ready to play some video games and just kick it this weekend.

06/28/2016

Today was one of the rougher days I have had. From Feb to april i had consistent depression so it was easier to deal with because it was predictable. Todays episode came out strong from the morning. I called my sponsor Raymond. I went to the AA meeting. I felt a bit better then then I went to work and I was pretty down all night. I made it through. I would give my mood a 3/10. I wouldn't go lower than a 3 because I was able to function at work. Things are getting better though. Sundays and Mondays and sometimes parts of Saturday suck. I know each time I go through my episodes I get alittle bit better at coping with them.

New Friends and donating time

This week I did my part to donate time to AA. It is important to give back and be of service. I also put myself out there to hang out with a new friend. It is tough for a guy in his thirties to make new friends, but I know I have to put myself out there to network and have fun. So I did my part. yay.

Mood diary for wed

6/10 I felt aweful at work. It was hot and I couldn't execute or function well. Hopefully Thursday is better.

Tuesday

Monday I went out for a walk at the track. There was football practice already going on. All the kids were wearing sweet cleats. I went to work it was o.k. I would give my overall mood a 6/10. I was a bit depressed on Monday not for any reason. That is what happens with people with mood disorders I have learned. We can be depressed at a party and laughing at a funeral. Nothing makes sense mood-wize. Tuesday I got up and went to planet fitness. There were some girls I thought about talking to, but I passed on by because I had a sandwich waiting in my car. That is my one true love. Sandwiches.

Fathers Day Weekend

I went over to Matt's and watched UFC on Saturday. It was pretty fun. We also watched Copa America. Sunday I woke up and we went to Iron Horse bbq for fathers day. It was a pretty chill day. My overall mood was probably 7/10. Every once in awhile I get worried about keeping my job, but then I just try to let go and let God. I also try to do the next right thing. The right thing for this Sunday was to enjoy the Royals win, The Sporting KC win, The cavs win, and an amazing episode of Game of Thrones.

My day off

I had a day off planned for Thursday to go to the Royals game. It was a day full of awesome and wonder. Kind of like Game of Thrones exept without beheadings. The Royals lost and there were a ton of homeruns. It didn't get too hot because there was air conditioning right behind us. Overall mood for the day was 7-10. I was able to mow the grass as well.

Mood diary

Yesterday I felt 8 out of 10. I had a couple rough patches of neurotic thinking. At wor I brought my own staplele as stapler because I can't staple well and we have these batch sheets that need to be stapled quickly and I suck at it. The things I can control is work on my quality of work. Like Jim Rohm said you have to work on yourself harder than you work at your job. It was hot in the warehouse yesterday. I went to planet fitness today. Thus fulfilling my quota for the week.

06/15/2016

My mood today would be a 7 out of 10. It would be better but I was a bit squirlly most of the morning. I did go for a walk. I plan on hitting up planet fitness on Thursday. Reading about depression I can think of 3 things that usually trigger my depression. Loss of a job. Loss of a girlfriend or a girl I really like rejects me. Long periods of loneliness. I have hope that I don't fall back into deep depression, but if I do I know what to do. The lady I was seeing in Lawrence chuckled because I was pissed that everyone told me to "Get sunlight" when I was depressed. She was like people with depression been through it before they know all about it. It is life for them. They don't need advice they just need patience. That made sense to me because I have had periods of deep deperession 3 times in my life. Once my freshman year of college. Triggered by being alone all my friends left, no girlfriend, no job. It was a bad time. Somewhere around 08 I was in a deep depression then in 2010 but in 2010 I got through it pretty fast. Then in 15 and again in 16 with 16 being seemingly the most productive. Getting actual help being o.k. with how I am feeling and knowing that it will pass was pretty freeing and I can look back at the 16 depression as a positive. The other ones seem pretty worthless haha. Switching gears. I don't really feel proud or anything but it is worth noting that I talked to 50 people a day at call centers and made people laugh and provided a good experience when I worked there. The amount of people who came in contact with me is in the 10,000 and I can safely say that I used humor and empathy to my best of my ability to try to help people. For that I will give myself 10 dorito's.

Mood diary for Monday 4/10

I felt pretty weepy yesterday. Not totally sad or alone like some Mondays have been. I am going to try to keep a mood diary at the direction of one of my many books on depression. I was also grateful yesterday I had some relief from fear. Sometimes I get marred with fear of losing my job and being poor. It isn't logical but it is just what my body does. It is my body's way of making sure I have enough energy to get food or water. So I could go in deep on deep on the body and emotions because I have seen enough doctors and talked to enough people with depression and anxiety to know what is up. The bottom like is I felt 4 out of 10 yesterday.

06/14/2016

This weekend went by pretty well. Ever since I moved back to St. Joseph the weekends seem to be a bad time for me because I am lonely. Going to Matt's for UFC really helps. It also helps if I force myself to go to an AA meeting. There are also plenty of Depression websites I can chime in and give support or seek support from. All those are tools but sometimes I am just stubborn and I think magically some girls or guys should text me to do some awesome stuff on the weekends. So back to this weekend Saturday I watched Cortland and I vacuumed my car. I played some elder scrolls online, but not very much. I played some f1 2013 and forza 4. I have f1 2013 for xbox 360 and f1 2015 for ps4 so I switched between those two depending on if I want to race with the wheel or not. I know I am a dork. Sunday I went boating. Last time I went boating I was on a pretty strict diet so I felt crappy, this time I was not on a diet so I ate a big ass sandwich and dorito's and enjoyed the ride. It was somewhat nerve racking with everyone on board dog mom dad cortland and I, but I know it is days like that that I will remember when they are about to pull the plug on me. Work is a mixed bag. Sometimes it goes well sometime it doesn't. It is better than dealing with adjusters at my insurance job, and it is better than a call center. It isn't as cool as being a trainer. It sucked getting fired from that trainer position, but I know time heals all wounds. The Pittsburgh Penguins won the stanley cup which was cool. Nice to see a couple of championships in my lifetime.

06/03/2016

This week I have been able to work 10 hours. I haven't been able to work 8 because of various issues I have been having. So that felt good. It also feels good to listen to the band Phoenix. They are awesome.

Here are some things I am grateful for. Nachos, Hamburgers, Tacos, Casey's Pizza, Diet Mountain Dew, all the various casinos in the mid-west. Royals, Sporting KC, Chiefs, Mo-West, and charles barkley.

03/31/2016

Depression has let up for a day. When I feel decent I try to do the things that kind of suck. Pay bills, vacuum my car, and I went out to planet fitness. I am working 10 hour days this week which isn't great, but $$$ is nice.

5/30

The Royals moving into first place was very satisfying. I really don't like the white sox. They are the raiders of baseball. It was a good weekend. I went to my friend Matt's and the MMA fights were excellent.

Memorial Day weekend

Memorial Day weekend. It used to be special because you could work your butt off then party. Not so much partying now. Just making sure I get my work done and try to read some over the break. Next week I am working overtime again. That isn't good. Maybe I can finally start making progress on my medical bills. Sporting KC has been terrible, but the Penguins are in the Finals. Go pens Go!

05/16/2016

Watched 5 hours of baseball yesterday. Then the Royals won. It was nice. I then ate casey's pizza and watched game of thrones. That was also awesome. It is Monday. That is awesome as well.

05/15/2016

It has been awhile since I have blogged. I have been working on my forklifting skills at my new job. I have been listening to Deftones and Radiohead. I go for walks most days. I always like to read as well. That is all about that is going on. THE ROYALS AND SPORTING KC HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE. Tonight I watched ufc 198. It was pretty good but UFC 199 will be better.

04/30/2016

I started a new job a couple weeks ago. I sucked at first but I am not so sucky now. Everyday I get a bit better. Sporting KC and the Royals are in a down spurt in their collective sports. They better get their stuff together. Rubio opened his account with a goal in the last game though.

04/21/16

I have been working a lot more lately. It feels good to have my feet hurt and to get paid to actually do some work. I know that money and outside things don't bring constant happiness, but the little bit of happiness I get from doing work helps me. Life is a constant struggle to tell yourself that the outside things won't bring you deep level happiness. Royals have been on a bit of a skid lately as well as sporting kc. I am not hitting the panic button yet because I know they are two great teams and the cream always rises to the top.

Saturday

Woke up and listening to m-83. The good thing about not having a hangover is you can put together good playlists of songs for the day and for future enjoyment. Sporting KC lost on Wednesday which sucked but they are still doing well. The Royals are doing well. They are 8-2 and looking good.

Saturday bowling

Saturday I bowled 9 games including 6 in a tournament. I sucked balls. It wasn't that fun but I handled it with class. Our team for the southside mixers is going to win first place. So that is something.

4/9/2016

Yesterday I went to the Royals game. It was very cold and they won. The bottom of the lineup came through in the clutch and Wade Davis locked down the win. I can't wait to go to more baseball games. I BLEED ROYAL BLUE.
Sporting KC plays against the Red Bulls tonight. Sporting KC is looking to bounce back from a loss last week. The traffic was horrible going to the game. I didn't get too upset. It was a good time to listen to new music on the buzz. New m-83's, new songs by The Wombats, newer vampire weekend.

To get where you want to go you have to do what you have to do.

So in my quest to always make more money, have more peace, and be an overall awesome person. I try to strengthen and sharpen tools in my spiritual game. When people are on my case I remember that God is in charge and that he is my employer. I do my best to work hard and work smart. I also seek to understand rather to be understood. You have to be real humble in life. You have to be calm and don't react to the environment. It doesn't feel good and sometimes you have to eat the frog, but the hope is you can get better and better at staying calm and weather the storm of life.

March 22nd

Been along battle with depression since I quit my job. I am starting to feel a bit better as long as I go with the flow and don't struggle with everything my life entails. I have been walking and lifting weights. That always helps.

03/20/2016

Friday I wrapped up my first week of 5 am work. It went o.k. the flowers outside didn't need watering. Saturday we bowled. I bowled poorly. I woke up on Sunday and watched Manchester United and Manchester city. Manchester United won 1-0. KU won over the weekend. They look like national title contenders.

City Tournament wrap up

My dad, my uncle, and my friend Riley all bowled in the city tournament. It was bit of a grind and we were all up and down. Overall it was a good experience.

03/15

This week I have been waking up at 4:30 AM to go to my part-time job to work. I am o.k. with it. I really want to earn money so I can make my car payment and I want to keep working to have a good life. Each day I try to be a humble worker and be better and better.

Sporting wrapup 03/13/2016

In what was a soggy day. Sporting won. Tech nine was there! The H&R block guy was there as well. Dom Dwyer had two goals. Sporting KC never fails to amaze with their winning antics. Dom Dwyer had two goals. An unbelievable goal from along way out and then one set up with a couple one touches and a score. I am grateful that my dad could drive.

3/11/2016

This week I really hit it hard as far as applying for new positions. I tried to get one or two done a day. Herzog, Some Pest control place, Dupont, and now I need to apply for altec next. I put myself on diet that should help with my anxiety and depression. we shall see how that goes. Overall I am trying not to get too upset with my money situation or my life situation. My parents are taking good care of me. I just do the best I can and try to enjoy life as best as I can and keep moving forward. I am going to see sporting kc this weekend and that should be pretty fun.

Starting XI for Sporting KC

This weekend is opening kick off for the MLS. This what the Starters look like

03/04/2016

Jarrod Dyson got hurt which isn't good. The Royals are so stacked I think they can get by without him though. Royals and Sporting KC season is coming up quickly.

Painted today

Today I learned a bit about painting from my dad. It went pretty well. No disasters. Climbing up ladders at my work helped me a bit with this job.

Today at work

Today at work I moved around some mowers. They were heavy. I also cleaned up some scotts feeders. I then went to get my car. My car still needs to have service next week. It seems like it will be no issues after that. I got my oil changed in my car as well.

Tuesday

Tuesday I took my car to the dealership to get things fixed. I unloaded pots. Swept all day and did other random things at work. I showed people which grass seed to use as well.

Friday

Friday I woke up and I had some anxiety. I drove around. My shifter is acting up on my car. That really annoyed me. I remembered to be in the moment and not let it bother my night. I went to an AA meeting as well. I played lots of NHL 2015 and I raced some need for speed shift.

02/25/16

Today at work we put out all the grills outside and covered them. I got a phone and had to scan a bunch of stuff. I talked to a bunch of managers. I worked. I played some video games as well. I came home and I listened to light 70's music. Young people energize me. Especially 25 year old males. Fun times.

My Part-Time job

I unloaded a truck full of plants and trees, I found out where clothes pins are, I restocked shelves. It was good. I came home and played some ps4 and I played f1 2015 and finished 5 out of 21

Need For Speed Shift for X-Box 360

I tried for a couple hours to pass this part in Need for Speed where I take a benz against a porche. I finally had to cheese (cheat in gaming terms) and run the guy off the road. OH WELL COUNT IT. *Peals out*

02/22/16

Went to my part time job today. I went to an AA meeting. I am watching Better Call Saul today. I learned about hedge Trimmers and Generators. I am starting to settle in at my local AA hall here in St. Joseph. It is a different breed of person in St. Joseph compared to Johnson County. I went for a bit of a walk today. Not much in the way of walking, but enough to not feel guilty about not walking.

Sunday Daytona 500.

My dad and I picked up my stuff from my sisters. It was an interesting 9 months hanging out in Lawrence. My favorite memory was the generic Code Red pop from Dillians. We came home. I went to church and I work at my part time job tomorrow. It was a productive Sunday!

02/18/2016

Today was day number two of my part-time job. Today was a bit better. I was able to lighten up. I met a ton of people. Ron, Kathy, Chelsea, Joe, Brycen, Rachael, Rachael, Dwight...One thing I am able to do is meet everyone and be as nice as possible. Also someone brought their dog. I went for two...two mile walks today. I have been walking as much as possible as the weather has been getting better.

Part-Time Job

Started a Part-Time job today. It went well. Grateful just to get out of the house.

02/16/2016

I was able to pay my car note for my 200C so all you out there wanting to help, keep yo money until March 22nd. Today I woke up and I decided to make some videos for facebook. Mostly I want to go in-depth with the book "feeling good" by David Burns. I know my honesty in how down I feel sometimes can help other people. I have the time to dive deep in this book and that can help people on the go. It is also a good way to get over what people think because there are often people who hate on my videos.


Yesterday was fun. I went to an AA meeting, watched KU, and we had a great time watching Better Call Saul.

02/13/2016

Today I woke up and made my bed. I am treating my un-employement like rehab. Wake up. Make your bed, read something spiritual. KU had an amazing game today led by Devonte Graham. Sometimes leadership comes from weird places.


I got a new book. "Feeling good by Dr. Burns" Here is a video of it.

02/12/2016

Today I went down to Lawrence for 3/4 of counseling sessions. It was nice to have someone to talk to that doesn't make things worse. She has some funny stories. I played some farming simulator and brought home some books from my sisters.

02/12/2016

Yesterday I was pretty down day. I didn't want to do anything. I was able to read a bit, watch some informational videos, and watch game of thrones. Even on my worst day I tend to get lots of stuff done. Oh I also watched a little bit of Road House. Here is a video for you. Basically start your day by going all-IN on what you intend to do that day. Stay Hungry, Stay Humble, Stay getting money.

White Hot action

Even though I am not making money. I still have white hot action desire to do well. That is all that matters. Youtube and other videos keep fanning the flames to do well.

2/10/16

Yesterday I got to enjoy a Jayhawks victory. They are getting closer to moving up to the top of the big twelve, but not quite there yet. I have an interview for Home Depot today. I had some anxiety. I always think I know what is going to happen in life. Then it throws me a curve ball. Life is definately a game of tetris and not a game of chess. Back to the money grind. Fees suck. Here is a bit of a reading from my favorite book by Tony Robbins.

02/08/2016

Out of work for awhile. I want to make sure I continue to work out. Look for jobs that are a good fit for me. Also keep reading. I read from the book Master The Money game today. Basically Fees are bad mmmkay. Here is the video blog to go with it.

Looking for a new job.

Yesterday I went to a councilor because I have had severe depression. It hasn't been this bad for awhile. I have hope that if I find a new job that is better for me, that will help with my depression. I also have hope that if I continue to work with doctors I can find an anti-depressant that works. I need to apply at the following places this week.


PUBLIC LIBRARY'S around KC
Missouri Western State University
KU MED
Check into Hotel Management.
Menards.
Then maybe wal-mart or a gas station to get me by. Please Pray that I find the strength to do God's will. Right now it is hard to swallow the fact that my job wasn't working out any longer. I try to focus on the good. That Jason and I made it work for longer than it probably should have and I made it at Alliance Data for 2 years. Please pray I never work at a call center again as well.

I vow to cultivate my resilience and strength through my unemployment. I vow to maintain good spirits. I feel like I am a failure because I couldn't make it work at my job. I know that I am not a failure. Somethings just come to an end. I feel depressed that I have a loss of income. I know that is normal to have depression. Once I start making money again I will feel better, or just having some time pass. I know eventually I will feel better about just making a choice to quit this job and find a new one. That shows some courage and I know that courage is hard to build.

Positives in bad situations

I decided to leave my work because it was too stressful. I feel like I was going to abuse alchohol or drugs if I kept working there. So I took a leap of faith and put in my two-week notice. I was full of fear and sadness. I don't want to lose my car or my good credit. It is out of my hands though. I just need to work on my resume and my cover letter and move forward. People say that I am a good worker so I am sure I will get a chance to prove myself. Some positives to take away is that I have the courage to walk away from something that isn't right for me. I learned a bit how to cope better with the unknown. I was really hit with fear, depression, and worry. I did the best I could to cope with those emotions while still being productive. I always need to stay in Today. That is all anyone has. Whenever my mind pictures me losing something, I just say "Thanks mind" and move on with being productive.

Thursday

This week has been a pile of poop. I have slept a ton because I have a fever. I can barely make it through work because something is going on with me. I am going to try some counseling and get my meds adjusted ASAP so I can make it through a day of work without feeling overwhelmed or just feeling down. I am going to try to read some on my day off and that will make me feel better.

Monday

Monday I woke up. I had some nightmares yesterday which kind of threw my sleep off. I woke up and I was in a bla mood. Pretty standard for a Monday. I really didn't want to work. It took about three hours of work to get settled in and start helping people with credit cards instead of just fighting it. It really just takes me to say the serenity prayer over and over and then I have to say to myself "Listen buddy, you aren't going anywhere, just settle in and do work" After work I went to AA and went to visit Raymond. It was nice not showing up to work being hungover and gross and it is nice not feeling crappy and full of shame. I go back to A.A. because not drinking beats drinking. In fact I rarely come in contact with a full out drunk idiot because I don't hang out in bars, but I did in fact come in contact with a drunk idiot the other day. I thanked God for plenty of support with A.A. and doctors. Tomorrow I think will be better. I took a day off from my medicine because my sister was coming into town and I didn't plan my medicine schedule around that. I think that once I get back on my meds and get some sleep Tuesday will be better. My friend Keith sent me a text message. Also the fights this weekend look to be good.

The Weekend and Randoms

On Thursday I had a lunch date with a lady friend. As usual my advice for dates of any kind is not be a jackass. Show up on time. Stand and be nice. Don't talk and don't mess things up. As I have witnessed many of times over the years ladies will throw down their napkins and leave you at any one of my various faults so I don't get all upset if that happens. I did get a bagal and I was like where the hell is my jam. The jam was put in a sauce bowl like ketchup or bbq sauce. I was thrown for a loop. The date was good. I went to work. I bowled yesterday and I bowled my best. This was nice because I worked hard on my game and finally I made some 10 pins that I had worked so hard to make. Tomorrow is the championships and go pats.

Weekend

Weekend was good. TJ DILLISHAW WAS ROBBED. My mom bowled well. I was pretty sick, but survived. It was very cold out. The chiefs lost, which was not a surprise. Tom Brady's release is quicker than me racing to the golden biscuits at Wyatts Cafe.

Video Blog 1/12

Stuff

I have been going back and forth through medical insurance, my doctor, and work to get things straightened out with my fmla. It sucks. I also am sick which sucks. The chiefs do not suck. Their defense is boss pimp. The chiefs defense is bomb.

1-9-26

always find out what people want. You provide what people want and your needs will be met.

1-8-16

Business is all about finding out what people want and supplying that to them at a giant price! Today I went and got my tags for my car. My tags now read "paper" Like #getmoney and paper chaser. I was able to go to the doctor today. He didn't up my meds or do anything crazy. I have to call on Monday to see if my FLMA was approved. Today I am just going to do some reading and enjoy my night.

January 8th video blog

why is the camera so close you ask? It is like 7:30 AM.

If you are unhappy

I thought it was funny because there was several people who switched jobs thinking it was going to make them happier. In general. If you are unhappy inside..you are going to be unhappy at your job, with or without a relationship, and with your life in general. I have been feeling a bit better. I had to work through so much crap with my doctor, AA, work, on the inside I have faith. I have faith because I have a white hot burning desire to be successful and to have a purpose with my life. I read "Think and Grow rich" most days and that book talks about how it starts with a burning hot desire..then that goes to faith or a vision...then to action...then back to the white hot burning desire.


when your life sucks this prayer helps LOL I pray that I may see God's meaning in my life. I pray that I may gladly accept what God has to teach me.

Thursday

Trying to get FLMA has been a complete pain in the ass. Keep working keep grinding. I went to AA yesterday. Once again keep working...keep grinding. Everything seems to suck, but as long as I keep learning and getting better each day my life gets better. It was fun to flex a little bit for Byrdman. I don't make much money, but I still like to flex with cars, rap music, buffalo wild wings, and KU tickets. I have been walking but not grinding on the diet. My main focus has been getting FMLA, getting through work, going to AA, and just generally not screwing up stuff. E-40, Kendrick Lamar, Artic Monkeys. That is what I have been listening too.

Reading Tony Robbins book part 1

Trivia winners

Yesterday I went out for trivia. We won trivia. I know my african amaerican oscar winners and my sports trivia.

Date

So I had this breakfast date today. Total pain in the ass downtown. I shaved and I didn't dress or talk like a jackass. Yay me. I did my part. No1cur what happens next.

1/3

Yesterday I went over to Engineer Matts. He gave me some hot stock tips. Mainly we talked about how to make so much money you can live off of the interest. It definitely caught my "interest." The main fight yesterday was really good. The fights have been lately been awesome under cards but the main cards were crappy. Yesterday the main fight was good with Ruthless Robbie Lawler coming away with a victory.



that is me talking about some of my goals.

I hung out with Jason and Adam and we talked about how awesome the chiefs are! I got my haircut today and I filled up my car with gas. I was about ready to get my car washed but the automatic car wash was all jacked up. The guy in-front of me got one half-assed car wash. I am grateful it wasn't me.