Le Negra De Mamba

Ole Kobe has been struggling lately. Where is his legs...is he done? The lake show needs to go through Gosal for the time being. Take some weeks off Mamba!

Kingpin vs Dumb and Dumber

2 heavyweight comedy movies. I recently posted a poll at chiefsplanet and not surprising that Dumb and Dumber was picked over kingpin. 22 votes for Dumb and Dumber 19 for KingPin. They are both classic...Jim Carrey....Legend....Bill Murry is Epic....two fight scenes with 90's athletes. Seabass was played by Cam Neeley at hockey player...skidmark was played by Roger Clemmons.

Big gulps huh.....................................well, see ya later!

She said handsome, not handless.

New Years. always overated.

Man I remember for a good 12 year span people asking me 10 weeks in advance what I was doing for New Years. The answer was always the same, getting drunk and waiting for "MY TIME TO SHINE" the truth is you chance to shine is waiting for you whenever you wake up and give your gifts to the world. Instead of awe shit 8 hours of bullshit at work today. You should pray to God. Dear God...let me give my gifts of funny and random pop culture to the world with awesomeness and smileyness. That would be funny if on new years they had Katie Holmes and Dick clark both on tv at the same time. That way together they could have one working face.

D-bowe is a beast and society is in danger.

Ok first of all. Congrats to D-bowe to making the pro-bowl. He worked his ass off and his ability to play into a team concept is helping his dreams come true. It reminds me of myself. If I go out and try to be a Dane Cook look at me type of comedian or a selfis blogger. I feel like shit and don't get anything done. If I wake up and I try to move society forward I feel great.

So I have been still playing with internet dating game trying to really find that sweet spot between nice guy and total asshole and I realize that hot girls really take shit way to seriously. Yeah yeah it is common knowledge that you are supposed to turn up the jerk for the hot girls. I emailed a couple girls with these lines.

"you are so brown that I had to turn up the brightness on my screen to see you" Girl number 1

"Chinease people are taking our jobs. America Fuck yeah!"

the gils got all bent out of shape and wrote me long emails about how one is native american and the other is chinese. So I guess where I am at right now is well you hav to be a jerk to even get a reply, but you have to reel them after you get them fired up. I honestly don't want a girl like that, I just want to calibrate my online game. I will probably appoligize to these girls because I don't mean to be an asshole. I just want a girl that doesn't take shit so seriously. How cool would it be like

HEY CHINEASE PEOPLE TAKING ARE JOBS! and the girl replies
HAHA AMERICANS GET A JOB LOSER!

People take shit too seriously.

Been playing Internet dating sites like video games

Careful.....the sites are addicting. I forget that these people are actual troubled woman that can't find a man...so they are looking to cling on to someone....Anyway for some reason I find cussing right off the bat gets responses. I mean girls don't know what they want anyway, but you really have to surprise them with your open intro like this.

" I read your profile, but it is boring, you need to use fucking and piss and words like that in your profile"

I get a response which is more than

Hi...I am raphael.... I will give you all my money

Cheap is fun

I like coming into a coffee house late so a girl pays for her own coffee then to ask her "Why didn't you buy me a coffee that is rude!"

Willow the movie

Thank you for my Zune and Crabtree for being a nerd. I figure I would put on my wizzard hat and scarffff and watch Willow.
Here is the post I had on chiefsplanet.com

just finished up watching the hit movie "Willow" from the 80's. What a strange time for midgets.... I mean this was before the politcal correctness of the 90's and before MINI ME made Midgets loveable and cute. So in the movie it just looks like a bunch of Midgets running around smelling like sausage for 2 hours. Iceman from Top Gun is in it, but he doesn't bite really hard at top cruise in this, which sucks, you figure every movie Iceman is in he would Bite really hard at someone. there is a 2 headed Dragon that eats a bunch of extras in the movies, but the movie overall is boring. There are a bunch of dudes that look like ZZ TOP dressed in robs, but the eliminator Ford Coupe Hot rod is no where to be found.

I STOLE DA BABY

Well thanks for the input I thought it was boring. I wish the midgets would have atleast operated the tilt-a-whirl or something.

No one exploits George Lucas Like midgets....wait do I have that backwards?

JoeNation

ohhhhh I love this term because St. Joseph really has small towns around it, it really makes sense calling all the places that kq2 covers called JoeNation. It can also be used in this way

Having a local commercial come on 10 times louder than the commercial before is very JoeNation. Especially commercials selling you a used car or furnature (to people)

Wierdness Dating and stuff

Hmmmmm Just heard on a dating podcast that it is a good idea to wait 3 months to throw a bone in a girl (this is me paraphrasing) this is because you don't know if a girl is psycho until the cloud of OMG a girl Likes me! phase is gone. I ummmm don't really want to subject, but it was interesting enough to post. So you might want to wait 3 months to F some girl in the V so you have a clear head.

A bad boy reformed to being good,

demonpenz

Dismiss this Wanker ANDY

The elder statesman Brendon told me that when it was really silent at the U.S. Open. Scotland-er Andy Murray was getting ready to serve. It was quiet as quiet could be.... Andy Murry throws the ball up for what can only be described as the 10th best serve on the tennis tour. The ball is spinning around quietly. The quiet people are being quiet. Right when Andy Murry was going to strike the tennis ball with all his awesome glory a dude in the crowd goes.

DISSMISS THIS WANKER ANDY!

staying on task day 2

We are busy as all get out at work, I seemed to be on task more today than yesterday thanks to God, Jesus, and the people praying for me. I love modest mouse, they are like the killers...if the killers were on hard drugs 24 hours a day... and if the killers didn't have to produce radio playable songs.

as Reaper16 says...Kings Of Leon is the redneck coldplay and Arcade fire is Emo Slipknot

Staying on Task

Today was a tough day staying on task. Doing shit I don't like to do for 8+ hours is a bore. I know steps 1,6,7 in the big book of Annonymous will help but it didn't much today. ugh. Some stuff pisses me off and a problem shared with a friend is a problem cut in two, lets just say people frustrate me! Royals traded Grienke. We got some good players in return and they will be studs, yeah right, we all know they will suck shit but I have accepted the fact that as a baseball fan I will watch their shit sucking every year. This years Christmas is should be fun. I plan on going home and sitting on the couch and closing my eyes and enjoying some time away from the grind. (the grind staring eric niesssss was a sweet show). I love Silversun Pickups...I love the song Lazy Eye. I listen to that song every year when it gets cold. I will be honest though, I thought it was a chick singer for (I am going to sing this net part) ALLLLLL MY LIFE.
I sang the ALLLL MY LIFE like to the song Lazy eye...errrr nevermind.

DISMISS THIS WANKER ANDY!

the lady at the bank in detail (she was crazy remix)

The lady waiting in line infront of me at the bank smelled like cat piss and looked like she was wearing the cloth cut off a couch from the 70's. Her hair looked like a tumbleweed dipped in shit.

12/20/10 (part 1)

Ugh...today is a struggle. Friday was a grind. Actually every day ever is a struggle to grind it out. Anywya on Friday I got off work and I had some energy, Instead of doing something foolish like go to the Oak Park mall I decided to go down to see Bryce in springfield. I actually hoped to see his older brother as well because his brother does a perfect impression of the a soprano extra.

FUCKIN FOR-GET-ABOUT-IT!




Bryce and I just went to sleep on friday because we were tired. Saturday we went out and went shopping. Springfield is a a 7 on the white trash scale. I guess the north side is like the southside of ST. Joe circa 1994. I went to the bank and this lady talked for an hour about her problems in front of me, everyone sighed and were getting pissed but everyone was nice until the lady who had some mental problems left. The first thing I said to make sure everyone was abe to turn the situation into a fun one was like. SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL THAT LADY TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. I HAVE SHIT TO BUY PEOPLE TO MAKE THEM LOVE ME. IT'S CHRISTMAS. Dropping a well placed F word is fun to do to release tension. This one lady behind me was telling me how "true it was" she actually told me "it's true" twice. The lady behind the counter obviously wanted me something hard because she gave out this vibe "oh...you're trouble....When a girl says you're trouble like that it means they want you- Fact. Anyway I had no time to flirt with Bankgirl so she gave me my money for the 10 dollar check and I went shopping.

Talking about V's blog

V-Foundation's latest blogs talk about the tendancy to jump into relationships during Christmas time. I think it is because they are trying to fill a Jesus sized hole in the sole. The only way to fill that Jesus hole is to work on your faith, clean house or help others. J.C. Penny is probably satan. They know you will buy shit you don't need if your Jesus spot isn't filled in. That is why I have 40 pairs of chinese Roller blades in my apartment. I def tried to fill my faith with Nachos and Hooch (and by hooch I mean hee haw) and by hee haw I mean whiskey and Mountain dew. So work on your faith or study jesus or help others. Like me I do this blog for the people! your welcome!

I once heard "never give up the good life to chase the great life" I don't know what that means, that actually seems kind of like shitty. Like why watch K-9 cop on TBS when Turner and Hooch has a special Edition DVD out? Anyway the deal is alot of stuff is fun to run through your head than to actually do. Like having a trophy wife is awesome, but when if Kansas City gets a important golf tournament? Then I will have to Tiger Woods Proof my house. Or having a sports car....yeah I want to drive a Miata around in the snow...Or going to Arizona...yeah the weather is nice, but falling on a cactus would pain in the ass. Litterally. So for now I will enjoy what I have and not try to chase some dream, than when I got it, I would be like now what do I do?

The question on V's Blog was that girls are either 1 Sane 2 Single 3 or hot and you can only choose 3. That sounds like some shit you would see on a T-shirt at a flea market in Osage Beach Missouri. You can find girls with all three, you just won't find them at the power and light. You have to really find these girls outside of Colleges...upper level courses. That is where I would hunt for them. I actually can think of a girl right now that is Hot-Sane-Single the deal is Getting married or dating someone isn't her "superbowl" I am sure Vinnie will hit the "being single" 7 ways for sunday, but he blasted out out of the park with his take People get some kind of sadness seeing single people. Like awwww look at the wittle girl....her uterous is like a barren wasteland of waste. Well maybe that chick or guy wants to do something awesome like ride a rocket to the moon! Or drink a case of grape shasta and inflate a basketball.

I don't know what to bring to interviews

I recieved an email from a close and personal friend today asking me if I want to be in advertising. Now I don't know what kind of job I would get but I expect with me being A:) White B:) Awesome C:) Fucking awesome I would be applying for job that would give me full access to previously unrealeased scenes from Airwolf season 2 (Jan Michael Vincent at his best!

Anyway so I like to run scenerios on my operating system in my mind. I can just imagine myself going into a 5 dollar an hour job for an add agency and pitching a Knight Rider Baywatch mashup...all we need is some Just for Men hair coloring for Hasseloffs Grey hair...and his grey hair on his chest.


Vin Diesel is so awesome I guess they had to shut down half the theatres in the new fast and the furious because people were throwing up at the sight of his glorious pythons. As a creator of awesome I prepose we morph vin diesel's glorious arms with Paul Walkers boyish good looks. But as Byrd points out

"That shit would be illegal in 3 states!"

Kansas New hampshire and Atchison.. BANNED!


Paul Walker always gets props for his boyish good looks even though he was roughly 39 in varsity blues and now is 57 years old

Scarette Johannsen

I had a dude tell me "the things I would do with Scarlette Johanssen and it involved alot of sex...here are the things I would do.

the things I would do to Scarlette Johanssen

1.) Invite her to see the Fast Five but give her the wrong times so I could see it alone
2.) give her 1 of my 8 ski balls at Red Baron in the St Joe mall, then cuss her out when she only gets a 30.
3.) Make her some fish sticks but when she goes to eat one knock them out of her hand and tell her "these things are bad for you!"
4 As she is walking up the steps poke her in the ass with a Diet Pepsi bottle and tell her "these things have a mind of their own!"
5 As her who her Heisman Trophy vote went to this year, then explain to her that she doesn't know shit about football

Hollywood is giving Demonpenz what he wants

I am so excited about "The Fast five" I can hardly contain my action-boner. If you were to give me a hundred trillion dollars to make a movie it would have explosions, acdc fueled soundtrack, The Rock, Vin Desiel, a bunch of cars a bunch of cars exploding, a bunch of people exploding, exploding things exploding. It would be 4 hours of explosion porn. Ludicrus is in there as well, pretty much the 5th favorite rapper among white people behind Will Smith, Nelly, TI, Eminem. I love Fast and the Furious. It's quote-able, it's dumb, it isn't anything like real life. Like do you ever see Vin Desiel protien or work out? Biology says he has to take in 3000 calories of protein and work his arms out to maintain those glorious pythons, yet you never see him take a break from being awesome to work out. Why? Because it is a movie and it isn't supposed to be real life. If I wanted real life I would watch the 200 pound pregnant 15 year old fall on her puss trying to serve me a cony-dog at sonic in icy weather.

Welcome to Social Distortion tuesday. Crabtree doesn't like Social D much because they can play decent guitars and sing and shit. He has no place for that...he likes the misfits. Me? I like Social Distortion just fine........ AhhhHHhHHhhH the story of my life. I am surprised no one in my high school wasn't really into Social D. I guess we just we all wrapped up in sucking stone gossards peter during that period. whats hot and whats not for this week.

whats hot? Tom Brady and the Pats
whats not? Blondes with Black roots and eyebrows.
Whats hot? The Boston RedSox GM
whats not? the Royals GM.
Whats hot? not spending money this christmas
Whats not? Re-gifting.

glad the chiefs showed up and played this past week. If an average group of americans worked like that their bosses would make them use a pto day.

12/13/10 What the?

So I walk out today to start up my car in this holy dick cold weather we are having. I saw what looked to be glass all over the seat and by my gas and break peddles. hmmm did the windshield bust because of the snow and ice? No. Did the window shatter. Umm no. what the hell is all this glass like so I sweep it off and I didn't really have a chance to see wha the crap this was and then I noticed it wasn't all over the place when car was warmed up. Well that was frozen Dr Pepper, I left a can of Diet Dr. pepper in my car in -200202020 degree weather and it assssploded.

Freaky Friday

Well it has been a nice week back at work. No real problems. It looks like I will be getting a small raise next year which is good. A funny thing happened this week. I was talking to my friend and he was talking about how "Gossiping" keeps you from Gods love I thought to myself, I never gossip or take part of anything because I don't have many friends that hang out day to day to yap about. Then the next day a perfect example came into my life of how I could gossip and make the situation about how awesome I am. Instead I worked hard to just keep my mouth shut and keep my side of the street clean. I have been sucking ass at standup lately, but that is ok. I will be doing that shit for life...unless I have a change of heart...I feel like I have been given a special talent for being batshit crazy. I am sick of the cold weather again. It almost ruined ireland if it wasn't for British tv! I haven't been out sarging on women lately, which is good because life is good and I don't need some dame messing it up but I like to dream every once in awhile about going out and really asking a bunch of girls out in hope of working the 1/10 rule swope employed. I spoke to a couple of my friends about the same deal the other day, they were terrified because they can barely get through the day, let alone having some chick messing up their plumbing at home, and I don't mean that in some sexual way, I mean chicks use alot of toilet paper. Sam better not read anymore of this...if she does sorry in advance




What the fuck are the Royals doing? Instead of having a solid atbat guy in left in Dejesus we trade him for some C+ type pitchers. Then we sign Guillen part II in Jeff Francour. Dayton moores ability to evaluate talent makes about as much sense as a pregnant lady trying to ride the orient express. I am going to try to not buy anymore royals shit until the young guys come up in 2013. I expect more of the same shit for 2011, I wanted billy butler to really hit the weights and not eat 3000 calories of Fudge crackers, but it looks like his fat ass loves fudge crackers.




Bowe and Charles have been in beastmode this year, I wish Charles would rip off 50 yd touchdowns, but he has been getting 7-8 yards a pop which is good as well. I am just glad the chiefs are worth a shit again, and instead of patching together a 10-6 vet team we got some young players that project to be pro bowl players. Eric Berry is supposed to be Ed Reed, Troy Poulamalu, and Charles Bronson all together. I think we lose a tight one this weekend to San Diego, but thats ok. Superbowl 2011.

Dollar general doesn't carry shamwows they carry a shammie called "Wow!" and a shammie called "Shamease" I don't think those are made in germany.

After spending along time in Atlanta's airport I want to roll up the SEC football conference in a burrito and punch that conference in the face. Everyone 5 seconds I had to hear about how awesome that conference is.

December 6th Saying goodbye to a friend

I about ran over my dog pepper in 1999 as she was walking across with other puppys st joe avenue. I picked her up and brought her home and luckily my parents let me keep her. She had a friend in a simease cat named Sheba. Pepper was put to sleep while I was in Ireland because she had alot of health problems. I hate to use the movie "old school" as a source of inspiration but there is a part where Vince Vaughn goes. "Blue was old, an damnit thats what old people do, they die" thats what happens to old dogs too. It is sad but a reality that people have shit to do so you can't sit around mope-ing too long. Ireland was bad ass. Today was tough getting back to work and such. IDK if I am doing comedy this week. I am pooped and haven't practiced.