Made choices based on fear

I don't like to make choices based on fear. Today I had anxiety because I wanted to make sure I have enough money for this month. I drove back to St. Joseph to cash some bonds so I would make sure I have enough for rent. I heard today the roads were going to be bad. So I drove on bad roads to St. Joseph. Then I got texts that said the roads were going to be worse. So I was forced by fear to drive back to Lenexa. It wasn't something that I am proud of and I wish I could have made emotional choices today, but in the end it worked out as I am safe and sound at my apartment in Lenexa. I was able to walk 2 miles on the treadmill and I watched Boardwalk empire with my dad. I also expressed my feelings that I don't like girls who are good for me. I like girls who are terrible for me. I probably need theropy. My plan right now is to just ride out the phase where I like bad girls and I am sure that a different one will come along. There is lots of sadness and boredom right now because sports sucks this type of year. I will be excited for March Madness and of course for the Royals to start again. Thank you God for protecting me through the I-435 wilderness!

I did comedy at a place called "Branson of the North" I will have a wrapup later on.

3 miles and 10 minutes on the stationary bike

this is what I did today.

Sometimes you need a trip to wal-mart

Sometimes praying for gratitude isn't enough. You have to take a trip to wal-mart. I have to see and smell the people who are really fat, and really drink a ton. I have to see and smell these people to get a deep understanding that I don't have things that bad. You know these people just let themselves go always taking the easy way out. I know with fitness, diet, work, whatever...that there is no short cuts. Day in and day out I am willing to go through the pain to get better. I am looking forward to the challenge of the new job at work. I know what it takes to humble myself and to enjoy the process. I am really thinking about the normal person doesn't know what it's like to be hungry or to sacrifice to lose a pound here or there. It is grueling, but for the health and the deep character building I do it. When I get rejected by a girl, it is less painful than when I am done eating, but not satisfied and I force myself to work on a project to get through the time that I want to eat rice crispy treats until I satisfied. A dude just starting out in the weight loss game has to put up with so much grief. I remember beating myself up every day even when I was executing a diet with exercise. I felt like crap because the results weren't there. The real results are internal. You character build and you figure out what works for you. The progress is so slow you think there is no hope for you. That is why you just have to do it day in and day out and enjoy the process. I make affirmation statements like. "I am going to be patience with myself. There are changes going on with me so slow, I can't see them, I am doing this because I love the progress of growth and I love the character building it brings me."


Anyway. I am trying to get through the book. "Mastery" by Robert Greene and the book 7 Effective Habits by Steven Covey. Both of which I have been putting time and effort into. Both the books make me think. They also make me think of how much time I have on this earth and that I better practice patience and love as much as possible because I need to grow that shit!

Basically my day right now consists of me getting up. Praying on my knees. The heading to the gym. I am a bit nervous every day but I bare with it because it goes away. I try to thank God for the energy to go to the gym. I see fat people every day and I think that God has blessed me with the nervous energy to go to the gym. I don't mean to be mean, I just think I have a gift of not liking the way I look. It is a gift and it's rewards is that it makes me go to the gym and walk. Then halfway through my walk I loosen up and start feeling good. Endorphens, muscles relax, the thoughts that "Hey dude...you are productive as hell" start going through my mind.

Bad Mood continued

My bad mood continued until tonight. I know what to think about. I think about really unfortunate people and how my life is easy. I also think about this will pass. I also stress to myself. You mine as well do some work because it needs to be done anyway. So I went to the gym and walked and watched a bit of the KU game. I feel a bit better after I did some working out and now here I am. So much of life is

NOT
MAKING
THINGS
WORSE.

bad mood

Seems like 2 hours out of my day I am in a bad mood. I try my best not to say something that is mean. I also try to do my best not to fix the problem by eating or chugging pop. I pray and just try not to screw my life up until it passes. It always passes. When the bad mood is over I can just enjoy life and not to clean up the crap I did when I was in a bad mood.

Responsiblity

Responsibility.....the ability to respond to things. I woke up today and went for a little walk. I feel like crap in the mornings which is no surprise. I am not a morning person. I listened to Steven Covey and that is where I am at right now. I thought about writing more jokes down. A good comedian is probably watching the state of the union address and really breaking that down.

open mic comedy tonight

I did open microphone comedy tonight at stanford and sons. I am thankful for them for having open mic, and I want to always be grateful for a place to go to share my jokes. It went pretty well for me not doing it. I also did the painful thing of watching the video of myself tell the joke. It wasn't the worst thing on earth. I am pretty used to myself I guess. I also prayed for patience the entire night. Open Mic nights are brutal and long and I tried to add to the show and not be a little bitch all night.

Tuesday

Tuesday was one of those days that my mind just went down a rabbit hole into jokes and humor. I just let it go most of the time when it goes there. I create twitter posts, I write down jokes, I add comments to peoples facebook posts. For the most part it feels good and I know it only lasts for awhile. It is a bitter uncomfortable when I get in this mood, but overall it is way better than my depressed or bored mood. I know that I can cultivate my sense of humor at this point and see what is funny or not funny.

Comedy tonight

It is way easier this time around to handle the stress of trying to get microphone time. I am just trying to be humble and get my hours so I can be more funny day in and day out. Man I remember four years ago really being a work horse, but having a different attitude. Back then I wanted to be the funniest dude of all time but had no patience. I just want to get more funny day in and day out and I have faith I will still be pretty damn funny at that point. Also I need to practice getting thicker skin and having patience. That is probably what I really get out of doing open microphones. I get to see and be around entertaining and bad people.

Comedy sucks

I like doing comedy. The comedy part. The trying to get stage time sucks ass. You get paid nothing most of the for your time. I am calling right now trying to get some time at Stanfords, but of course they aren't answering.

Metephors and such

In life. It is not the outside things that control you. It is how you control yourself. When a person is barking at you when you are being a referee, it is not the barking. It is how you react to that. I have chosen to turn the other cheek method. Just ignore it and get some thicker skin. In the book by Steven Covey I am reading, he says....

"It is not the venom of the snake that kills you, it is the energy chasing that snake.

Robert Greene's Mastery

I am getting into the book Robert Greene Mastery. I am interested in getting better with people, and also being used to being under stress more. I can really map out my days and I think it would be good for me and others if I continue to learn and observe how to handle people to further my skills in the work force. One interesting thing is it says it takes 20,000 hours in a field or a subject for mastery. I read in Malcom Gladwell's outliers that it was 10,000.

I went to an AA meeting. That is good for staying sober and also to practice the skills of talking in front of people. Speaking loud and clear. Also being able to listen and not feel so uncomfortable when taking criticism.

books that I am getting through

Hockey game and teaching day.

Saturday was a very big teaching day. I know I have to get used to being stressed and being a solid person in the face of bull crap. On Saturday I had some unhappy coaches when I was a referee for seven hours of basketball. I could feel my heart rate go up and me wanting to either quit altogether or lash out at another person. I knew I just was best to keep my mouth shut and let the people venting vent. I have to remember that everyone fights their own battles and has some sort of stress release and not take it personally. It worked out as the people that were stressing me out and insulting me left after a couple games. The games later on the day were very good. There was one game that was very tough to ref because the girls played so hard. Lots of fouls and jump balls and I was actually surprised how intense it got. The crowd was very much into it and I didn't have the best game but I could see why sports is awesome because everyone in the building was locked on. There were lots of girls who got better at dribbling and most of them play solid defense. They still have five or six years until high school basketball so by then their skills should be really polished. I always think of things like in the book "Outliers". Life is about putting in 10,000 hours into a certain skill and these girls are getting some hours in on playing defense, passing, and shooting. So I felt better later in the day knowing that if I can just pray for patience and turn the other cheek during these experiences everyone seems to win. The mean people get to vent, I get money and experience, and the girls get the most out of their basketball.


Saturday night My dad, Molly, and the Byrdman went the the hockey game. We drove around forever, but I had some good laughs. It got my dad out to a hockey game which he had never been. Then Byrdman went out with me as a shamelessly hit on waitresses. It was a great day and I even won an Outback steakhouse free steak. It really all worked out well.

Friday

My parents, my sister, her boyfriend, and Cortland went out to eat yesterday. It was good. I made the choice to go home and rest because I am officiating today and going to the Mavricks hockey game at night. Yesterday Jason challenged me to "add to peoples lives" instead of taking from it. He said that as a joke, buy many a truth has been uttered in jokes. So I took action and actively tried to help people. I read where character,integrity, and giving is a foundation for success and I really try to have my behaviors be in line with that. Being selfish and greed can really screw up your life. I got through some of Steven Coveys book "habits of effective people" it is changing me as a person to really see if I can develop better skills.

Working through my bullcrap problems with approval from others.

Comedians are the worst people on earth. You could try to be friends with 1,000 of them and 1,000 would stab your back for a 15 minute spotlight. So when I am trying to see if a guy thinks something is funny. I expect the worst. There was a man who's set is polished and he is a pro. He included a like about Buzzard Beach in his comedy set. I have a photo of a Buzzard Joke in my facebook. So I showed him creepily by adding him as a friend and tagging him. I was telling myself. Well if he thinks I am a creep I am going to have to deal with it because I need to make connections and I need to get funnier because it's the only thing I really do well out. He "Liked" the photograph and that is where I am at right now. So it worked out.

Thursday

Thursday I listened to lots more Brian Tracy audio tapes and videos. I am not working much, so I try to ease my fears by at-least watching as many educational videos as possible. There are some mindsets that I agree with. I agree about how easy it is to spend money, but how hard it is to make money. People say to themselves "Oh well it is only money" when they spend money, but it is really more than just money. It is dicipline, sacrifice, and delayed gratification. Not that I apply any of my educational tapes very well, but I have it in my mind and maybe some day that will help. I was able to make it to the gym yesterday and walk a bit and do tricep pulldowns. I also did some push ups. Shana..one of my sisters friends wanted me to ride along to see my sister Sheree. I rode along in this Saturn that I thought was obviously going to carry me to my death, but it didn't. She bought me some wings. I am broke so any nurishment is fine by me. Sometimes my life can be good. Females picking me up and giving me hot wings. That is a good thing. About the Australian open. I am going to watch the Federor match today. It is choppy on my computer, but I am going to see if I can fix this problem.


Tonight is my sisters boyfriends birthday bash extraveganza. I plan on eating meat and not so many carbs..same as I have been doing. Tomorrow I have to remind myself to pace myself. I ref 9-4 and then I have the mavericks game to go to. I am excited to go to the game. I haven't been to many sports events since my loss of job and Sporting Kansas City winning the MLS championship.


I already missed doing an open mic. I guess I am ok with it. I am going to try to make every open mic I can because I have some good jokes I want to try.

Beef jerky is so expensive. Rappers should wear a bag of jerky on their necklace.

I also have been working on a WWI joke where black people avoid trench foot because they are all wearing Timberlands.

I ate with the Byrdman. He wore a chiefs pull over. It was off the chain.

Thursday

Yesterdays titanic effort to go to a comedy show and shut the hell up and just observe started to really sink in today. I really understand how hard to you have to zig zag in a joke to get a laugh....like.......Trench Coat.....Criminal history.....cross eyes......Reffing 1st grade girls basketball.


I met with Byrdman today. He seemed in good spirits. I was late because I filled up my jeep with petrol.

I am listening to Bryan Tracey. I talkes about "Don't get out of line" which means don't give up what you are doing "choose another like" because your line is moving too slow. I can so relate. I move from comedy, to sports, to business and never make ground because I am bouncing around. I don't know if I will ever develop the skill to just hit one skill and grow skill over and over.

Thursday

I am going to meet up with Byrdman today. Should be fun. Other than that. Not much planned for today. I am going to try to get through some more books, mp3's, or audio books.

Full Day

I worked out. Went to an AA meeting. Voiced my experience at an AA meeting. I called some people and I was just trying to make connections to play guitar again. I drove back to St. Joseph to play guitar with my friend scott. My mom was watching Ellen and having a good time. I then went to the IMPROV to watch a comedy show. The people are so freaking good. I mean the guys who less than a year in the comedy game. It was a great show and I think that will help me feel better in the next couple days. Tuesday was a shit day for me, but today was better. I need to play more guitar and write more jokes. I just am having a crappy time with all this time on my hands. There was a styx song called too much time on my hands. I don't really want to resort to making a styx song.

Writing jokes and MS PAINT stuff

I've been trying not to censor myself lately because the people who don't like my facebook posts need to block my feed, and the people who like my jokes really like my jokes. So I am letting nature sort out the good in the bad. I am feeling good about my work today. I am listening to lots of workshops about comedy on you tube. I don't particularly like Louie Anderson, but he has been in the comedy game along time.

Surprise and double entondre?

This is how you get people to laugh. That is why using sexual jokes is so great. They don't expect it after hearing the same safe bull crap all day.

New Joke idea

I was around a 3 year old female the other day. She didn't know me, she had a juice and snacks in her hand. She looked around the room and decided. Yep this is a man, he holds my stuff. She she shoved her snacks onto me. Like a dog fetching a stick . I automatically put out my arms like..Yeep. This is what I do...I hold stuff. Because it is my DNA to hold a woman's stuff. At this point I realized this is nature at work. It's not like a woman sits down and says..now this person has a dick, so hand him your cliff bar and naked juice. Nope it is just like practice for the day "I am on my period and I need to try on jeans...here hold this before I get pissed off" You don't want me pissed off because I won't tell you why I am pissed off until I explode in a volcano of emotions in front of your boys at the VFW.

Pioli era was so bad. I would wear a chiefs jacket and old jewish people would hug me and whisper "it will be ok" in herbrew.

Tuesday

Tuesday was tough because I am bored, but I am trying to do decent non expensive things with my time. I went for a walk, I listened to Brian Tracy, Brian Tracy is a writer and business guru. I played video games. I shot basketballs. I went out and played the Metallica pinball machine. I am used to playing on crappy pinball machines. Metallica's pinball machine is made by a new company I have never heard of. It is crazy hard to play, but the board is nice. I often think about trying to get one more person for me to be involved with. My buddy Ryan Mac is cool, but whenever I open myself up to a new relationship for sports, music, comedy, it just seems like it comes with all this bull crap than what is worth. So my plan the next couple weeks is to try to make it to the Mavericks game this weekend. Don't spend a ton of money, and stay out of trouble.

Richard Pryor

I watched an old video of Richard Pryor...these are my thoughts. This dude was mentally messed up. He caught himself on fire smoking crack, and he shot his car with a gun at one time. He was horrible to work with on set and he had very racist jokes. He obviously dominated in comedy. He still made me laugh within a couple minutes of watching him. He really does impersonations well and he throws the audience so far off the scent of where his joke is going they can't help to laugh. I can't believe they used to show him on HBO. Man he was crazy.

Saturday and Sunday

I don't remember much about Saturday other than I played a ref for the Y for along time. I blew two calls that I know of. No one got real upset with me. That is a step in the right direction. My ultimate Sporting Kansas City fans Laura and Molly met me out at Starbucks with Jason for some coffee. We had some laughs. We watched a show called something or other about these English kids. Sunday I woke up and I was not feeling good about sitting in the APT all day. I drove back to my parents and did laundry. Somewhat cleaned out my trash basket that has been in my jeep. I went to the park with one of sheree's friends. It was beautiful out on Sunday. I walked two miles on the treadmill and I also walked up at the park. It was an above average day for walking. I then drove back to Lenexa and drank coffee at the black dog and then wrapped up the night watching football. My was pretty good today.

I was also productive walking on a treadmill and watching Manchester United lose. Manchester United is a real dumpster fire this year. I watched Aussie open tennis as well today.

blah

Yesterday was one of the more stressful days I have had in the last couple years. I was surprised. I am around people that know me and I am experienced in riding out stressful events. Its all good though. I am honest with people and people are so nice to me these days. I talked to Sgt Matt yesterday. I hope I can get some paychecks together to buy an xbone. I want to play online with him someday. Jason and I have to start making money or we won't be able to watch NASCAR and the Royals. I feel better today as I look around my face book people are going through cancer and real type of stuff so I can't feel to down. I ref today at 12:45 PM and KU plays at 3. I hope to be better as a ref than I was last week. My other friend matt the engineer said my face looks skinny. I tried enjoy that.comment as much as possible since I haven't eaten chips or cookies in 36 days. Also haven't eaten cake which includes birthday cake. So yeah I take any victory in weight loss seriously since I sacrificed my own birthday cake.

Friday

Thursday I worked out. Friday is here. Sent a message to my dad to see if I can cash some bonds. I have a job lined up for next month, but don't have the money for my jeep payment. I am going to continue to look for side work or to sell some more things to see if I can't get to at-least an amount that I am not worried about.

Workout for today

It was nice enough outside today for another 2 mile walk. I also did 4 set of fly's and 4 sets of tricep pulldowns today.

Joel Embid and Austrian open.

Joel Embid is a great center. 7-foot big men who can move well are few and far between. I have tried to keep up with the Aussie open. I hope Federer can win a couple matches, but the word on the street is he will be bounced like a pogo-ball early on.

I am having deja-vu today. I washed my jeep. It still had some crap on it because it was salty. I bought food. Went to a meeting. I plan on talking to Jason more because I need to be more chatty for the new job and job meetings. I played a crapload of an old video game "Grand Theft Auto San Andreas" The game and map are huge. My old xbox games play in xbox 360 system and sometimes I play them. I am going real deep into this game because I have time. It is quite enjoyable and I am playing with no cheats. So every time I get a new gun in the game it actually means something because I am playing without cheats.

I have been watching this guy named Elliot Hulse who has his mind game figured out. He is ripped, followed by a bunch of people, he really preaches to invest in your character and your strength first. So did Jesus..he quotes Jesus a bunch. Anyway I don't spend all my time playing video games. I watch Elliot Hulse videos and I have been doing a meditation called The Silva Method One of my buddies Travis has been working on meditation, so I figure I might try to connect more. I really have a way better life because I have worked on clearing my mind and I have worked on "staying where my hands are" that means just stay within today and be present. Sometimes especially when I wake up my mind tries to put me in fear. I have to go through a process to figure out what I am scared of and I take action and do some prayers to work through it. I try to never let fear of what people think of me, or fear of the unknown cripple my ability to take action.

I was able to go for a 2 mile walk today. It was very enjoyable. The air was cold and crisp. I have worked my ass off to make sure I have a decent routine going. I have a good route to walk that I have spent hours and I am comfortable with. I realized today how much pain there is adjusting to a new place to walk. So many unknown variables for a new route. How loud is it, are the sidewalks sucky...luckily I realized in the moment that I have been blessed with an insane amount of time on the same walking pattern and that makes it more enjoyable.


Jason makes me proud sometimes. I am thankful he provides delicious coffee, deer meat, and our front room looks good. He asked a girl out the other day and it is nice to be around someone with some balls. He also does lots of service work and he has come along way in a couple years. Like I was telling him earlier....it's mostly about life skills at this point. I feel like God put the new job in my life so I can cultivate my skills in opening people up in conversation and of course I need to get used to being under more stress. I understand it is all apart of my progress and life is practice. Right now I am in fear sometimes, but not stressed like I was in college, or my first couple years in a real job, or not even close towards the end of my drinking and grinding days. Long story short it is weird when I do get stressed, but luckily I can self-talk myself through it. Be quick but don't hurry is a phrase I often say. Work hard and stay focused is also what I say as well. More often than not I have to tell myself that stress is positive. I am not saying like stressed out to the max, but a manageable amount of stress where I am doing positive actions is a good thing.

Goals and other stuff. I always write out that I want to make 6 figures one time in my life. I would be happy if I made 50,000k because you have to walk before you can run.

I always want to build and explore my relationships with my friends. I am not talking sexually you pervs. I feel like I am aware how much inspiration I get from my friends and how I learn from them. A huge step in my development was actually thinking of someone else and gathering myself before I hang out with my roomate. I always strive to be patient, understanding, caring, respectful, tolerant. I hate it when I think I know what is best for someone. People have their own journeys and whatever people do is their business. No one ever changes from my suggestions anyway.

Random stuff

Yesterday when I was working we had a trainer. This lady was skilled and seasoned. If I gave a talk today for every day for 10 years, I would still be behind this lady. It was pretty awesome what hard work, effort, and time can do for you. I learned plenty and I also had some skills and experience to tell people about. 1 out of 10 people are just going to be closed down and rude to you. You have to change your focus on what you are doing so that you can practice patience and be a good worker. I have developed the skill of just trying to bring the focus on my actions and body language and not let people get me down. It can always get better, but I know that working so long at jobs were there were tons of unpleasent people has given me a way to cope. I also have been shutdown, disrespected, made fun of all my life. Long story short I felt good telling people about what I have gone through and what my focus is during life. I could tell by peoples reactions that it really hit home. At this job I am around kids, and you want to act good because kids can pickup on who is a mean person.

Wednesday

I washed my jeep, bought some food, bought some soda. The jeep doesn't look clean because it had more salt than a Vinnie made margarita.

Tuesday

Tuesday. I played video games. Went to the park. I worked from 6:00 to 9:30 pm. I learned. I paid attention. I tried to share my knowledge of how to treat someone who is hard to be with day in and day out. I was productive. Ate some deer sausage and now I am calling it a day.

I had a pull-out joke on facebook. Back to back day quality jokes.

Tuesday

I watched KU with guys yesterday. I walked 2.2 miles on Tuesday. I have a meeting for training with the Y yesterday.

my journal has one theme 10,000 hours to mastery

facebook post

I choose who files my taxes based on which company can dress up like the statue of liberty and do the "Peanut butter jelly time dance" the best.

Saturday night

Saturday night I was contend to play video games and watch football. Jason's TV is very nice. We don't have cable but we have 10 channels of which football is almost always on. We go up to black dog. It is packed. I see some people I know and there and I have fun. I had been getting retweets from a girl I used to like. "Red" So I thought that was weird. She then wanted me to go out downtown. She can be unpredictable, but I have nothing going on...I go out downtown. I take the chance to make sure I get out and talk to people. I haven't had a job so I feel guilty about going out, so this is a chance to talk to people and have a good time. I talk to quality girls and guys. People that are very fun. A band from my youth named Pomeroy has always stuck with me through the years. It turns out Pomeroy's front and drummer playing in this cover band "Lost Wax" they were good. Anyway Red Shows up and we have like a big riff session (That is code for adding on to random jokes and being silly) she watches Happy Endings obsessively so that is how her humor is. It went well I talked to five chicks. I got destroyed by two chicks. It didn't even phase my night. I will try to write out some funny parts.

At Buzzard Beach

Bartender:Just a diet coke? You driving?
Ray: yep
Bartender:Oh you are such a nice guy
Ray: *at the top of my lungs* and ****able
Girls around me laugh and the bartender laughs
and adds on to the joke...

After talking to Red for awhile I go..."Well I am out of Material.....Girl why don't you back that azz up, also whats going on down there (I put to her womb area) Someone needs to knock the dust off that"

I also liked this Alt-Hot-Racecar girl and she was there running around and I thought about trying to talk to her but she seems to not be interested in even being friends, so I let her be. The whole night was one of the best nights I can recall. I love Red, her brother, and the random people she brings out. They are very fun.

oh and also

Our final game got canceled because the coaches smelt natural gas. What a weird day.

ref

My first day being ref. Girls basketball is not predictable, but fun. I was the head honcho the first day. It was alright. If you mess up you hear about it quickly. Fast feedback as we would say in business.

Small things count

I went to Hy-Vee today and got some turkey cuts and some sausage. I wanted to make sure I had low carb food for when I got hungry. I have noticed a smaller waste and I have had two people comment on my weight loss. Jason keeps having bread and stuff around the apt, but I can't eat it. I can eat his deer meat though. nom nom nom

Friday and Saturday

Friday I have a headache. I have to fill out background checks for this company. I also have to get to know the rules for reffing tomorrow. Also my dental insurance company sucks and I have to figure that out as well.

Tressa

My friend Tressa acknowledged that I lost weight yesterday. That made me feel good.

Random thoughts

I had some fun this summer really grinding out and playing the bass. The thing I learned though is there are some people out there who just have it worse than me. I can help most people, but there is a certain point where I have to draw a line and enforce the boundary. Like if a person is around you keeps calling in sick to work and then ask you for money, screw'em. I know it is better to give than to get. I know Jesus was all like "help people yo" but sometimes enough is enough. Also if you loan someone power tools don't expect them back.

Thursday night

Thursday night Jason and I went to Black Dog. I had a good long talk to my friend Sean. He is really a great music guy. He seemed like he had his crap together. I went to a comedy show after that. It was lame as hell and I left after a half and hour. I tried to get people to go to this comedy show and it would have been fun to have people go, but by myself I wasn't in the mood to yuk it up. I drove home and I was trying to stay positive about the night and not wreck my jeep in frustration. I was able to get the Jeep home in one piece and now I am enjoying Sublime/w Rome. Speaking of Rome, how about Bradley coming from AS ROMA to Toronto FC.


I am glad I moved in with Jason. It is worth it to have coffee, deer meat, and today I was able to him with some unfounded fears I was having. I can take my emotions to Raymond or Bryce as well, but having a person right there that I can talk out my fears with is easier and less suffering from fear, ego, anger, goes on when a dude is right there. Also we got a nice little movie watching party going on. We watched that Tom Hanks movie where he is on a ship and Mini Manute Bol's try to take over his ship.

Workout Thursday

Triceps and 1.3 miles...another light day. I just don't have the gusto to really do a crushing workout in the gym and deal with the possible over training I suffered last monday. I am sure one of these days I will forget how bad over-training sucks and I will crush a 2 hour workout.

Random thoughts.

Picked up my guitar today after a month or more off. I suck....I don't really enjoy playing right now because I burned myself out. My fingers hurt, and I love guitar, but I almost want to puke at the idea of sitting down and playing. Eventually I would like to play guitar more, learn spanish, not suck.


My brooks brothers pants fit today. While everyone else got fat over christmas I atleast stayed the same.


I asked for constructive criticism and I am willing to go through the stress to get better and be a better person.

Jason and I watched Archer today. He hates cartoons, but Archer is too damn funny not to like.

Wednesday

I woke up and went to an interview. I sat outside the interview office for awhile because I got there an hour early. Some lady thought I looked like I was from England. The interview seemed to go o.k. I asked the interview guy if I could do anything different. He didn't mention anything. So I don't know if that is bad or good. I went to the YMCA and filled out other information to get on their payroll. That seemed to be ok as well. I walked for 1.2 miles and I was able to do lat pull downs.

Jeep

Got my oil changed today. My low tire light was on, but as I figured it was probably because it was -30 out yesterday. I am watching Glory right now. Denzel Washington and Morgan Freeman are awesome actors. I went to the gym and did upright rows and walked 1.3 miles. I have been going easy because I am spending more my energy trying to get crap together to make money.

Wild Bill

Yesterday Jason and I watched Wild Bill. It was an English film and it was tough to understand. The plot was a bit tired, but the acting was excellent and it had some cool scenes. I would give it a B overall.

Tuesday

Filled out an questionnaire for All-State today. I wasn't qualified and it didn't even let me finish the questionnaire because I didn't qualify. The important thing is that I tried. Tomorrow I have an interview and then I have to fill out some information for being a referee at the Y.

cake whitmans and cookies.

I was able to avoid car, Whitman's chocolate, and cookies today. So if I ever get down to a good weight I can point to days like today when sacrifice yum stuff for gains or loses in my body.

Monday

I applied for more jobs. I asked my dad about cashing in some bonds to get through next month if nessessary. I went for a walk and I did bicep workouts. I met a guy named Cole and I went to the hospital to drop off my resume. It was a productive day.

Rome w/ Sublime

I am making my way through Rome w/Sublimes album from a couple years ago. It is a .Flac file which is high quality. It is an easy listen. Trying to get Rome really does have a good voice.

KU

Today was a struggle to keep busy. I was pretty bored and uninterested with everything. It was a challenge not to 1:) buy something 2:) spend money. I challenged myself to get to the gym and swim a bit, do triceps, and walk a bit. I ended up spending money on coffee, but it could have been worse. I had meatballs and a TV Dinner so my carbs were low today. So I had a good day and it couldn't have been worse.

Sunday

Swam for a bit. Hot tub for awhile and bench press.

reaper16 music list.

30. The Knife – Shaking the Habitual
29. Rittz – The Life and Times of Jonny Valiant
28. The National – Trouble Will Find Me
27. Arcade Fire – Reflektor
26. Chvrches - The Bones of What You Believe
25. Ces Cru - Constant Energy Struggles
24. DGM – Momentum
23. Action Bronson – Blue Chips 2
22. Kvelertak – Meir
21. A$AP Rocky – Long Live A$AP
20. Brandy Clark – 12 Stories
19. Mr. Motherfuckin eXquire – Kismet
18. Death Grips – Government Plates
17. ST 2 Lettaz – The G…Growth & Development
16. Ayreon – The Theory of Everything
15. Kacey Musgraves – Same Trailer, Different Park
14. Magic Circle – Magic Circle
13. Gorguts – Colored Sands
12. Beyonce – Beyonce
11. Daft Punk – Random Access Memories
10. Haim – Days Are Gone
09. Pusha T – My Name Is My Name
08. Dessa – Parts of Speech
07. Danny Brown – Old
06. Deafheaven – Sunbather
05. El-P & Killer Mike – Run the Jewels
04. Jason Isbell – Southeastern
03. Rokia Traore – Beautiful Africa
02. Kanye West – Yeezus
01. Janelle Monae – The Electric Lady

Pretty pissed at the chiefs

I did some laundry today. I avoided the chiefs game. They truly a sad sack pack of assholes in the playoffs. They jumped out to a huge lead and of course blew it. Pissed me off. I was able to get some Laundry done. I walked a mile and I did biceps. I did way better with low carb today. Meatballs and sausage, some seeds. My guess is I might have gone below 20 grams of carbs today. Much better than the apple disaster of yesterday.

Friday

Thursday Birdman and I met up at Mcdonalds to McCatch up on each others lives. It feels good to try to keep friendships going or even growing stronger. I watched Mizzou later on that night. I ate delicious wings. Mizzou won. I wasn't on Mizzou's band wagon all year, but they have done an awesome job of Recruiting and they are fun to watch. My friend Matt the Bridge Builder came over at midnight and he spun yarn for 3 hours on buildings. It was very interesting, and a good conversation is something I really like. Byrdman and I have long conversations, so this guy is another one that I can just sit there find entertainment. He brought Diet Pibb which was delicious as well.

Christ I am becoming an Adult and stuff

I have had three calls for interviews and jobs. I felt like I wanted to just try for the job I wanted to and not even talk to the other ones. I then told myself..well call the ones but don't say you have another job you are looking at. In the end "The Truth will set you free, and I explained what I was looking for and where I was at with other jobs" Sounds so simple, but it is just not in my DNA to be open with people. I think somewhere along the like I was hurt by telling the truth so that is why I want to keep stuff close to me.

Mizzou win

Mizzou won. I ate meatballs...a low carb tv dinner and chicken for supper. I would have had an awesome day low carb, but I had a bunch of apples before bed. Oops. Apples are 25 grams of carbs. Holy shit...lesson learned. I should have known that anything that tastes good sucks. I have created my own Meat prison.

This shit wouldn't happen in Canada

Today I was struggling to pay my premium to Coventry Health care. Now in Canada I heard a soapy moose comes to your door to deliver you your insurance membership ID card. I spent 2 hours on the phone trying to get my crap paid for and get a member ID. I was able to pay money (Of course they were willing to take my money, but were slow with actual customer service). So now I did everything I could to have insurance just in case I fall on the ice and get brokus Dickis (broke dick). Chiefs this weekend and Mizzou tonight.

New Years

I watched the MLS final with my dad in Spanish. Still gives me goose bumps. I also watched UCF vs Baylor. We also watched Michigan State and Stanford. Good games.

Got to lift in the dungeon today. It felt good to lift at an old school place. I didn't go big just kept my form and strength up. I also walked two miles. I was able to watch a couple football games with my dad. It was snowing pretty hard. A good start to the New Years. It was fun to hang out with my mom. She loves Dr. OZ that is for sure. My dad walked for 20 minutes. He got a good pump in.