why the fuck do I still have crushes at 40?

On Sunday one person brought up a memory of a girl that I have a crush on. The intense feelings came back and they were there today. I am addicted to feeling bad or at-least feeling "different" I know the universe put everyone in seperate situations for a reason. I would be miserable with this girl and we would break up soon after we got together because she ain't about cars video games and porn like I am. It is easy to have crushes when you never see what a heartless bitch people are or what a pain in the ass they are. All I see is my boring ass life and a hot ass girl on facebook. Anyway the thing that gave me some relief and I saw that with her I would be broke as fuck and that I should just trust the universe. It has my back.

10/25 Sporting KC and Chiefs wrap up

On saturday I was able to score free sporting kc tickets. My dad and I went down to watch sporting KC whoop Colorado's ass. Then sunday I got buffalo wild wings and hung out and watched the chiefs whoop that ass.

10/06/20

Yesterday we had to work 10 hours which no one was happy about. I took the attitude that I have a couple hours to donate to work for the company. I take the attitude of gratitude and treat situations as a challege and that makes me feel a bit better as it is a a better way of handling it than saying FUCK THIS. I am a good example of how to keep an attitude of gratitude and an attitude of taking on challenges instead of being a victim. Today I woke dissapointed I am not ripped but I know that the work is the reward.

10/05

Over the weekend my dad and I went to a car show on Sunday. It was a a beautiful day out and it worked out nicely that the chiefs did not play. On Saturday Paulido had a big game scoring 2 goals for sporting kc. Overall I am doing pretty good. Last week I was able to get a lot of shit done and I am sure this week will be the same. If you are not on drugs or drinking all day you are going to get shit done. I lost a couple pounds and was down to 219 when I weighed in at weight watchers but I was hungry as fuck all weekend. I ate a fuck ton of food but I don't think it was as bad as it could have been. Ususally I smashed like entire packages of oreo's. I had a tenderloin 11 bags of popcorn and some funyons. Funyons are suprisingly not many calories. I woke up on monday morning and I had a dream about molly which sucks I am trying to move past that, but I know God is giving me an easier life without bullshit girls and kids and all that. Another girl got married that totally shut my ass down and blocked me on IG and I didn't have any emotion for that other than holy shit I think only a few people like me and my family is most of them. Man I would just like some approval for certain girls just to even talk to me but they don't because they know I am an emotional black hole that falls in love with any girl that talk them so they move on. I was able to watch the sunday night game yesterday. It was close.

09/28/20

I have been having steady mood swings lately. Most of the time I wake up and I feel 7 or 8 out of 10 which is great for me. The Chiefs are looking awesome and sporting looks like shit but they are still like 2nd or 3rd in their division so anything is possible. I have been doing a good job not messaging girls that don't want to be with me and guys who don't do anything for me instead on focusing on family and friends that have a consistant relationship with me. That is supposed to give me self-esteem and I can't really feel that but at-least I don't feel bad.

Sporting KC last week and this year

Sporting kc this year has been ok. They have a problem with dominating the game but not winning. Last week Von Fossen and I went to the game. We wore masks. SKC won.

09/17

I fucked up at work today throwing 5 bags too many on 2 batches. I felt pretty decent about it. I think the prozac is helping my mood from bottoming out. I went to a pathologyst on tuesday which was ok. I was just covering my bases that my councilor wanted me to see a psycologist and a pathologist you get some more info on what I go through. Seems to be ok. I know it is going to cost about 2 grand jwhen it is over. That is ok though if it brings my mood up alittle bit