Scarette Johannsen

I had a dude tell me "the things I would do with Scarlette Johanssen and it involved alot of sex...here are the things I would do.

the things I would do to Scarlette Johanssen

1.) Invite her to see the Fast Five but give her the wrong times so I could see it alone
2.) give her 1 of my 8 ski balls at Red Baron in the St Joe mall, then cuss her out when she only gets a 30.
3.) Make her some fish sticks but when she goes to eat one knock them out of her hand and tell her "these things are bad for you!"
4 As she is walking up the steps poke her in the ass with a Diet Pepsi bottle and tell her "these things have a mind of their own!"
5 As her who her Heisman Trophy vote went to this year, then explain to her that she doesn't know shit about football

Hollywood is giving Demonpenz what he wants

I am so excited about "The Fast five" I can hardly contain my action-boner. If you were to give me a hundred trillion dollars to make a movie it would have explosions, acdc fueled soundtrack, The Rock, Vin Desiel, a bunch of cars a bunch of cars exploding, a bunch of people exploding, exploding things exploding. It would be 4 hours of explosion porn. Ludicrus is in there as well, pretty much the 5th favorite rapper among white people behind Will Smith, Nelly, TI, Eminem. I love Fast and the Furious. It's quote-able, it's dumb, it isn't anything like real life. Like do you ever see Vin Desiel protien or work out? Biology says he has to take in 3000 calories of protein and work his arms out to maintain those glorious pythons, yet you never see him take a break from being awesome to work out. Why? Because it is a movie and it isn't supposed to be real life. If I wanted real life I would watch the 200 pound pregnant 15 year old fall on her puss trying to serve me a cony-dog at sonic in icy weather.

Welcome to Social Distortion tuesday. Crabtree doesn't like Social D much because they can play decent guitars and sing and shit. He has no place for that...he likes the misfits. Me? I like Social Distortion just fine........ AhhhHHhHHhhH the story of my life. I am surprised no one in my high school wasn't really into Social D. I guess we just we all wrapped up in sucking stone gossards peter during that period. whats hot and whats not for this week.

whats hot? Tom Brady and the Pats
whats not? Blondes with Black roots and eyebrows.
Whats hot? The Boston RedSox GM
whats not? the Royals GM.
Whats hot? not spending money this christmas
Whats not? Re-gifting.

glad the chiefs showed up and played this past week. If an average group of americans worked like that their bosses would make them use a pto day.

12/13/10 What the?

So I walk out today to start up my car in this holy dick cold weather we are having. I saw what looked to be glass all over the seat and by my gas and break peddles. hmmm did the windshield bust because of the snow and ice? No. Did the window shatter. Umm no. what the hell is all this glass like so I sweep it off and I didn't really have a chance to see wha the crap this was and then I noticed it wasn't all over the place when car was warmed up. Well that was frozen Dr Pepper, I left a can of Diet Dr. pepper in my car in -200202020 degree weather and it assssploded.

Freaky Friday

Well it has been a nice week back at work. No real problems. It looks like I will be getting a small raise next year which is good. A funny thing happened this week. I was talking to my friend and he was talking about how "Gossiping" keeps you from Gods love I thought to myself, I never gossip or take part of anything because I don't have many friends that hang out day to day to yap about. Then the next day a perfect example came into my life of how I could gossip and make the situation about how awesome I am. Instead I worked hard to just keep my mouth shut and keep my side of the street clean. I have been sucking ass at standup lately, but that is ok. I will be doing that shit for life...unless I have a change of heart...I feel like I have been given a special talent for being batshit crazy. I am sick of the cold weather again. It almost ruined ireland if it wasn't for British tv! I haven't been out sarging on women lately, which is good because life is good and I don't need some dame messing it up but I like to dream every once in awhile about going out and really asking a bunch of girls out in hope of working the 1/10 rule swope employed. I spoke to a couple of my friends about the same deal the other day, they were terrified because they can barely get through the day, let alone having some chick messing up their plumbing at home, and I don't mean that in some sexual way, I mean chicks use alot of toilet paper. Sam better not read anymore of this...if she does sorry in advance




What the fuck are the Royals doing? Instead of having a solid atbat guy in left in Dejesus we trade him for some C+ type pitchers. Then we sign Guillen part II in Jeff Francour. Dayton moores ability to evaluate talent makes about as much sense as a pregnant lady trying to ride the orient express. I am going to try to not buy anymore royals shit until the young guys come up in 2013. I expect more of the same shit for 2011, I wanted billy butler to really hit the weights and not eat 3000 calories of Fudge crackers, but it looks like his fat ass loves fudge crackers.




Bowe and Charles have been in beastmode this year, I wish Charles would rip off 50 yd touchdowns, but he has been getting 7-8 yards a pop which is good as well. I am just glad the chiefs are worth a shit again, and instead of patching together a 10-6 vet team we got some young players that project to be pro bowl players. Eric Berry is supposed to be Ed Reed, Troy Poulamalu, and Charles Bronson all together. I think we lose a tight one this weekend to San Diego, but thats ok. Superbowl 2011.

Dollar general doesn't carry shamwows they carry a shammie called "Wow!" and a shammie called "Shamease" I don't think those are made in germany.

After spending along time in Atlanta's airport I want to roll up the SEC football conference in a burrito and punch that conference in the face. Everyone 5 seconds I had to hear about how awesome that conference is.

December 6th Saying goodbye to a friend

I about ran over my dog pepper in 1999 as she was walking across with other puppys st joe avenue. I picked her up and brought her home and luckily my parents let me keep her. She had a friend in a simease cat named Sheba. Pepper was put to sleep while I was in Ireland because she had alot of health problems. I hate to use the movie "old school" as a source of inspiration but there is a part where Vince Vaughn goes. "Blue was old, an damnit thats what old people do, they die" thats what happens to old dogs too. It is sad but a reality that people have shit to do so you can't sit around mope-ing too long. Ireland was bad ass. Today was tough getting back to work and such. IDK if I am doing comedy this week. I am pooped and haven't practiced.

Hen Party

I always called the cock block, or the bitch shield of a group of girls or a gaggle of girls "Mother hen" well they call Bachlorette parties Hen Parties. YOU LIKE THE HEN PARTIES WITH ALL THE NOISE. Why yes I do. Thats why when you are married you are a hen and not married a chick. Hense us americans call them CHICKS