Friday and Saturday

Thursday the Royals were handed a victory. Friday they killed the Blue Jays. I hope they play better to at-least get me to football season. Saturday was somewhat productive. I deposited money, I refilled prescription, I blogged. I am going to finish out may around 15th in my department in sales/quality. I don't feel proud, but I know that is pretty good. My key to selling is to sale to everyone even if you feel like they are going to get mad. I try to sell to people who I know who will say know to see if I can get better or to get better with rejection or just to keep up the habit of selling to everyone. There is no reason to not sell to everyone unless you are just tired or frustrated with dealing with the emotions of rejection.

Royals are terrible and other things

Today I went for a 2-mile walk. I visited with Raymond. I was pretty free and easy today. My meds and time away from work seem to be working. I played Grand Theft Auto V I ate lots of meatloaf and I watched the Royals lose again.

Business

Paid my renters insurance today that was 210 dollars. I also called to refill my Lexipro refilled. I went for a walk today for 2 miles. It was a bit rough, but I knew I would be glad at the end of the day that I got it done. Also once I get a walk in it helps me get in a more productive mood.

Doing the work is it's own reward

Everyone will pressure and force you into the mindset of results. Your team has to win, you have to gain skills, things have to get better. It was a real shock to learn that a better way to live is to just focus on doing good things and finding joy into that part of life. I think about this every so often when I am trying to find joy in giving people rides to AA meetings. I am like "They can stay sober, they could find a job, they could do this or that. Often they let me down, it is because I have the wrong line of thinking. I need to find joy in doing the right thing, not joy in results or outcome. When I can find joy in doing good things that frees me up to enjoy life more. I am not wasting time or energy worrying about people places or things that I can't change.


Yesterday I watch Sporting KC tie, The Royals lose, and USA win 2-0. I had a self imposed "Cheap night" because I wanted to take it easy after being at work over holiday weekend. The Royals and Sporting KC don't deserve my 60 dollars. USA won and I got to have some laughs. It was good to spend time with Monica, Matt the engineer, Jason, Sarah, and Andrea. My favorite part of the night is not seeing the 60 dollars come out of my wallet and into David Glasses hands.

Memorial Day weekend

Memorial Day weekend was somewhat tame since I worked. Yesterday on Monday I woke up and went for a 2-mile walk. I said hi to Sarah and Jason and I went to Andrea's. I went to Andrea's and she was putting on an overhead on her deck. She asked me to do some drilling but her dad and her friend Jack was doing that. I handed various tools to various people and just tried not to be in the way. She got it done and it does look nice. Her brother and this Marine was trying to get their boat trim to work, again I wasn't much help but I did tell the dude working on the boat if the lower unit went up or dad. I texted my dad to see if he wanted to do some work on the boat but he didn't. I chatted with Andrea, her mom and dad the rest of the night and that was the day. Today I am planning on watching Sporting KC on ESPN 2 and having the flip back and forth from the Royals game. I went for a long walk today and it felt good. My clothes fit and people seem to be attracted to me, so I am grateful today that I tried to get my weight down over Jan and Feb so I wouldn't be pissed at myself for not working out.

Jason and Sarah

Jason has done a great job with paying me half the rent. We paid the gas bill today. It is a miracle I have been able to stay down in KC even though I didn't have a job this year. I want to be thankful that I am down here because I am always around people and that is a good thing for me.

Friday and Saturday

I felt like butt most of Friday and Saturday morning. I am thankful for Dayquil I was able to go to work. At work you have to take your breaks and lunches on time. I took my last one a couple minutes late and I am decently on time about it, but I was a bit late, hopefully that doesn't cost me in the rankings that much. I don't want to get to obsessed with my Rankings at work but I am 11th in my department right now out of 80 which is pretty good for my 4th month. I want to finish of May strong. I woke up today and went for a walk. I still feel like butt so I didn't go long. Now I am watching woman's softball.

Thursday

Thursday night I was sick, still am sick with flu-like symptoms. Throat hurts, achey body, pukey. It isn't too bad as long as I am taking some dayquill pills and not doing hard work. Andrea came over yesterday and we had a battle out on the tennis court. We watched fast and the furious 6 and it was awesome. Today I played some grand theft auto 5. Andrea said that the L.A. and Grand Theft Auto 5 was just like the real thing. She knew the streets and everything.

Wednesday and Thursday

Wednesday I got off work an went for a walk at 24-hour fitness. I was pretty sick feeling. Maybe hayfever because of all the grass being cut. After that I came home and watched the Royals win with Jason and Sarah. Andrea came over and we played some Lego batman and some of fifa 13. Thursday I visited with Raymond. We talked about people working the crowd to get a good feeling out of life. I then went on a 2-mile walk outside. I was in a bad mood monday tuesday wednesday it felt good to be in a decent mood enough to walk outside in the glorious weather.

Adapt or die

I have to work on our new rules at my work. I have to work on saving accounts from closing and work on my first call resolution. It might not mean anything to anyone reading on my blog, but the more it is in my head the better. Yesterday I played some Grand Theft Auto V. I watched the Royals and Pacers lose. I am pretty bitter about the Royals, but I have to keep a "Oh Well We will get em tomorrow" attitude. Andrea called me and she hit 90 meetings in 90 days and she has changed. She gets things done on her house, she helps others, and is cool to be around if she has hit 10 meetings in a day. I am currently listening to a rare pepper album and the lead singer has hit one out of 10 notes he is attempting to sing.


Kurtis stopped by black dog the other day and he is now teaching people to hit on every girl ever to help deal with rejection. Nice to see some of my philosophy being passed on.

Today

Today wasn't great, but I was able to speak up at a meeting at work. This made me feel good because even on my down days I am able to get better and be productive. The Royals are doing awful right now. I went to 24-hour fitness and I was able to work out a bit after work. Andrea cut my hair and now there is sweat all over my face because I have no hair to stop it.

Tuesday

Tuesday I woke up and I didn't do much. I am not in a great mood. I didn't even want to go to the mailbox. I am sure that will contain another bill I have no idea what is for and I would have to spend all day on the phone sorting out. This weekend is the weekend that I work Fri-Sat-Sun that kind of puts me in a bad mood, but I think the main thing is I just get in bad moods because that is what I do. I try to not go out and buy a puppy or do anything drastic to fix my moods. I try to think about other people, I will think about how thankful I am to have night shift so I can sleep all day and drink coffee all night.

Royals blow one and Monday work

Monday night I went to work. It was o.k. I dropped to 16th in my department. My goal is to improve on my 27th place finish for April. I came home in time to watch the Royals poop the bed. I walked at 24 hour fitness for 1 mile.

Monday

Monday I woke up with some Anxiety. It is to be expected. My sub-brain (I can't spell sub conscience very well). It knows that Mondays are not great. I went to an AA meeting. I will deal with my problems today straight up and without myself messing it up. I know that. I was lucky enough to play some F1-2012 on my xbox-360. I thought I had put in 3 hours on the game but it says 51 minutes playing the game. That tells me how bad my attention span is and how hard it is to me to stick to something these days. I played lego batman for 4 minutes yesterday as well.

The Pacers

I am excited for the Pacers going 1-0 over the Heat. I don't hate the heat, just tired of seeing Miami.

Tennis

I didn't know how Bryce was going to be playing tennis, he crushed the ball and Matt was good as well at Saturday. That amount of thwacking and power made me gitty like a school girl. Like when Ron Swanson is eating a giant steak. I am getting through some slightly stoopid marathon tonight.

Making my way through Slightly Stoopid concert on youtube

I was able to take my Meds today. It was the first time since Friday. I missed Saturday which was the first time that I missed since getting the meds.

Aug goals

I need to hit my goals at work so I can possibly move up at my job. I was thinking about that other day. That is kind of cool. I struggle just to get to work and to be a decent person to people and don't have energy to think about goals, but I felt zesty the other day. I would like to continue to lose weight, I have no desire to really push myself. I do some walking to clean my head and get my good vibes going, not to really crush my body and make myself miserable. That is the difference between training and excersize. One is for crushing your body for compitition, the other one is just to feel good.

Saturday

Saturday I am just grateful I drank and partied forever in St. Joseph and I never mouthed off to the wrong person. I hung out with a bunch of people at black dog at Saturday. We chilled on the deck. Kurtis came over. After that I hung out at Saints for awhile. I went to Andrea's and that was the night. Andrea put down some chicken wire and some mulch and I supervised on Sunday. We went for along walk with her dog K-So and it was hot, but it was a decent workout. I am back now watching youtube video's of Jon Wayne and The pain. Alex Gordon had a great day and SKC played well but lost.

Saturday

Friday night at work I worked hard and my supervisor Aaron was there all night. We goofed around and I am getting more relaxed in my job. I was on edge for so long because my brain wasn't working and because I am new. I don't do it on purpose but I always feel pressure to do well. I just have to remind myself that nothing is a big deal and this is america and I will always have food and won't be eaten by Lions. It was a decent night. I came home and I was bored and decided to sleep. The people who live above Jason and I are loud in the morning. I woke up and played some video games. Bryce, Jason, Matt the E, and I played tennis. It was a very fun time. Probably the most fun since the Nascar truck race last week. We finished up. I bought some Hy-vee chicken and I am currently watching IndyCar racing.

Friday

Thursday was a decent day for me. I think it is the Lexipro that is taking some un-natural stress of my brain. At work I was able to work back to back calls for most of the night. Most days I get too stressed, to anxious, to upset to really do back to back calls. At a call center they pay you to do back to back calls. It was nice to actually feel like I am able to do work. I am glad I work at a call center. It forces me to actually work instead of just surf the web or play on facebook. After work I went to 24-hour fitness to walk for a bit, they didn't have the Royals game on. I watched the Pacers win. The Pacers need to take down the heat this year. I doubt that will happen. The Penguins fired their GM and will probably fire their coach. Good... no excuse for another early exit to the playoffs which included blowing a 3-1 series lead. Today I cleaned my jeep, washed and cleaned out the inside. I washed my sheets, did laundry, overall I feel good before I am going to work. I wish my ups and downs with my brain and the chemicals it produces were always at this level because I am productive and grateful. Tomorrow Kurtis wants to hang out at 7 PM and I think Byrdman is coming over. Byrdman said having kid is work. He has never had an Xbox 360 though. Playing video games such as SMACKDOWN II is real hard work as well.

Thursday

Wednesday I brought up the topic at the AA meeting. It really helps others when I let them know about my struggles with anxiety and I let them know how I handle it without getting boozed up. I let actual doctors handle my health not my idiot self. Yesterday I had a work review and it was the first review in a long time that I felt was o.k. I was constantly getting written up for things at my other jobs even though I worked hard. I am glad that this one was good. I am 7th (?!) in the department right now out of like 70 people for quality and sales. That is good but I won't be surprised if I go back to the middle. If I can not take so many breaks I have a chance to bonus this month. That would be nice, but I am not getting my hopes up. I felt thankful that my review wasn't completely negative like I have had ones in the past. It made my Wednesday easier to manage. I went and talked to Raymond today. He is doing well. One of Jason's sponsees died which is a bummer. Andrea texted me 3 times yesterday and I was zonked out watching replays of Sporting KC lose. The SKC game yesterday was a diaster, but games like that happen during midweek games. Zusi and Besler and playing in the world cup. I ate chicken with salsa. There is a brand of salsa named Margirita's that is off the chain.

Walk

Went for a mile walk after work today.

Wednesday

Tuesday work was not fun. I did listen to some baseball podcasts. The Penguins blew a 3-1 series lead to lose to the Rangers. Terrible coaching from Dan Bylsma who did terrible in the olympics and terrible in the playoffs. With good talent. The Royals are playing better. Cain and Salvy parked one. I went for a walk yesterday after work. I hate going to the mailbox. Really I always get terrible news. Today I was reminded that my renters insurance is due. It is 211 dollars. That's all life is sometimes is getting yelled at and paying bills. I have good health and of course I go to plenty (ALL) of the sports events I really want to. I won't complain too much as I have too many blessings. My medicine seems to be working o.k. I worry sometimes that the anxiety will come back, but I know now that I have options with the doctor to see if I can get help. I am glad it is Wednesday. I have 3 more days until the weekend. Sporting KC plays tonight.

Tuesday

Tuesday I went to visit Andrea. She said she had a stomach ache. I guess that is code for....she wants me to on the roof to do some work. I didn't climb up on the roof, but she did. She bought me Jasons Deli. I was sad because she bought me all I care to eat, and I only went one trip up there. I think the penguins play game seven tonight, I am not sure, Royals play tonight, and Sporting KC plays tomorrow. I have to work all week so I am going to do the dance of work, sleep, work sleep, and that is pretty much it. I took my Lexipro today on schedule. I have to admit, taking medicine every day is a bit of work. I always end up in places where I have to drive back and take it. Overall I am feeling better. I don't have that anxiety that I had a couple weeks ago. It probably a combination of me taking 2 days off to watch nascar, time, medicine, and me understanding that I have to take work a bit easier. I got to work yesterday and my early ranking for the month was 10th ?! That is really good, I expect to be around mid back because that is where I have ended up, good to see for a second me not playing on the web and on my phone at work paying off for a bit. My temp job I didn't play on the net or on my phone and I still didn't keep my job. Not bitter though.

Monday

Monday morning and I haven't done anything. I ate some sausages and cheese. I played on facebook. Sarah and Jason are hanging around the place. I am just relaxing until I go to work.

LOL at V's blog Sunday night random blog

I decided to throw out my HydroxiRickJames pills. Not worth me worrying about it, just going to deal with my anxiety as it comes. I am still taking lexipro for depression. It was nice again to get up and not be hung over and it was nice to be able to get flowers for my Sister and my mom. I was able to watch some Zelda being played by cortland and my dad.

Mothers day

Happy Mothers day to my mom and sister. I woke up drove to Lawrence to visit them. I bought them flowers. Royals are currently sucking. Penguins are on tonight. Sporting Kansas City was awesome again this weekend. Andrea is spending it with her family. So I am enjoying another Royals Fiasco.

Thursday and Friday

Thursday Andrea and I went to see Jon Wayne and the pain. It was raining. I had a good time and I really love that band. Friday was good. I washed my jeep, played video games and watched 800 horse power trucks haul butt around Kansas speedway. I love my dad for how he is able to come on short notice. I enjoyed the weather both days. Friday's weather was very nice. Kyle Busch won the truck race. He is a beast.

Wednesday/Thursday

Wednesday I worked. I had a panic attack, I took half of the prescribed pills for panic attacks, it didn't work well and made me a bit coo-coo for co-co puffs. I hung out with Andrea after work. Thursday morning I went to the dentist office, I then deposited a check my dad gave me, I then talked to Raymond and we discussed my meds. I worked hard not to be in party mode and to take something that made me that loopy scared me. Called the doctor today to see if they have anything else with a bit less Rick James in it.

Wednesday

I woke up today and I went for a 2-mile walk. I then played some F1-2012. I was able to hit a tennis ball against a wall for a bit. I hit the ball over the wall for ALOT OF A THE TIME. Arrrg. Work was ok. My room is hot and it makes a weird sound when I run it. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 8:30 AM

Tuesday

Tuesday I went to a meeting at lunch-time and then I went for a walk. It was beautiful out.

Tuesday

Tuesday I woke up in a better mood. I played some f1 2012 and got through a twelve lap race. That is a big step because I get real figity when playing video games these days. Like I can't sit still.

Royals are comical

Came home yesterday to watch the Royals blow another game. It has become pretty funny at this point. Big prospects have all busted out. Gordon, Butler, Moose all were supposed to be superstars and they terrible this year. Penguins have been running hot though.

Monday

Monday I went for a 2-mile walk. I tried to think of other people. Best wishes to Byrdman and his new bebe. I read Vinnie's blog for awhile. That is always good fun. Also I listened to Rany talk about the Royals and how George Katarous...a backup catcher the royals let go hit two homeruns in less than an hour. More than Gordon, Hosmer, Butler combined.

Weekend

Friday I didn't do anything. Saturday I played tennis all day until I was sick of the heat. Andrea and I went to the Crossroads and it was fun. Good night to be outside. Sunday we woke up and Andrea and I played tennis. She is pretty good which made it fun. Then we took a nap. We went to Sporting KC and we had fun the rest of the day. I ate hamburgers at night and we went to target to enjoy post game soda's. Sporting KC played very well. Eric Kronburg was the man of the match. He made great saves and leads the league in shutouts.

Saturday

Played Tennis all day. Watched Royals lose. Then went to crossroads. It was cool Andrea wants me to add that she was breathing somewhere in the vicinity of my presence. Now she is watching like a mother hen making sure that I am not looking at anything non-churchy.

Saturday

Saturday I washed the jeep...or the machine I put 5 dollars in washed the jeep I should say. I did laundry, cleaned up then played tennis for long time it was fun. I am terrible but it was a good time.

Pay Day

Today is pay day. I have enough to pay the Jeep. Another month where I have money to pay for the Jeep and pay for Rent is a miracle. I finished April in 29th position in my company for various reasons. That respectable for how new I am. I have to keep acknowledging my customers needs, keep verifying whom I am speeking too, and keep working on actually gaining knowledge for the clients that I serve. My skills in sales went up when I started getting more comfortable and confident in the services that I sale. It took lots of time and effort to get the skills to grown. I haven't really felt good about growing the skills but I see the fact that the skills have grown and I can hear that I am better than other people when I listen in on how I sound. I think once I get my medication and I feel better I can sit down and really feel good about how I have grown in my selling ability.

Friday

Friday I woke up and I was very tired and sore from playing sports all yesterday. I had my doctors visit which was slightly annoying because it took 45 minutes. I got prescribed some medicine to help with my anxiety. I have hope that things will get better and I won't have to resort to strange behavior like driving around for an hour or two to calm me down. Tonight I have to work and I am looking forward to some Sporting KC this weekend on Sunday. Other than that nothing is going on really.

Thursday night

Andrea and I went skating at skate city and then played tennis. It was rad.

Tennis

I just got done playing tennis. I won some sets I was able to actually move my feet and hit balls over the net and inside the lines. Progress not perfection.

Thursday

Thursday I am meeting with Raymond like usual. I woke up this morning again with high anxiety which has been normal for oh about forever. My Doctor appointment got moved until tomorrow. I went and walked a mile at 24 hour fitness. My parents got a dog which made me happy. I am ready to visit that dog. Andrea had a dog that hates me, but it doesn't bite me so I love to hug and pet that dog. I am sure once I get my head working again I will feel better. Royals and Penguins are playing well. I have been spending more time with Jadon and trying to have more fun. Seems to help me cope better.