Le Negra De Mamba

Ole Kobe has been struggling lately. Where is his legs...is he done? The lake show needs to go through Gosal for the time being. Take some weeks off Mamba!

Kingpin vs Dumb and Dumber

2 heavyweight comedy movies. I recently posted a poll at chiefsplanet and not surprising that Dumb and Dumber was picked over kingpin. 22 votes for Dumb and Dumber 19 for KingPin. They are both classic...Jim Carrey....Legend....Bill Murry is Epic....two fight scenes with 90's athletes. Seabass was played by Cam Neeley at hockey player...skidmark was played by Roger Clemmons.

Big gulps huh.....................................well, see ya later!

She said handsome, not handless.

New Years. always overated.

Man I remember for a good 12 year span people asking me 10 weeks in advance what I was doing for New Years. The answer was always the same, getting drunk and waiting for "MY TIME TO SHINE" the truth is you chance to shine is waiting for you whenever you wake up and give your gifts to the world. Instead of awe shit 8 hours of bullshit at work today. You should pray to God. Dear God...let me give my gifts of funny and random pop culture to the world with awesomeness and smileyness. That would be funny if on new years they had Katie Holmes and Dick clark both on tv at the same time. That way together they could have one working face.

D-bowe is a beast and society is in danger.

Ok first of all. Congrats to D-bowe to making the pro-bowl. He worked his ass off and his ability to play into a team concept is helping his dreams come true. It reminds me of myself. If I go out and try to be a Dane Cook look at me type of comedian or a selfis blogger. I feel like shit and don't get anything done. If I wake up and I try to move society forward I feel great.

So I have been still playing with internet dating game trying to really find that sweet spot between nice guy and total asshole and I realize that hot girls really take shit way to seriously. Yeah yeah it is common knowledge that you are supposed to turn up the jerk for the hot girls. I emailed a couple girls with these lines.

"you are so brown that I had to turn up the brightness on my screen to see you" Girl number 1

"Chinease people are taking our jobs. America Fuck yeah!"

the gils got all bent out of shape and wrote me long emails about how one is native american and the other is chinese. So I guess where I am at right now is well you hav to be a jerk to even get a reply, but you have to reel them after you get them fired up. I honestly don't want a girl like that, I just want to calibrate my online game. I will probably appoligize to these girls because I don't mean to be an asshole. I just want a girl that doesn't take shit so seriously. How cool would it be like

HEY CHINEASE PEOPLE TAKING ARE JOBS! and the girl replies
HAHA AMERICANS GET A JOB LOSER!

People take shit too seriously.

Been playing Internet dating sites like video games

Careful.....the sites are addicting. I forget that these people are actual troubled woman that can't find a man...so they are looking to cling on to someone....Anyway for some reason I find cussing right off the bat gets responses. I mean girls don't know what they want anyway, but you really have to surprise them with your open intro like this.

" I read your profile, but it is boring, you need to use fucking and piss and words like that in your profile"

I get a response which is more than

Hi...I am raphael.... I will give you all my money

Cheap is fun

I like coming into a coffee house late so a girl pays for her own coffee then to ask her "Why didn't you buy me a coffee that is rude!"

Willow the movie

Thank you for my Zune and Crabtree for being a nerd. I figure I would put on my wizzard hat and scarffff and watch Willow.
Here is the post I had on chiefsplanet.com

just finished up watching the hit movie "Willow" from the 80's. What a strange time for midgets.... I mean this was before the politcal correctness of the 90's and before MINI ME made Midgets loveable and cute. So in the movie it just looks like a bunch of Midgets running around smelling like sausage for 2 hours. Iceman from Top Gun is in it, but he doesn't bite really hard at top cruise in this, which sucks, you figure every movie Iceman is in he would Bite really hard at someone. there is a 2 headed Dragon that eats a bunch of extras in the movies, but the movie overall is boring. There are a bunch of dudes that look like ZZ TOP dressed in robs, but the eliminator Ford Coupe Hot rod is no where to be found.

I STOLE DA BABY

Well thanks for the input I thought it was boring. I wish the midgets would have atleast operated the tilt-a-whirl or something.

No one exploits George Lucas Like midgets....wait do I have that backwards?

JoeNation

ohhhhh I love this term because St. Joseph really has small towns around it, it really makes sense calling all the places that kq2 covers called JoeNation. It can also be used in this way

Having a local commercial come on 10 times louder than the commercial before is very JoeNation. Especially commercials selling you a used car or furnature (to people)

Wierdness Dating and stuff

Hmmmmm Just heard on a dating podcast that it is a good idea to wait 3 months to throw a bone in a girl (this is me paraphrasing) this is because you don't know if a girl is psycho until the cloud of OMG a girl Likes me! phase is gone. I ummmm don't really want to subject, but it was interesting enough to post. So you might want to wait 3 months to F some girl in the V so you have a clear head.

A bad boy reformed to being good,

demonpenz

Dismiss this Wanker ANDY

The elder statesman Brendon told me that when it was really silent at the U.S. Open. Scotland-er Andy Murray was getting ready to serve. It was quiet as quiet could be.... Andy Murry throws the ball up for what can only be described as the 10th best serve on the tennis tour. The ball is spinning around quietly. The quiet people are being quiet. Right when Andy Murry was going to strike the tennis ball with all his awesome glory a dude in the crowd goes.

DISSMISS THIS WANKER ANDY!

staying on task day 2

We are busy as all get out at work, I seemed to be on task more today than yesterday thanks to God, Jesus, and the people praying for me. I love modest mouse, they are like the killers...if the killers were on hard drugs 24 hours a day... and if the killers didn't have to produce radio playable songs.

as Reaper16 says...Kings Of Leon is the redneck coldplay and Arcade fire is Emo Slipknot

Staying on Task

Today was a tough day staying on task. Doing shit I don't like to do for 8+ hours is a bore. I know steps 1,6,7 in the big book of Annonymous will help but it didn't much today. ugh. Some stuff pisses me off and a problem shared with a friend is a problem cut in two, lets just say people frustrate me! Royals traded Grienke. We got some good players in return and they will be studs, yeah right, we all know they will suck shit but I have accepted the fact that as a baseball fan I will watch their shit sucking every year. This years Christmas is should be fun. I plan on going home and sitting on the couch and closing my eyes and enjoying some time away from the grind. (the grind staring eric niesssss was a sweet show). I love Silversun Pickups...I love the song Lazy Eye. I listen to that song every year when it gets cold. I will be honest though, I thought it was a chick singer for (I am going to sing this net part) ALLLLLL MY LIFE.
I sang the ALLLL MY LIFE like to the song Lazy eye...errrr nevermind.

DISMISS THIS WANKER ANDY!

the lady at the bank in detail (she was crazy remix)

The lady waiting in line infront of me at the bank smelled like cat piss and looked like she was wearing the cloth cut off a couch from the 70's. Her hair looked like a tumbleweed dipped in shit.

12/20/10 (part 1)

Ugh...today is a struggle. Friday was a grind. Actually every day ever is a struggle to grind it out. Anywya on Friday I got off work and I had some energy, Instead of doing something foolish like go to the Oak Park mall I decided to go down to see Bryce in springfield. I actually hoped to see his older brother as well because his brother does a perfect impression of the a soprano extra.

FUCKIN FOR-GET-ABOUT-IT!




Bryce and I just went to sleep on friday because we were tired. Saturday we went out and went shopping. Springfield is a a 7 on the white trash scale. I guess the north side is like the southside of ST. Joe circa 1994. I went to the bank and this lady talked for an hour about her problems in front of me, everyone sighed and were getting pissed but everyone was nice until the lady who had some mental problems left. The first thing I said to make sure everyone was abe to turn the situation into a fun one was like. SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL THAT LADY TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. I HAVE SHIT TO BUY PEOPLE TO MAKE THEM LOVE ME. IT'S CHRISTMAS. Dropping a well placed F word is fun to do to release tension. This one lady behind me was telling me how "true it was" she actually told me "it's true" twice. The lady behind the counter obviously wanted me something hard because she gave out this vibe "oh...you're trouble....When a girl says you're trouble like that it means they want you- Fact. Anyway I had no time to flirt with Bankgirl so she gave me my money for the 10 dollar check and I went shopping.

Talking about V's blog

V-Foundation's latest blogs talk about the tendancy to jump into relationships during Christmas time. I think it is because they are trying to fill a Jesus sized hole in the sole. The only way to fill that Jesus hole is to work on your faith, clean house or help others. J.C. Penny is probably satan. They know you will buy shit you don't need if your Jesus spot isn't filled in. That is why I have 40 pairs of chinese Roller blades in my apartment. I def tried to fill my faith with Nachos and Hooch (and by hooch I mean hee haw) and by hee haw I mean whiskey and Mountain dew. So work on your faith or study jesus or help others. Like me I do this blog for the people! your welcome!

I once heard "never give up the good life to chase the great life" I don't know what that means, that actually seems kind of like shitty. Like why watch K-9 cop on TBS when Turner and Hooch has a special Edition DVD out? Anyway the deal is alot of stuff is fun to run through your head than to actually do. Like having a trophy wife is awesome, but when if Kansas City gets a important golf tournament? Then I will have to Tiger Woods Proof my house. Or having a sports car....yeah I want to drive a Miata around in the snow...Or going to Arizona...yeah the weather is nice, but falling on a cactus would pain in the ass. Litterally. So for now I will enjoy what I have and not try to chase some dream, than when I got it, I would be like now what do I do?

The question on V's Blog was that girls are either 1 Sane 2 Single 3 or hot and you can only choose 3. That sounds like some shit you would see on a T-shirt at a flea market in Osage Beach Missouri. You can find girls with all three, you just won't find them at the power and light. You have to really find these girls outside of Colleges...upper level courses. That is where I would hunt for them. I actually can think of a girl right now that is Hot-Sane-Single the deal is Getting married or dating someone isn't her "superbowl" I am sure Vinnie will hit the "being single" 7 ways for sunday, but he blasted out out of the park with his take People get some kind of sadness seeing single people. Like awwww look at the wittle girl....her uterous is like a barren wasteland of waste. Well maybe that chick or guy wants to do something awesome like ride a rocket to the moon! Or drink a case of grape shasta and inflate a basketball.

I don't know what to bring to interviews

I recieved an email from a close and personal friend today asking me if I want to be in advertising. Now I don't know what kind of job I would get but I expect with me being A:) White B:) Awesome C:) Fucking awesome I would be applying for job that would give me full access to previously unrealeased scenes from Airwolf season 2 (Jan Michael Vincent at his best!

Anyway so I like to run scenerios on my operating system in my mind. I can just imagine myself going into a 5 dollar an hour job for an add agency and pitching a Knight Rider Baywatch mashup...all we need is some Just for Men hair coloring for Hasseloffs Grey hair...and his grey hair on his chest.


Vin Diesel is so awesome I guess they had to shut down half the theatres in the new fast and the furious because people were throwing up at the sight of his glorious pythons. As a creator of awesome I prepose we morph vin diesel's glorious arms with Paul Walkers boyish good looks. But as Byrd points out

"That shit would be illegal in 3 states!"

Kansas New hampshire and Atchison.. BANNED!


Paul Walker always gets props for his boyish good looks even though he was roughly 39 in varsity blues and now is 57 years old

Scarette Johannsen

I had a dude tell me "the things I would do with Scarlette Johanssen and it involved alot of sex...here are the things I would do.

the things I would do to Scarlette Johanssen

1.) Invite her to see the Fast Five but give her the wrong times so I could see it alone
2.) give her 1 of my 8 ski balls at Red Baron in the St Joe mall, then cuss her out when she only gets a 30.
3.) Make her some fish sticks but when she goes to eat one knock them out of her hand and tell her "these things are bad for you!"
4 As she is walking up the steps poke her in the ass with a Diet Pepsi bottle and tell her "these things have a mind of their own!"
5 As her who her Heisman Trophy vote went to this year, then explain to her that she doesn't know shit about football

Hollywood is giving Demonpenz what he wants

I am so excited about "The Fast five" I can hardly contain my action-boner. If you were to give me a hundred trillion dollars to make a movie it would have explosions, acdc fueled soundtrack, The Rock, Vin Desiel, a bunch of cars a bunch of cars exploding, a bunch of people exploding, exploding things exploding. It would be 4 hours of explosion porn. Ludicrus is in there as well, pretty much the 5th favorite rapper among white people behind Will Smith, Nelly, TI, Eminem. I love Fast and the Furious. It's quote-able, it's dumb, it isn't anything like real life. Like do you ever see Vin Desiel protien or work out? Biology says he has to take in 3000 calories of protein and work his arms out to maintain those glorious pythons, yet you never see him take a break from being awesome to work out. Why? Because it is a movie and it isn't supposed to be real life. If I wanted real life I would watch the 200 pound pregnant 15 year old fall on her puss trying to serve me a cony-dog at sonic in icy weather.

Welcome to Social Distortion tuesday. Crabtree doesn't like Social D much because they can play decent guitars and sing and shit. He has no place for that...he likes the misfits. Me? I like Social Distortion just fine........ AhhhHHhHHhhH the story of my life. I am surprised no one in my high school wasn't really into Social D. I guess we just we all wrapped up in sucking stone gossards peter during that period. whats hot and whats not for this week.

whats hot? Tom Brady and the Pats
whats not? Blondes with Black roots and eyebrows.
Whats hot? The Boston RedSox GM
whats not? the Royals GM.
Whats hot? not spending money this christmas
Whats not? Re-gifting.

glad the chiefs showed up and played this past week. If an average group of americans worked like that their bosses would make them use a pto day.

12/13/10 What the?

So I walk out today to start up my car in this holy dick cold weather we are having. I saw what looked to be glass all over the seat and by my gas and break peddles. hmmm did the windshield bust because of the snow and ice? No. Did the window shatter. Umm no. what the hell is all this glass like so I sweep it off and I didn't really have a chance to see wha the crap this was and then I noticed it wasn't all over the place when car was warmed up. Well that was frozen Dr Pepper, I left a can of Diet Dr. pepper in my car in -200202020 degree weather and it assssploded.

Freaky Friday

Well it has been a nice week back at work. No real problems. It looks like I will be getting a small raise next year which is good. A funny thing happened this week. I was talking to my friend and he was talking about how "Gossiping" keeps you from Gods love I thought to myself, I never gossip or take part of anything because I don't have many friends that hang out day to day to yap about. Then the next day a perfect example came into my life of how I could gossip and make the situation about how awesome I am. Instead I worked hard to just keep my mouth shut and keep my side of the street clean. I have been sucking ass at standup lately, but that is ok. I will be doing that shit for life...unless I have a change of heart...I feel like I have been given a special talent for being batshit crazy. I am sick of the cold weather again. It almost ruined ireland if it wasn't for British tv! I haven't been out sarging on women lately, which is good because life is good and I don't need some dame messing it up but I like to dream every once in awhile about going out and really asking a bunch of girls out in hope of working the 1/10 rule swope employed. I spoke to a couple of my friends about the same deal the other day, they were terrified because they can barely get through the day, let alone having some chick messing up their plumbing at home, and I don't mean that in some sexual way, I mean chicks use alot of toilet paper. Sam better not read anymore of this...if she does sorry in advance




What the fuck are the Royals doing? Instead of having a solid atbat guy in left in Dejesus we trade him for some C+ type pitchers. Then we sign Guillen part II in Jeff Francour. Dayton moores ability to evaluate talent makes about as much sense as a pregnant lady trying to ride the orient express. I am going to try to not buy anymore royals shit until the young guys come up in 2013. I expect more of the same shit for 2011, I wanted billy butler to really hit the weights and not eat 3000 calories of Fudge crackers, but it looks like his fat ass loves fudge crackers.




Bowe and Charles have been in beastmode this year, I wish Charles would rip off 50 yd touchdowns, but he has been getting 7-8 yards a pop which is good as well. I am just glad the chiefs are worth a shit again, and instead of patching together a 10-6 vet team we got some young players that project to be pro bowl players. Eric Berry is supposed to be Ed Reed, Troy Poulamalu, and Charles Bronson all together. I think we lose a tight one this weekend to San Diego, but thats ok. Superbowl 2011.

Dollar general doesn't carry shamwows they carry a shammie called "Wow!" and a shammie called "Shamease" I don't think those are made in germany.

After spending along time in Atlanta's airport I want to roll up the SEC football conference in a burrito and punch that conference in the face. Everyone 5 seconds I had to hear about how awesome that conference is.

December 6th Saying goodbye to a friend

I about ran over my dog pepper in 1999 as she was walking across with other puppys st joe avenue. I picked her up and brought her home and luckily my parents let me keep her. She had a friend in a simease cat named Sheba. Pepper was put to sleep while I was in Ireland because she had alot of health problems. I hate to use the movie "old school" as a source of inspiration but there is a part where Vince Vaughn goes. "Blue was old, an damnit thats what old people do, they die" thats what happens to old dogs too. It is sad but a reality that people have shit to do so you can't sit around mope-ing too long. Ireland was bad ass. Today was tough getting back to work and such. IDK if I am doing comedy this week. I am pooped and haven't practiced.

Hen Party

I always called the cock block, or the bitch shield of a group of girls or a gaggle of girls "Mother hen" well they call Bachlorette parties Hen Parties. YOU LIKE THE HEN PARTIES WITH ALL THE NOISE. Why yes I do. Thats why when you are married you are a hen and not married a chick. Hense us americans call them CHICKS

Ireland pt2

Today started out with Crabtree driving like the people in "the italian job" he was working the wheel like 4 time winston cup champion Jeff Gordon. We saw some meth head chicks over here and my thought process went like this

Whow those girls look like they are on drugs they are so skinny, I bet they will SMD for 5 dollars, but I would rather see them eating a bananna.

The Cab Driver was like thats the hotel U2 owns and I then asked what hotel Thin Lizzy owns. He said no no Thin Lizzy has been gone along time.

Comedy Wrapup

I decided to give my gift back to the world, which is the gift of laughter. Exept most people don't wish to accept my gift. I open mic'd at the vous in St. Joseph. that was fun because St. Joseph Jokes are in my DNA. Trading 6-pack and a pound for blockbuster "old" rentals. Joking about that stuff is awesome. I am def getting used to the grind and the routine (pun intended) of doing comedy. The first months the day I was planning on getting in front of people I felt sick all day, now I just feel semi sick. Ok then I went out to Mingle in Lee Summit and did comedy. That was fun. A dude named Del Iliff really grinds to make shows happen. He is getting really good at comedy. Tuesday I did open mic at Standfords and I got crushed, haha that is apart of the deal is sometimes people aren't going to think you are funny. I have to give it up for Mike Porkenoy. Hard working comedy guy. This one dude Brennan? I dunno this one dude crushed. It's hard to believe this but sometimes when you don't want to get on the Mic because you are tired or whateve, well when you have a gift like that dude has, it's not about you. It's about sharing your gift. Which most the times Sharing a gift is giving herpies, or my gift to ho's is slappin them.

Aug 11th

So I attended an event called the 11th annual Softball chili cookoff, but it should have been called the 1st annual Lesbian Fartoff. I was wearning my IPOD ear buds, not with anything playing because I don't actually own a IPOD, I can't afford that shit, just the earbuds, just enough so I can ignore people. Anyway I leaned over to get some chili and one of my earbuds fell into the chili. Now I don't know how much crap fro my ear fell into the chili, but I know exactly how much chili went back into my ear when I put the earbuds back in.

History of my Video games

Ahhhh my love for video games goes back along way. My earliest memories with the ole golden joystick (like a video game joystick not my penis) is using a phone looking device playing the smurfs video game. Little known fact is that Smurfs was a french comic book. How do you get baby smurfs? Well you pull them out of smurfette of course. Some crazy things going down in smurfville or whereever the smurfs are from. I love Mad Men, John Hamm is one funny dude. I am listening to a podcast called "the nerdist" funny stuff. I think my dog is about ready to die, which sucks, but that is what dogs and old people do. Dang it...blue was old...and that's what happens to old people do. That is a famous quote from the hit movie OLD SCHOOL. Ok back to video games. My first video game system was a coleco vision, which came with an attachment to play atari 2600 games on. That is CARAZZZY by todays standards. It is the equivilant of your gamecube being able to play playstation 2 games. I don't know why I didn't use playstation 3 and xbox 360 for that last comparison, probably because I have an unhealthy love affair with gamecubes.

Once Driller Always a Driller...hector

This quote cracks me up for some reason. Today I woke up feeling good. I have had long days of work and meeting up with the people reading the bible and the AA book. I also had to write out the stuff I am scared of. So here is some of the random shit that triggers my fears

When people are reading a book out loud in a class or a meeting and they need me to read. I am afraid I won't know my place and I will have to ask someone and everyone will think I am some kind of moron.

Scared of Heights
Girls named sarah that don't put the H at the end is scary.
Scared of working in a cubicle the rest of my life
scared of propellers of any kind.
Scared of dropping babies or puppies (cats seem to do fine when I drop them)
Ray Lewis of the baltimore ravens scares me.
Scared of falling off the escilator on Kauffman staduim. This escalator is 30 stories up and it always has drunk people falling into me. It's always windy. and it's a fucking escalator! Thats more than enough for me to be scared.
Strangly enough I used to be scared of death, but now I know that it mostly out of my hands...which brings me to this. I had a dream about Long John silvers yesterday. Man I want a hushpuppy.

I hope you know this will go down on your perm record

Violent Femmes on the cd player today. Ummm I really think they suck, but I listen to them anyway because it's easy to sing along. Crabtree is going to 30 seconds to mars. Which Jared Leto is the lead singer. Jared Leto was so dreamy in "my so called life" Sooo Dreamy. I have been writing punch lines without a story to go with them. So here is one

The fact that she was humming on my balls like a World War I Bi-Plane wasn't disburbing, but the fact that she was wearing a scarf and goggles like the red baron was.

The commercial on the radio for 7 up with David Spade in it is mildly Entertaining. Listened to the beastie boys today. They are old as hell. Someone is eating BBQ around me.

More will be told

There was this lady who I met back in april, I thought she blabbed way too much. Over the last couple weeks of trying to serve instead of being served more has been told to me. It has been pretty fun, instead of listening to this lady and blab I have learned and been entertained. The gist of it is she has had a pretty wild life and like most people she has been through more than I will ever understand. I can't believe how people go through so much on one side of their life, but still are able to aquire lots of power, then loose it, then gain it back. The moral is put yourself in someone elses shoes if for nothing else it helps you get out of yours for awhile.
I know how in depth after doing inventory of the problems I have, that the smallest things do hurt people. I try to keep my side of the street and not call people short or shit like that, because I know it stays with people sometimes forever. Is it big deal? No, but it keeps myself from being free. I know even when a bully pulls off my pants at a christmas party, I later or before that I did something to get back at him. Like make jokes that he wouldn't understand.

I can have everyone like me exept for one person, and I must make that person like me. I am working on making that better by putting a higher power #1 instead of that person. Most the time it is a chick, but it can be anyone.

Investing time in Music

awe yeah...I up and did it. The Mars Volta Amputechture is on my play list today. I am not going to lie, some of the section losely sound like a cat being gutted and a 3 year old playing a saxaboom.

Today on Lost 09/22/10

They really need to change the lane to "Ok We know where we are at sort of" after the first season. They really know their way around the island, so they aren't exactly Lost. Wait the fat kid is now talking in Korean. They are punishing him by making him listen to steely dan.

There aren't any good chain gangs

I have never been to prison, but I imagined if I was sending a letter to my mom from prison it would go something like this.
There ain't no good in an evil hearted woman, and you can't go passing bad checks in atchison, don't tie a trout line in a pond in avenue city, and they're ain't no good chain gangs.

Wow It is crazy

Thanks to my sponser I am working hard on some area's. When you feel like shit, you drink. Pretty simple, there was alot of shit I let go without dealing with, and it turns out all those little things are what kicked my ass. It could be as simple as someone not using your idea, or not using your joke, not using whatever it is you suggested. I thought I solved this problem when I learned how to force myself to Sarge, but it turns out that I only solved the problem of giving a hoot what hot girls think. (I don't know why I used hoot, maybe it is that new movie with owls) the level of my resentment runs deep. I still find myself obsessing over what some people think or just about some people in general. I guess thats the what I do. I obsess about Alcohol, obsess, about girls, obsess over crazy shit. There is hope though, I turn my actions and thoughts over to what is right, or as AA puts it. Turns my will thoughts my life over to God. I know God wouldn't want me to waste time and energy over people who don't get two hoots about me. So I take that action to pray, medidate or do pushups. This has taken months of work but I find myself getting back into the actions. I know one way to not give a crap hen you are in a club is to ask your buddy "what animal noise can I make" then you make the noise your buddy says. That way you get out of your state and into a state that you are focusing on having a good time. So I like to make loud moose noises. "Imma moose and I don't care!"

I want to punch someone...probably you.

Well I have been working with a sponser to quit wanting drink to deal with my problems. I will be honest. The first couple weeks suck. Atleast in college there is some kind of outlet to the amount of suckiness, but this sucks trying to go to work, then getting off work then talking why you are so pissed off and trying to solve it. I am working on my ego right now, humbling myself, wow I feel better just writing some of this out! I have to give it up to the people who work recovery programs it is alot of work! Some of my goals include, handling the fact that I still give a shit what certain people think, I want to enjoy doing the stuff I used to love, but without booze. IDK I know if I work it will be ok, if I don't it won't be ok. It's amazing the amount of anger I can carry around, I could seriously break this keyboard over a squirels face outside right now. It's this kind of anger that is driving me to get help, because people shouldn't feel this way.

Sarging

No sarging report lately, for those of you who don't know. To sarge is to talk to every girl and try make them your girlfriend. You have to do this for every girl employing the 3 second rule. The 3 second rule is, you see a girl you sarge... pretty simple. I have songs to help fellow Kansas City Sargers. Seak and Sarge. Hide and go sarge. Sarge in charge. Anyway it is always just fun to have someone to sarge with, but I am like a falcon. Sarging alone.... I was getting pretty good at sarging awhile back, but it got old after 2 or 3 months. I hope to spend a couple hours getting back into the sarge scene one of these days before I am the old guy at dollar general hitting on the cashier.

Snack Cake addiction 09/09/10

Step 1 realizing that you are powerless over Snack Cakes including swiss rolls and Zebracakes.

I always new I had a snack cake problem, but I never knew the extent until last week I had two snack cakes when everyone had one, then we went to a party, and I had to bring extra snack cakes, because I was worried that there wasn't going to be enough snack cakes. My story starts out like everyone else, of course we would sneak some of our dads snack cakes outside his lounge, it was fun at first, but after college, just binging on snack cakes isn't funny anymore. Today I admit I am powerless over snack cakes and I am a funyon user.

Bryce: One of the LFO members died
Ray: He is in a funkier place
Bryce: true

Ray: I had the craziest Sex dream yesterday
Crabtree: I hope I wasn't in it
Ray: You had the french tickler
Crabtree: sounds about right.

Serve that shit up America!

This weekend was filled with Joy, excitement, and a Mizzou win. I went to over to RJ's where everyone was having fun and playing golden T! GOOD TIMES GREAT OLDIES 101.1 the fox! I am sure that Vinnie picked tried to pick Rik Smits at some point. I went out for Matts birthday to a place in weston. The Irish band said "Waitresses will bring you what you want if you ask" I replied

Bring me vagina, come on AMERICA SERVE THAT SHIT UP!

Lost Update season 1 episode 13 cliche #2

Ok the asian that suddenly speaks english was the first cliche, I just witnessed the second cliche. Somebodys heart stopped and a doctor was pounding on the newly dead person saying a bunch of shit until a nurse or another doctor or someone else (Possibly someone from atchison) grabs them and stops them. I never understood this, keep beating the newly dead persons heart until you are content. In a TV show though it's like you only get 2 minutes to pump a persons heart when they are in cardiac arrest, that is followed by random pounding, that is followed by screaming "Come back" then someone else grabs the person and preclaims "it's over!" like a boxing match where one person (possibly rob calloway) is getting pounded. If I was in that room I would be like "Punch that heart as much as you want! I always wanted to kick the shit out of that motherfucker anyway, here is your chance!"

Go local team and community college

So football opened up yesterday. Missouri Western won their game, which is good! Yes, a couple years ago I stopped really caring who wins or losing and just enjoyed the fact I wasn't working, or paying 400 dollars for repairing some shit on my car, or paying for education I don't work. That would be sweet if I ran a college, I would just drop you off on messanie street and make you earn a living and a apartment any way you can. Nothing gets you fired up more than eating at a soup kitchen (it's breadstick friday!) I am aware after extended studying of Neuro Lingistic programming that life has it's ups or downs and you might have good shit going on around you, but your brain is going to be in a depressed state, so just hang in there because things around you might go to shit. So if you feel bad just hang in there like those cat posters, because your brain will turn inself around eventually. Or you could just put quarters in peoples parking meters so they don't get a ticket. You know people are idiots right? Well I will give you one example of how I do something that doesn't even make sense, I always wash my hands and get worried about germs and shit, but I don't think twice about putting diet mountain dew top of the can all up in my mouth, or 2 liter bottle, I suck on 2 liter bottles and god knows what kind of shit they have been rolling around in. My only hope is that since diet mountain dew is neon green that it is so toxic that it kills germs before it gets in my body and saturates my organs in awesome! I drank mountain dew so much one time I actually BMX'D on a skateboard over Price Chopper.

true story

Today On Lost 09/01/10

Today on Lost episode 9 Season 1. They are still lost! The fat guy is still really fat! I am waiting for that Fat dude to start losing some weight! I predict they will get found by a rescue squad by episode 11 or so. Moose Tacos looks really good for the Royals. I really hate the Royals. They are the worst franchise in the world, maybe even west of atchison, but I can't stop watching them. Anyway this dude Moose Tacos hit eleventy billion homeruns (wait a second, I am watching lost...oh I thought maybe they were rescued, but it was just a corona commercial) Anyway Moose Tacos is going to be the Royals Pujols, WRITE IT DOWN ON THE CHALKBOARD OF GREEN!!! VINNIE. Moose Tacos sounds like some kind of girlfriend I would have in 2006 after a week long bender at Jerry's bait shop. Speaking of fat people I shouldn't be having sex with, the fat guy from Lost...the only position he could play in baseball would be First base, no way he would have the range to play any other positions, and his knees couldn't play catcher, especially if he played on Field Turf.

Update. The fat guy just made a golf Course for the Islanders (not the new york sub .500 hockey team, but the people in the show lost) Anyway he thinks this will help them not be stressed out. That fat guy doesn't know shit about Golf! It is stressful!

Bryce just txting me that the writers have a lack of vision for Lost, because they haven't been found yet.

Noelle Just txted me and said she has a hunch they will be lost for awhile, she is wrong they will be found by episode 13. YOU CAN PUT THAT ON THE BOARD OF GREEN VINNIE!

Damnit now this Asian chick on lost conviently speaks english after 3 episodes. I hate that shit, they do this all the times in show, some dude doesn't speak english then after 5 episodes they magically know english and it is like OH YOU KNEW ENGLISH ALL ALONG HAR HAR HAR. The Manager from the hit baseball movie "Mr. Baseball" did ths as well. The Manager didn't know english or what Tom Selleck and his mustache were talking about, but in the middle of the Dragons Pennant chase, he suddenly knows english.

(Saints wrapup 08/26/10) Birds wrapped in bacon

To be a true pimp or leader, you have to do things out of the social norm. So I went out yesterday to Saints. There was this dude who looked like a cross between ZZ TOP and a truck driver. He was just a truck driver. Everyone was looking at him because he looked like he belonged at Hammerheads bar in st joe, not trendy Saints. I knew the dude was a good ole boy and I sat at his table chatted. You could tell that people were now like, oh this dude is friends with him he must not be a crazy ass truck driver. So I kept being my self, just saying crazy shit to people. "Hey nice skirt! What is that called?" (There is a skirt called a jersey skirt, which looks like a girl is wearing a trashbag) Anyway the way to Maximize my value was to be with a dude who obviously didn't belong. His name was Jim and from what I learned about him, he liked to blast birds out of the sky, then give thanks to the lord for letting the birds get blasted, then he liked to wrap the birds in bacon and eat the birds. Now I don't care if you wear a popped collar and affliction shirts, or you a trendy hipster, you are going to love a bird wrapped in bacon, it is a scientific fact that birds wrapped in bacon = awesome. That is actually a good name for a band.
Birds wrapped in bacon

Changing State (moose sounds)

Your feeling on, the world is your funyon, shit is going well, then it goes to hell in a handbasket. Or you just feel like trash, out of place, nothing feels right. Here is the deal...you probably are just trying something new, or you are out of state. Now the masters of inner game (Anthony Robbins and Raphael Demonpenz Miller) all agree. You have to change your stage. To quickly do this, cuss real loud, clap, or do something crazy. You might look like an idiot to other people, but other people have nothing to do with your goals for life. When I am feeling out of state I ususally put Moose Horns on my head and make a Loud moose mating call to get me out of my head. It gives me a good chuckle (no one is funnier to me..than me) it gets me to stop caring what other people think. My number goal is to be the biggest pimp of all time, and I am not talking about making out with a bunch of chicks...Ok it does involve making out with a bunch of chicks. I want rappers to pour bags of funyons on strippers, and wear chains made of the awesome snack Bugles. That is when you know I have made it to #1 pimp status

Ray's self titled cd

If I made a album it would probably be a rock/emo. type of album.... So I give you the sneak peak of the upcoming songs to "The Rocktapus is born"

1. The Pregnant game is a game of inches
2. The love tap (move your face dance remix)
3. Santa doesn't come to your house if you have 238 in your number
4. Can't pay the rent and I blame Street Fighter 2
5. Sexually pleasing the olsen twins (you got it dude!)
6. Latino's don't steal (much) ft. Santana
7. Going broke saving money.
8. Making more money now than when I was workin
9. Farmers love dem ho's...but I don't
10. Asking permission is harder than than appolgizing
but my Love is harder than both of those and by Love
I mean my penis (The extended version.

Bonus track Humpty dance w/vinnie

The Virus Of saying "sorry"

There is a virus spreading..... queue scary music. It isn't some sweet ass kicking virus that eats your solar Plexes or something awesome like that either. It also isn't a sweet movie involving Jamie lee Curtis (All three of that broads names are MALE names) ((AND I WOULD STILL THROW A BONE IN HER!) Ok this all startd when I went to subway a couple weeks ago. This dude kept on saying he is sorry because my sandwhich was too messy. I finally said dude, it's ok, I understand my sandwhich is going to be messy because I ordered triple everything Bacon, Cheese, ham, meatballs, Zebracakes, oreo's, (but hold the pickles thanks!) I realized right then people say they are sorry for everything. BE A MAN FOR AND ONLY SAY YOU ARE SORRY FOR THINGS YOU ARE SORRY FOR. Like falling down vinnies steps and spilling Jim Beam everywhere, and Voting for Obama. Those things yu can truely feel sorry for. YOU KNOW WHAT? THE VALUE IN YOUR "SORRY" IS MAXIMIZED if you use it less. Just like the Value in saying "I LOVE YOU" to a woman should only be used as currency to attain MAX VALUE. (like before intercourse and recieving breakfest handies at perkins.)

What Women want?

Who cares? I man has to be on his path to awesomeness, so when girls are like "Oh Ray you should...I just pull out a construction sign that says "Caution! Awesome at play" Then I go back to constructing Awesome like 300 k-dot workers high on Meth. Then when I stack 7 shades of awesome on top of each other I tip it over creating a avalanche of awesome. Some people try to skii on MT. AWESOME, but I would advice against it. Although you do get a special rate being the offseason of awesome, you don't get the full amount of awesome.

Alright...here is your Manual just don't kill us!

When you are going over to talk to a bunch of girls, or you are going on stage for being funny. This is a perfect story that tells what your brain does (I heard it somewhere else but it is so true it is funny). Your brain already has the manual of how to communicate with girls, be funny, or learn or whatever, you just have to go do it before it unlocks that ability. Sooo in your mind it is like two dudes just going to the airport. The first guy is like lets get in a plane! Second guy is like why the F would we do that, we are sitting here in the cafe at the airport! So they go out to the plane. The first guy is like I am flying this son of a bitch, I don't care if you like it or not! The second guy says No you aren't not without the flying manual. The second dude is wearing some suspenders or something stupid. He is a dork and won't give the first guy the plane manuel So The first guy is like well whatever we are flying this bitch right now! They take off and the second guy wets his pants (possibly shitting them) then he finally says "Here is your stupid flying manual just don't get us killed"

so you see this lesson can be applyed to anything, public speaking, taking off a bra, whatever your heart desires. Your brain often has the Manual already in your head) On a side note I keep typing Manuel... which is a good name for someone who speaks spanish.

Natural Pecking Order (and how it's not bad!)

Ok no matter how hard I try, Vinnie is going to be higher on the pecking order. This is a good thing, it's like nature or something, we show up somewhere I turn to him to see what the hell he is going to do, so I get a sense of how the envirement is going to react. So I used to get all OH MAN I AM GOING TO SHOW UP AND KICK EVERYONE FACE WITH MY AWESOMENESS. Now I figure I can calibrate to what he does. Just like an alpha Male dog will eat a hot dog first to make sure the hot dog is safe for the group o eat, Vinnie will eat the delicious meat. He does get the large part of the meat, but there is that chance that the hot dog fell on the floor at Wileys. So with that I will say that whenever writes a blog I must Write a blog too. He just makes me better.

08/10/10 Randoms

I am starting to watch LOST. the hit show about people who are lost. Episode 1 season 1. A plane crashed. There is some talking.


I like to reframe my life to make sure I get maximum amount of enjoyment. Instead of Gawsh I have 2 hours left in the work day. I am like 2 more hour of being in my twenties woooo hooo

Strict rules

My sister wants me to go to Worlds of fun, but everyone should know my rule about amusement parks by now. I require written documentation of a Saftey inspected Tilt-a-whirl on the premises with less than a 13 minunte wait...and that is just to get your foot in the door with me.

Saturday 08/07/10

The guy fixing my water heater just walked in while I was watching "bring it on" and I wasn't even embarrassed

Tuesday harpos

I went out for a search for adventure on tuesday to westport. I like westport just to hang out, I first used the bathroom at Mr. GoodCents, and I could tell it was already getting crazy up in the westport WHAT WHAT>!>!>!>! I went to quarter draws with some friends, it was good time. The waitress spilled beer on me. Without missing a beat I asked for a comment card...she was like "why do you need a comment card?" I told her "So I can SUGGEST to management that the waitresses should Not spill beer on me" She laughed in a laughing manner and walked away. Some blond girl sat next to me that was p hot. probably a 7.5 on the Ray scale. She busted my balls right away. I asked her if there were any other bars around "I ment to say cool bars" She said "No there aren't any bars....at all" we laughed and were joyous. I got her number but she didn't call me back. That shit happens when you are in the game. Alot of girls are in the game for the same reason I am. Hustle. Everyday is hustlin'

Bowling League VS Stand Up comedy

Bowling League - bunch of drunk guys, some girls having fun.
Stand Up comedy - bunch of drunk guys 1 girl having somewhat fun

Bowling League - Annoying it's once a week make yourself go
Stand Up comedy -Annoying its once a week make yourself go

Bowling League -People say "Ray you are pretty good, you should go pro!"
Stand up comedy- People say "Ray you are prety good, you should go Pro!

Bowling League - semi fun hobby
Stand Up comedy- semi fun hobby.

Bowling league - worst moment....guttering when I needed 1 pin to win
Stand up comedy people telling me "hey pretty good for your first time!" when I am a 6 month vet of the grind.

Just bought a chair from work.

I just bought a chair from work that was 10 dollars. It is in pretty good shape. I am tired of rolling this sumbitch. So I just sat down and scooted my way to the parking lot. If it was a ride at the leblond carnival it would have cost atleast 3 tickets. Or 10 pancakes at the pancake stand.

learning how to quckly make out with chicks

Learning NLP. So today's NLP lesson, I learned you can make someone think about something by telling them not to think about something. Like when I say. "Hey....Quit Having a huge crush on me, I am takin'...when I say that to a girl, they have to think about having a crush on me first, then they think about me being taken and how they can't have me. Next thing you know we are making out in the back of my lancer!

Ducks in a row

I have never heard the phrase "getting your ducks in a row" So when a caller from Springfield Missouri says. "Hey I will get back to you once I get my ducks in a row" I just think he is a farmer that would like his Duck Organized.

05/29/10

I played softball and broke my tail bone. That was bad. Hot red heads.... are good. Sausage on the grill is good. Crabman and I eating sausaes...talking to hot red heads are good. Blondes who think they are bad ass because they don't drink boxed wine and they lived in italy.. boring... blondes that don't know anything about the beer thta they are serving....boring... Boyfriends of hot redheads professional and calm. Good couple of days.

05/18/10

The wonderful world of demonpenz...... Going to work, coming home, anxiety attacks, random passing of gas. Today I woke up and it was the first week that it wasn't cold out....poor Ronnie James Dio..... He died. Holy Diver baby! Jump Jump Like a tiger......

Ok reboot. I am sitting here watching HOT ROD. My God this movie sucks, but I can't keep my eys off of it.

My Favorite Conversation May 6th.

Reframing, communication, presentation....all things I have been working so hard in my life. This conversation on May 6th 2010 was a prefect bite size nugget of how hard I have been working and how powerful it truely is when you can work and get these things handled

Ray: what up?
Jeff: Nothing, How are you?
Ray: Good.
Jeff: I don't believe you.
Ray: I am very good.. *laughs* I just need to work on sending that message at all times I guess.
Jeff: Good..... Now we can move forward.

April 16th 10

Johnny Cash and I hung out yesterday. We watched the chiefs draft Eric Berry. I playmaker from the saftey position. I can't wait for football. Camarohead....and Monday night. Hell yeah. I did some jokes at standford and sons, it went ok, but it was alot of work just driving, working on jokes, getting on stage, waiting your turn. Damn....seems pointless sometimes. I just hope to do as many open mic's and write as many jokes from now until the end of time, because that seems to be the only thing I am good at...Well that and hitting on Girls working at dicks sporting goods. I love Gogel Bordello they are the best turkish rock band ever. The penguins are up 3 games to 2 over the Ottawa Senators. I am not worried, we have experience and some fire power. Just got to FINISH it off. Miss my Grandma....man do I miss my grandma.... I have a large pain in my neck. A Litteral pain in my neck. I turned it the wrong way and felt a pain so bad I got nausous, pale and sweaty, that would be embarrassing passing out because your neck hurts, but that is almost what I did. Luckily I found my way to a "confort room' which I found out isn't for guys it is for woman nursing.

I sent this txt out to everyone today
Frank Sinatra! The chairman of the board!
Crabman: I thought carrot top was the king of the board.

lol I know what he is talking about too hahahahah

Some Skills that I need work on

So.... What I have learned after quitting drinking, is there are skills, that I have neglected from being drunk, or having mental problems. I am just now grasping the fact that you can change the things that you suck at. My apartment is filled with the most random shit because I never wanted to pay for things that normal people have. I made some collages and I am trying to make my apartment more "adult" It is an ongoing progress becoming mature. I have wooden table with white random ass chairs around them. I need to get some chairs that match. The one thing I want to keep is the two TV setup, I don't watch any TV but when I do I want two ball games on, or one ball game, one xbox 360 game going on. I am just glad I have awareness that everything is a process. I used to just think I sucked at knowing where shit goes in my apartment and I suck at interior design. Turns out I just am a lazy asshole who doesn't want to spend money or time learning how to make things look better.

Softball is fun... I am struggling, but whatever! Quality time with my friends is always good. I have been watching my parents Cat lately. That thing is a pain in the ass. It is kind of nice to have a "dump" buddy in the morning though. How we got in the same poop schedule is beyond me.

stuff 04/14/10

I was able to do some comedy on tuesday, which wasn't impressive. The fact I made it through work, to st joseph and back to lenexa. That was the impressive part. The most nerve racking thing is just waiting all day to get on stage for 5 minutes. It's fun though. I love people looking and laughing at me. Plus I can hit on chicks.....which is nice....

Opening day

I had just finished up a long weekend saying good by to my Grandma when I hoodwinked my Dad into getting opening day tickets. I actually didn't want to go to opening day...too many waste-tards, not enough Royals fans. I went to my Grandma's funeral to the start the day, and ended it picking up Johnny Cash on the way to Opening Day. The K is the best place to see a game. Easy to get into the parking lot, easy get a tailgate going, and a beautiful staduim. We were greated by a parking lot worker yelling at everyone to "move down". Now I thought the message could have been delivered in a friendlier way, but it was obvious "Mrs. 455 parking lot worker lady" was in a pissed off mood and wasn't having people parking where they wanted to. David Cook sang an awesome National Anthem, and I took as many pictures and videos as possible. I tried to get alot of Fan Pictures but some of the pretty ladies thought I was too creepy. The royals lost in typical fashion, bad baserunning, dropped pop flies, etc. I drove back to Lenexa happy. Happy that my Grandma had a long life, happy that I got to hang with Johnny Cash, and Happy to head back to my Red Chair at my Apartment.

2nd Royals game

Man I hate looking outside sometimes especially when I am sitting my cube... I watched as everyone was having fun outside on 04/07/10 exept me. Birds were chirping, people were laughing. Emu's were humping. I couldn't wait to get outside. King Crab calls me up to go to the Royals game. I promise myself every year I am not going to waste my time on that team, but somehow I always end up watching them. By the time we got to the game it had dropped to 40 degrees, it was raining, dogs were barking, monkeys clapping, it was aweful out. The kid behind us was drunk or on PCP. This guy who didn't make sense all night looked to be 18-19 and had as many drugs going through him as Dr. Gonzo in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"

"Rick Ankiel makes 35 Million dollars a year!" "F YOU GRIENKE!" Ugh...with the outfield opened up it seems like there are more of these waste-tards.

The Royals won on a dramatic game tying homerun by Callapso, and Rick "35 Million dollar man" Ankiel came through with a double to win the game. I was also satisfied by eating King Crabs Burrito Supreme. mmmMmMMmmMmmM.

Powerful conversation

03/26/10 Seemed like a normal day.... There is a young lady, that I truely admire. She has faith, always smiles, smart, confident. I learned today that she will be leaving the insurance world to be an RN. There are so many shitty nurses out there, it is refreshing to see a young person getting after it! My advice to her was to write her core values down and when that long long frustration week comes along go back to it. People here this advice but unless they have hit rock button, or are ready to change, they never listen to it. Write that shit down! What you are about, why you got into this job, and always be honest with yourself. Sounds like yammering, but it took me 6 years to finally hit bottom to really get back to what you believe in. I have even shortened my list to just have a symbol. My symbol is a Penguin, Penguins are unselfish, they dance, they don't give a shit when they dance btw!, they endure harsh climates, they spend half their time in water/half their time on land. I am an Emperior Penguin. Good luck Z. Learned more in chit chat than I have ever learned ever ;)

Good Luck Bad Luck..who knows?

I put my diet coke 44 oz on my car roof and it fell off splashing me with a bunch of awesome pop. Good Luck? Bad Luck? Who knows?

I then forgot my passenger door wide open and went into work, causing embarrasment when over the intercom i heard "a Mitzu (i can't prenounce this..) "A RICE BURNING BLACK CAR YOU LEFT YOUR DOOR OPEN! MORON!" Good luck? Bad Luck? Who knows.

Portly fat sweaty but great basketball coach rick Majerous loves girl scout cookies. He was talking on the espn podcast with Doug Gotlieb that he used to love thin mints, now he loves Samohans. Majerious feels like an NBA owner when picking out girl scout cookies. DON'T WE ALL COACH... DON'T WE ALL Coach! You are the best thing about St Louis! A tiger only succeeds at catching prey 1 out of 20 times, about as much as Jason Kendall Makes contact with a white round sphere called a baseball. Oh Boy David Bowe day on 101.1 the fox....is Max tanna and Moffit going to make me watch Labrynth after work? George Bernard Shaw one the Noble peace prize, but refused the money! They are called wonderbra's because when you take them off you wonder where her boooobies went! Andre Miller is going to be a good basketball player. Sugar Free Red bull, sunflower seeds, and a pat on the back, these things keep me going! My goal is to have 1000000030002000.4 peole following my blog and facebook. With God anything is possible! I wish there was an edit button so I could just add on the red headed woman on facebook. I would then put on a red wig and post on their wall "WE ARE TWINS EEEEZ" This Irish newletter i got at Waxy Oshay's smells like Cigars and Guiness. I like 4 fried chickens and a coke, both the stuff you eat and drink, but also the band. Post It's do not work well on cleaning up tomato soup. "keeping guys in line" does not mean inviting the group to an inline. skating group. I tried to get everyone to call me Mr. Boombastic today, they politely declined . I don't really want to know where St. Pats beads have been before they get throw at you by a bouncer. I do really want to know why the bouncer threw me out (I thought the patrons had left, and it was ok to enjoy some the left over plate fries!) Me getting thrown out of a bar. Good luck? bad Luck? who knows>?

Post script

True story, I just put in 50 cents to get some skittles and it got stuck in the vending machine? good luck bad luck who knows? Then this dude came in with a ball on a chain wheeling it around his head and said "THE NEXT PERSON I CATCH EATING SKITTLES WILL DIE.!!!!

Edit: the point of saying good or bad luck? who knows? is to get out of your head...OR if you do think about an incident. To convience yourself it was good luck.

Getting even with Alanis Morissette

Many things have been written and said about Alanis Morissette. I feel with with all my heart that the Senior writer at the Atchison Times said it the best. "Alanis Morisette is the worst person.....of all time!" She is like a nuclear bomb of suck" writer Raphael Miller said about the sucktacular female artist. So now you are wondering....Demon....Dp... how can I get back at this lady. This canadian lady *shudder*. Well I got something Ironic for ya.... use her music to dupe woman. Dupe woman toooooo MAKE OUT WITH YOUR MALE FACE! HEY HOW ARE YOU TODAY.... LOVE YOUR SHOES! DO YOU LIKE Alanis?!?! (no need to even say the last word, if a woman is a woman ((you my want to doube check)) there won't even be a need for saying Satan's last name. Play her albums, pretend you know what woman are about, talk about what a butthole dave coulier is! Just make sure you take advantage of her appeal to woman, by ABUSING IT. takig power woman rock, to take the power away from woman ALITTLE TOOOOOO IRONIC DON'T YOU THINK?? It's like rayyyyaaaaaiiiin.

They say the mark of a crazy man is.....

Is that he makes a pitcher of iced tea and fills a 2 liter bottle of mountain dew with it! Well I must be Crazy?!?! Speaking of which...does anyone else just randomly scream out "CRAZY TAXI!" Whenever they see Taxi...or crazy stuff or hear the Offspring? CRAZY! That taxi was driving faster than a woman posting an awe comment about a newborn on facebook! . Our team name for Tuesday Irish Trivia was Joseph P Randa. Ole sweet #16 still lives on in our hearts and in all star baseball 2000 or n64. I love Katie Horner, her outlandish comments and risky garb make her the Milk of my CoCo Pebbles. I follow WDAF on Facebook and today I wrote this. Katie Horner....rooooawwwwww Tornado in my pants (I think they deleted it...will check when I get to a basement, under a sturdy table). This is like the superbowl for Irish Themed bars. Hi Ho, The Palms, Burny's, Snake bite, Kelly's, the bone, Race Car bar, Norty's, Jumpin jacks bar, Magoons, Hammerjacks, buffalo bar, Jerry's bait shop. All these bars are irish bars and I bet they are happier than Jason Kendall reaching first base (only to get picked off). I just remembered that it is not OK to dance to Master P, because everyone starts saying Make'em say UHHHHHHH NOOO.......NA NA NA NOOO NA NA NA NOOOO. Every cheat/money play in madden that I can think about involves sending a player in motion. The computer should just not be magintized into blockers. Hard to explain. Well I better get back to adding as many people in facebook as possible.. in hopes of being famous and rich and getting some chili cheese fritos'

Hi...Hope to see you at saints add me as friend!
Yo...it's Demonpenz comedian, blogger, video blogging, you've seen me on myspace..now check out my friend
Hey... I need help in farmville!
I got a strawberry cow in farmville
A loney Demonpenz Has wondered onto your farm in farmville. H
Hope to see you at HammerJacks 2 nite
Trying 2 see how many numbers eye can put into a sencence 4 u!
I am also on OKCUPID W/webcame...check me out pleyer
Ice is important when drinking crown royal. if you just crack it out of those green and blue ice maker dealies, it tastes gross.
Talcom powder! I NEED SOME
Stop stealing toilet paper from the mall rest rooms. People at the brass buckle now can't whip correctly.
Joe Randa Joe Randa Joe Randa.
If you are going to pee into a bottle make sure it is a 1 liter of mountain dew. The large mouth redueces the risk of pee pants by 25 Percent.

Acceptable nicknames for me aka Demonpenz

Raph

Raphie

Raffle

Rod

Rodmanavich

Rodzilla4u (from AIM)

Demon

Demonpenz

DP

Penz

The Penzer

Penzanelli.

Beef Penzeroni

chicken fried Penz

Bacon n' penz

Raph a Roni

Raphaelz

For real raphaelz

Road Dog

Ray-dog

Ray-ray

Lil Ray Ray

Biggon

snack cakes

You

Hey you

Hey you asshole

Hey you jerkoff.

Ray

Rayfield

Raymucher

Raysteak

Steakavitch

Chucksteak.
steak n eggs

Columbus sailed the Rayflower

RayDay

Dr Ray and snoop doggie dog

Ray

Sports in Cargo Shorts Vol 2

Jim Boeheim said on P.T.I that Kansas is the team to beat in this tourny. That is what My bracket and I like to hear! Beckham tears his achilles...oh noes! Now the only time you will see him on TV is on TMZ.. (unless there is a sports channel ESPN Europe Classic) I watched the ESPN movie about Spike Lee and Reggie miller. Wow! That brought back some good memories. Rik Smits was and forever will be criminally underated. A center that could hit jumpers outside of 10 feet in the 90s was unheard of (outside of that dude that had to starve himself every damn playoff game arrg!) What the hell was Derrick Mckey doing to me in nba live 96? He was costing me a title every time I played in the finals. Dropped passes, missed free throws, 45 rating in defense awareness, God I hate you virtual Derrick Mckey for Super Nintindo! Reggie Miller was a video game badass in NBA live 96,97,98, wow. What the hell were the folks at EA sports doing in 94? Man they had a "special move" for Chuck Person...AKA The Rifleman. What was his special move you ask? You would think it would be a Jump shot or 3 pointer...that's what Chuckie P do, but nOOOooOOoooO he throws a fickin alley oop to himself if you pressed Y while driving the lane. Let me tell you Non Video game nerds out there at this point in his career Chuck Person was older, fatter, shorter, and blacker than me, DEMONPENZ. FO SHO!.
I got to peep some of Aaron Crowe this last week. He is a pitcher for the Royals. I have hopes for him throwing a white sphere past some Men swinging wood sticks. I don't have a java script or anything that tells me how many days hours minutes seconds until opening day...soooooooooo

ELEVENTEEN MOAAR DAZE TILL OPENING DAY!

Extreme hope Demonpenz #45

"Not your time!....Son!"

Changing the way I looked at life has helped me enjoy every morsel of my time on earth. When I was younger (also known as being an idiot) I would pick apart every situation until it drove me crazy. Although my head told me to be thankful for the things I had, my heart did not. It took me time...... time away sober.... to help me realize how lucky I am. I have to drive this home by typing, writing, or having someone else tell me how lucky I am. One chromosome different and I could have been Jason Kendall. NO ONE wants to spend the summer trying to hammer a baseball only to have it travel 10 feet then having your job taken by Brian Pena midseason. One day I decided to take a look on why I was so miserable. It turns out I was just being a wussy. Job sucks? waaaaa quit and work to find another one, unlucky with ladies? Well spike your hair up and hang out at the power and light. I sometimes want a sweet GTO like engineerds have, well then go to Rolla you big wuss. I would be a 30 year old freshman, but you want that GTO soooo bad right Ray? I stopped picking apart why things happen or don't happen. When you finally accept the fact that everything is always screwed up and you can't control hardly any of it, I found myself being about to enjoy life more. So you had a near death experience, don't sit there and examine it. Just take it as.... "God wants you to go back to earth and clean up your shit....."

Dueces!

Demonpenz

Post script. I got a 16 on my act and to get into the business department at Missouri Western you need a 21. So took the test when I was like 21.... I sent tjhe results to Missouri Western Northwest (for possible grad school) and rolla (for poops and giggles) and I must have scored well because Rolla called me. I would sure hop I scored well, I already had grey hair!

Jesus Jukebox

I am always looking for things from God, I have found myself to be quite needy over the years. "Oh Lord, please help me pass this test I will study for Geomatry and spelling" next time! F- and summer school was in my future of course....so I found a different way of Praying that seems to work better and not come off so needy. Pray for general things. Lord, please give me strength, wisdom, more hair on my head, salty snacks that may or my not resemble Onions (that are also quite fun). It is like if you are asking for someone to play music on the jukebox. Just ask for Alt rock from the 90's. Don't be the asshole that asks for Blur song 2. When thanking God, I feel it is ok to pick out specifics though. It helps be more grateful! Thank you for the interweb, thank you for blogspot.com, thank you for warmth and pizza rolls.

Softball 50% fun 20% Work 30% getting struck in the head by objects.

Crabman signed us up for a co-ed softball league. YAY beer, nachos, and having a good time. Boo pulled hamstrings, "strawberrys", and boo misjudging flyballs and having them hit you square in your fat stupid for playing softball face. Now I get a walk or two in daily, but playing softball is different excersize. Standing in a field, forced to chase a round sphere of death while pretty ladies and manly men point and laugh..... yeah you could say this is different than my normal form of calisthenics. One move that has helped me greatly in my social and sporting life is the "tornado position" The tornado position is a variation of the fetal position (made famous by Damon Huard quarterback from the Kansas City Chiefs). What you do is you lie crouched and cover the soft part of your neck with your hands. This prevents cool ranch dorito's to impale your neck while a tornado is going on. This "Tornado" move helps when in softball when you are trying to catch a fly ball, but you trip leaving yourself exposed. Go into the "Tornado" and say a couple prayers that the Reaper ball of deathness doesn't strike your brain and kill you dead. It is a must when you fall or trip during any sport that some jerkface yells "sniper!" Although it is strangely appropriate for paintball. I am calm and excited for the upcoming softball season. My goals are to be outside and run around. With a positive attitude, I can achieve my goals.

#45 Demonpenz LF.

March 13th Special Snake saturday

Well I woke up and it was as cold as an electronic cooling machine that changes water into a solid form I went for a walk. I then hung out with my nephew who now has a black eye. Nice ....well it is snake saturday, so what way to kick off a snake saturday to hang out with a 4 year old with a tough 'tude and a black eye. We then played some excite bike and talked about bo jackson. Flogging Molly and Dropkick murphy's and u2 will play apart in snake saturday for real!

March 12th 2010

I woke up early and worked out today. I was hoping I wouldn't be all crazy pacing in my cube to leave. I am not pacing but I am ready to leave already. I ate some celery and pretended I was a rabit for awhile. celery sucks even with peanut butter, it tastes like some grass got on your peanut butter. I am drinking some rip it Energy drink i got from Dollar tree. Dollar tree sells albums. These albums include Barenaked ladies, Phish, and tony orlando. I haven't gotten to listen to any of these because I hardly listen to cd's. Fish Taco's from callihans rules. I Like the curly haired guy from hall and oats better than the white guy. I once got beat by 5 aces playing poker in toledo. I wonder if I ate cherry chapstick if it would give me a serving of fruit. I find the movie hot rod to be funny and awesomely awesome. When I am eating soup I want something crunchy to go with it. celery does not satisfy my need correcly. Celery sucks I like to write on post it notes "post it baby!" just so everyone understands my enthusiasim for post it notes. I can't believe i spelled enthusuasim correctly. Olathe's water tower is weak compared to all mighty platte city water tower. I wish Platte City's water tower was a bad guy in a video game. Like the final boss, when it destroy it you can get a dilly bar from the brazier there. I've never once saw a horse race where I thought one of the horses looked like they needed to take a piss.

Thoughts about racing TODAY 03/11/10

Kurt Busch looks like my friend Byrd "bryce' John Looks like Juan Pablo Montoya. I wish they would wear some nascar stuff and hang out at Dave and busters racing each other. CLASSIC.
Nothing like old school racers talking....looking at you Ward burton and Rick Mast. That there done. That there had dem. Memories like elephants... That Car of Tomorrow or whatever you call it saved that polish kids Kalowsiki's life! Sharks must swim forward or they die. Slay the dragon, other cliche's! bassmasters

Sports Cargo Shorts 03/11/10

People need to stop dogging on Cole Aldridge for only averaging 11 points a game. The dude changes every damn game he plays. He can just stand there with his arm stretched out like palm trees and be a game changer. Child Please.... Aldridge is the love child of Wanye Simeon and Greg ostertag.
Carl Edwards...please fist fight or hit someone ATLEAST on a pace lap. Don't be a dueche and hit someone going 200 mph. Thanks
If I had a guitar position that is my favorite...it's SHRED EAGLE!
When listening to racing podcasts my favorite drivers liked the movie "stroker ace" now I have to watch this damn movie. Burt Reynolds...check, race cars...check. bad acting? Oh yeah!

Snugga Memories 03/11/10

This one time snugga was mad that his order of nacho bell grande's wasn't correct (MOAR CHEESE! he yelled) So then him and the manager got into it, when the dude popped his head out of the drive through, snugga slammed it against the side of drive through window. Managers Mcmannagers head bounced around like a lottery ball

03/10/10 Randoms

Derrick Anderson ran all over the chiefs in 06, I was watching the game with my dad and Matt. Man I was mad. Trent Green had a monster game too. So I txt'd to see if anyone remembered the game

Do you remember the 06 browns game?

Byrd: nope
Crabtree: was that the one where Ross and Rachel hooked up?
Matt: Why?
Ray: Derrick Anderson ran all over the chiefs
Matt; yep.