Thursday

Getting ready for a 4 day weekend means more work this week. I am ready to play some video games and just kick it this weekend.

06/28/2016

Today was one of the rougher days I have had. From Feb to april i had consistent depression so it was easier to deal with because it was predictable. Todays episode came out strong from the morning. I called my sponsor Raymond. I went to the AA meeting. I felt a bit better then then I went to work and I was pretty down all night. I made it through. I would give my mood a 3/10. I wouldn't go lower than a 3 because I was able to function at work. Things are getting better though. Sundays and Mondays and sometimes parts of Saturday suck. I know each time I go through my episodes I get alittle bit better at coping with them.

New Friends and donating time

This week I did my part to donate time to AA. It is important to give back and be of service. I also put myself out there to hang out with a new friend. It is tough for a guy in his thirties to make new friends, but I know I have to put myself out there to network and have fun. So I did my part. yay.

Mood diary for wed

6/10 I felt aweful at work. It was hot and I couldn't execute or function well. Hopefully Thursday is better.

Tuesday

Monday I went out for a walk at the track. There was football practice already going on. All the kids were wearing sweet cleats. I went to work it was o.k. I would give my overall mood a 6/10. I was a bit depressed on Monday not for any reason. That is what happens with people with mood disorders I have learned. We can be depressed at a party and laughing at a funeral. Nothing makes sense mood-wize. Tuesday I got up and went to planet fitness. There were some girls I thought about talking to, but I passed on by because I had a sandwich waiting in my car. That is my one true love. Sandwiches.

Fathers Day Weekend

I went over to Matt's and watched UFC on Saturday. It was pretty fun. We also watched Copa America. Sunday I woke up and we went to Iron Horse bbq for fathers day. It was a pretty chill day. My overall mood was probably 7/10. Every once in awhile I get worried about keeping my job, but then I just try to let go and let God. I also try to do the next right thing. The right thing for this Sunday was to enjoy the Royals win, The Sporting KC win, The cavs win, and an amazing episode of Game of Thrones.

My day off

I had a day off planned for Thursday to go to the Royals game. It was a day full of awesome and wonder. Kind of like Game of Thrones exept without beheadings. The Royals lost and there were a ton of homeruns. It didn't get too hot because there was air conditioning right behind us. Overall mood for the day was 7-10. I was able to mow the grass as well.

Mood diary

Yesterday I felt 8 out of 10. I had a couple rough patches of neurotic thinking. At wor I brought my own staplele as stapler because I can't staple well and we have these batch sheets that need to be stapled quickly and I suck at it. The things I can control is work on my quality of work. Like Jim Rohm said you have to work on yourself harder than you work at your job. It was hot in the warehouse yesterday. I went to planet fitness today. Thus fulfilling my quota for the week.

06/15/2016

My mood today would be a 7 out of 10. It would be better but I was a bit squirlly most of the morning. I did go for a walk. I plan on hitting up planet fitness on Thursday. Reading about depression I can think of 3 things that usually trigger my depression. Loss of a job. Loss of a girlfriend or a girl I really like rejects me. Long periods of loneliness. I have hope that I don't fall back into deep depression, but if I do I know what to do. The lady I was seeing in Lawrence chuckled because I was pissed that everyone told me to "Get sunlight" when I was depressed. She was like people with depression been through it before they know all about it. It is life for them. They don't need advice they just need patience. That made sense to me because I have had periods of deep deperession 3 times in my life. Once my freshman year of college. Triggered by being alone all my friends left, no girlfriend, no job. It was a bad time. Somewhere around 08 I was in a deep depression then in 2010 but in 2010 I got through it pretty fast. Then in 15 and again in 16 with 16 being seemingly the most productive. Getting actual help being o.k. with how I am feeling and knowing that it will pass was pretty freeing and I can look back at the 16 depression as a positive. The other ones seem pretty worthless haha. Switching gears. I don't really feel proud or anything but it is worth noting that I talked to 50 people a day at call centers and made people laugh and provided a good experience when I worked there. The amount of people who came in contact with me is in the 10,000 and I can safely say that I used humor and empathy to my best of my ability to try to help people. For that I will give myself 10 dorito's.

Mood diary for Monday 4/10

I felt pretty weepy yesterday. Not totally sad or alone like some Mondays have been. I am going to try to keep a mood diary at the direction of one of my many books on depression. I was also grateful yesterday I had some relief from fear. Sometimes I get marred with fear of losing my job and being poor. It isn't logical but it is just what my body does. It is my body's way of making sure I have enough energy to get food or water. So I could go in deep on deep on the body and emotions because I have seen enough doctors and talked to enough people with depression and anxiety to know what is up. The bottom like is I felt 4 out of 10 yesterday.

06/14/2016

This weekend went by pretty well. Ever since I moved back to St. Joseph the weekends seem to be a bad time for me because I am lonely. Going to Matt's for UFC really helps. It also helps if I force myself to go to an AA meeting. There are also plenty of Depression websites I can chime in and give support or seek support from. All those are tools but sometimes I am just stubborn and I think magically some girls or guys should text me to do some awesome stuff on the weekends. So back to this weekend Saturday I watched Cortland and I vacuumed my car. I played some elder scrolls online, but not very much. I played some f1 2013 and forza 4. I have f1 2013 for xbox 360 and f1 2015 for ps4 so I switched between those two depending on if I want to race with the wheel or not. I know I am a dork. Sunday I went boating. Last time I went boating I was on a pretty strict diet so I felt crappy, this time I was not on a diet so I ate a big ass sandwich and dorito's and enjoyed the ride. It was somewhat nerve racking with everyone on board dog mom dad cortland and I, but I know it is days like that that I will remember when they are about to pull the plug on me. Work is a mixed bag. Sometimes it goes well sometime it doesn't. It is better than dealing with adjusters at my insurance job, and it is better than a call center. It isn't as cool as being a trainer. It sucked getting fired from that trainer position, but I know time heals all wounds. The Pittsburgh Penguins won the stanley cup which was cool. Nice to see a couple of championships in my lifetime.

06/03/2016

This week I have been able to work 10 hours. I haven't been able to work 8 because of various issues I have been having. So that felt good. It also feels good to listen to the band Phoenix. They are awesome.

Here are some things I am grateful for. Nachos, Hamburgers, Tacos, Casey's Pizza, Diet Mountain Dew, all the various casinos in the mid-west. Royals, Sporting KC, Chiefs, Mo-West, and charles barkley.

03/31/2016

Depression has let up for a day. When I feel decent I try to do the things that kind of suck. Pay bills, vacuum my car, and I went out to planet fitness. I am working 10 hour days this week which isn't great, but $$$ is nice.