Dec 19th 2019

I let this blog lapse. I am a little bitch when it comes to staying on things like this blog. Life has been difficult the last month or so not because of outside things. I just get depressed and from the depression comes sadness hopelessness feeling alone etc etc. I know that is just a physical condition and plenty of people know and love me. That was evident on my birthday when my dad took me out to eat. In other news I had some good jokes on facebook which was cool to see that my humor is appreciated. Work is ok. It has provided me gas money, food, and video game money.

Accomplishment #6 Lifting weights!

I had a 575 total squat and bench my senior year which was good enough for like 20th of all time for the people that actual had it verified. Whitaker had 600 Mathias and Palawski may have been 700 but me and puckett were snug in the 500 club I think. Now that ain't shit like people get to the 1000 club but it was 4 years of work to get there and they repainted the wall but I at-least got to put my name on it. I continue to do some lifting today and going for a walk but it is rarely work. It is more for fun, but football, lifting, and was hard. I am glad I have to do 8 hours of shit and basically get to fuck off the rest of the day today in my life.

#5 accomplishment not being an asshole to old people!

I always give the respect to old people. Especially my Grandma and grandpa. When I got older I tried my best to swing my my grandma's and when I was younger I tried to visit my grandpa as much as possible. I have no regrets in most area's in my life and if I died today I would just thank God I was born a white male in America. That shit is amazing.

#4 thing I am proud of

Getting out and watching sports games. Changing my life and being able to cope with travel without drinking was very hard. It ment I could go to Nascar, Royals, Sporting KC, pretty much any concert and not have to get a cab or not having to piss off people I am with or other people. So there is lots of time spent with family and friends that I had to work hard to get my shit together at work and get my shit together mentally, and get my shit together physically so I could enjoy the time off in the weekends to spend it with the people I love.

Today

Today I had a situation where I wasn't comfortable. I let people know I was not cool with it. Set boundaries. Then I sat there upset which was my ego doing it's thing because it wants me safe and it wants people to like me. I hung in there and it looks like the day will be ok. I guess that is where I am at with people pleasing. My actions can set boundaries but my insides get torn up as my ego needs to go to the way of the dinosaur. Oh Well fuck it dude lets go bowling /big lebowski

accomplishment #3 stand up comedy

It was always a dream to give an honest try to stand up comedy. I learned alot doing it. It was tough and sometimes I got laughs. I can die in peace knowing that I gave my calling a try.

#2 accomplishment getting sober

It takes balls to stop just stuffing feelings doing shots hitting on chicks and being a fuck boy and starting to pay money get mentors pay more money for therapy and medication and spend a fuck ton on time and effort and getting humbled and your ego annihilated but that is what it takes to face the world without booze and weed. It sucks but dying a sick ass death is not very cool and that is the biggest problem I had was I was taking on so much bullshit because I had no coping skills I had to stuff and drink and after awhile drinking wasn't getting me by. So wallah no more drinking and spending money and time and now I wake up with anxiety and dread but I am not super ass sick with my head over my toilet begging for death every Monday. Also I don't break my glasses or phone or lose my wallet as much. The worst thing is just living with pain. Like this girl destroyed my advance for more than friends and I just had to eat shit until it passed, then it came back up when she got married and I just had to go through the motions and get by but inside was crushed. Alas that is what most of my time is now is living and embracing emotions. Holy shit I just ran spell check. Progress in my writing skills! FUCK YEAH. I got better at the scissor lift and heights yesterday. Yay me as well. Driving a scissor lift will show up on my accomplishment list in the future