Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was ok. I went to the boat on Sunday and asked out the hottest waitress there. She was confused but I kept my status as a non-pussy up. I probably gained a shit ton of pounds this weekend. That sucks. Back to the grind monday

Going back in revisiting 19

11/16/19 I was able to go to weight watchers. They introduced a new program with different colors. I was able to stay sober. 11/17/2019 I hit on a girl with sweatpants. She was hot. I was able to use the good vibes I got after talk to sweatpants girl to not gamble and to not spend money. This would eventually lead me to pay off my car early. That was fun and hard work 11/17/19 I tried to use my VR set as much as possible. I kept getting sick and eventually I sold it. I really tried to get my money's worth out of it. 11/18/19 I got a new video card a rx 980 I am still using it. I forgot all about the money I put into that first computer. The card still works so I am getting some value out of that.

11/10/20

I had an issue at work and now I am off two weeks. Everything is ok. I got my Monte Carlo Licensed insured and inspected.

why the fuck do I still have crushes at 40?

On Sunday one person brought up a memory of a girl that I have a crush on. The intense feelings came back and they were there today. I am addicted to feeling bad or at-least feeling "different" I know the universe put everyone in seperate situations for a reason. I would be miserable with this girl and we would break up soon after we got together because she ain't about cars video games and porn like I am. It is easy to have crushes when you never see what a heartless bitch people are or what a pain in the ass they are. All I see is my boring ass life and a hot ass girl on facebook. Anyway the thing that gave me some relief and I saw that with her I would be broke as fuck and that I should just trust the universe. It has my back.

10/25 Sporting KC and Chiefs wrap up

On saturday I was able to score free sporting kc tickets. My dad and I went down to watch sporting KC whoop Colorado's ass. Then sunday I got buffalo wild wings and hung out and watched the chiefs whoop that ass.

10/06/20

Yesterday we had to work 10 hours which no one was happy about. I took the attitude that I have a couple hours to donate to work for the company. I take the attitude of gratitude and treat situations as a challege and that makes me feel a bit better as it is a a better way of handling it than saying FUCK THIS. I am a good example of how to keep an attitude of gratitude and an attitude of taking on challenges instead of being a victim. Today I woke dissapointed I am not ripped but I know that the work is the reward.

10/05

Over the weekend my dad and I went to a car show on Sunday. It was a a beautiful day out and it worked out nicely that the chiefs did not play. On Saturday Paulido had a big game scoring 2 goals for sporting kc. Overall I am doing pretty good. Last week I was able to get a lot of shit done and I am sure this week will be the same. If you are not on drugs or drinking all day you are going to get shit done. I lost a couple pounds and was down to 219 when I weighed in at weight watchers but I was hungry as fuck all weekend. I ate a fuck ton of food but I don't think it was as bad as it could have been. Ususally I smashed like entire packages of oreo's. I had a tenderloin 11 bags of popcorn and some funyons. Funyons are suprisingly not many calories. I woke up on monday morning and I had a dream about molly which sucks I am trying to move past that, but I know God is giving me an easier life without bullshit girls and kids and all that. Another girl got married that totally shut my ass down and blocked me on IG and I didn't have any emotion for that other than holy shit I think only a few people like me and my family is most of them. Man I would just like some approval for certain girls just to even talk to me but they don't because they know I am an emotional black hole that falls in love with any girl that talk them so they move on. I was able to watch the sunday night game yesterday. It was close.

09/28/20

I have been having steady mood swings lately. Most of the time I wake up and I feel 7 or 8 out of 10 which is great for me. The Chiefs are looking awesome and sporting looks like shit but they are still like 2nd or 3rd in their division so anything is possible. I have been doing a good job not messaging girls that don't want to be with me and guys who don't do anything for me instead on focusing on family and friends that have a consistant relationship with me. That is supposed to give me self-esteem and I can't really feel that but at-least I don't feel bad.

Sporting KC last week and this year

Sporting kc this year has been ok. They have a problem with dominating the game but not winning. Last week Von Fossen and I went to the game. We wore masks. SKC won.

09/17

I fucked up at work today throwing 5 bags too many on 2 batches. I felt pretty decent about it. I think the prozac is helping my mood from bottoming out. I went to a pathologyst on tuesday which was ok. I was just covering my bases that my councilor wanted me to see a psycologist and a pathologist you get some more info on what I go through. Seems to be ok. I know it is going to cost about 2 grand jwhen it is over. That is ok though if it brings my mood up alittle bit

08/27

Today I went to the psychologist. I felt a bit better as of late but not as good as early in taking prozac. They are going to bump up my prozac by a bit and switch my ADHD meds. My counciler thinks that my ADHD is pretty bad and she wants us to focus on working with that so I have a better quality of life. I have been doing better by not letting my work get me down. I haven't thought of molly lately which is good. IDK why maybe I am moving on from some of the IDEA's of people that I fall in love with. I fet about 6/10 today.

07/28

Yeesterday I had a hard time getting out of bed and going to work. I just told myself that if I ever wanted Molly back in my life I would have to put in work physically workfully? spiritually. That is cheesy but whatever get's me through the day. I woke up this morning and I started beating myself up. I want to get down to 190 pounds and I didn't have a good day yesterday. Back on the horse. I told myself to be compashionate and loving to myself and not to beat myself up. If I don't beat myself up as much I will feel better and people will want to hang out more. I have to carry myself and think like a person that people want to be around if I want to attract people. So the big progress was to stop beating myself up. Then knowing that I have to feel good to have good people get attracted into my life.

06/09

Today was my second day of tracking with weight watchers. I did pretty good except I drank regular Gatorade on accident. Drinking your calories is stupid. I was able to listen to some weight watchers podcasts and they seemed to help with supporting my weight loss goals. Work was ok. Every day I become more comfy with doing shit at work. My blood pressure was high at the dentist the other day but it was ok when I was at the doctors office today. I am glad I went to the dentist and the doctor. They are both a pain in the ass but I want to live as long as possible so I can spend all the money I have on hookers and blow.

06/07

This weekend my dad and I tried to go boating. The boat sucked and didn't want to work. Sheree's friends flipped their boat and their car. So that wasn't good. I played some wreckfest when I got home and that is about it. I like going to a drive to KC and I went for a drive to KC on 06/06 and swung by Hollywood casino and argosy. Both of them didn't look much fun to play at because they took most of the machines out and they have lines where they check your tempature and balls for corona virus. This week I work 5 days but then I got a 3 day weekend. I will probably just play video games. I got 2 days off around July 4th so that will give me a summer break and I would like to go somewhere else other than here but I dunno if that will happen. This summer sucks without Sporting KC and the Royals because those were two destinations where I can see my friends. Work is going ok. Me thinking about girls I have crushes on don't hurt as much anymore. I am grateful for air conditioning.

05/28

This past week I was agitated because a girl that I was infatuated with is preggers and with another dude and that is unacceptable to me. EVERYONE SHOULD WORSHIP ME *sarcastic* I know that it is just my ego and my personality just getting butthurt. I did my best to acknowledge the pain and just trust the world is going to give me peace if I don't try to run everything. Today is Thursday and I am glad that I had a short week. Yesterday I felt 7 out of 10 today I feel 7 out of 10. Good enough to blog. It takes me 6 out of 10 to work and play video games. 5 out of 10 to go to work and bullshit around. anything 3-5 it is just work and sleep and 1 or 2 out of 10 is either a half day of work and sleep or no work and just bed all day.

05/26/20 memorial day weekend

Thanks to the people who died for this country I can sit around on my fat ass and play video games all weekend. One thing I learned is that yes sometimes ignoring things or people that bother you is the right move, but if someone or something is eating your brain you got to address it and acknowledge it and maybe try to come to a resolution. Thankfully I am not famous or I am not that important that I have haters. I don't have to deal with too many people going against me because no one gives a fuck what I think for the most part! This weekend I was lucky to be entertained by video games. I spent 2 grand on racing simulator shit so I spent as much time with the 3 computers I bought and then some on xbox and some on ps4. I was able to play some wreckfest with my buddy EA from work and that was probably the highlight of the weekend. I usually feel like shit during the weekends so I don't want to fuck with people especially work people. Especially work people that have to put up with me umm being spacey all the time at work. Anyway I feel blessed that I was entertained and pretty good all weekend. People in the Ozarks are getting DUI's and Corona virus and I am going to be at 3 am which is good for me.