Monday

I was able to work today. I finished up a Month and I started out at the very bottom of the employee rankings after a bad call and ended up on the lower end of the middle of the pack. I will take it considering that it is my second month. I just need to work hard everyday. 80% of days are normal. 10% of days you just have to give your credit of showing up, then there are those one days were you feel good and you really have to push yourself.
I was pretty productive today. I went to the gym and walked 1.3 miles, went to work, washed the jeep, paid rent, listened to the Royals lose, it was beautiful out today. I am starting to deal with anxiety a bit better. I was really wound up tonight but I was able to see how much stuff I got done today and I know that anyone would feel a bit overwhelmed. I got home and I was cool to Jason and Sarah. I am thinking about hanging out outside for awhile.

The Royals lost. You have to score 5 runs or more in the American league.

Monday

Opening day today. No more snow please? That would be swell. I went to meet with Byrdman for coffee that went well. I shaved hair off my face. Vacuumed my room and now I am chilling for an hour. I am going to pay rent today which means one more great month in lenexa. Which means one more month not in St. Joseph. Yay.

Sunday

Happy Birthday mom. Went to a Mexican place with the family. Andrea picked out a smelly rock box for my mom. It was a fun time. Ben (My sisters boyfriend) offered a fair amount of laughs. I drove back to Lenexa ummm I ate peanut butter in my jeep which sorely needs to be cleaned out. My jeep looks like a bomb of sunflower seeds and peanut butter went off, which is by the way not what the taliban uses in Afganistan. Work was ok. Some guy at work wanted me to riff jokes with him. He is 19 and I saw him at Stanford and Sons. He has a non alarming face and attitude...he has a baby face. Long story short ( I guess I say this alot) long story short (I said it again) I was grateful for someone at-least talking comedy with me. I also got to talk a bit with my sister and Ben about "The Power of Habit" A book that I am getting through on my Zune. The interesting part of the book is how Target knows if ladies are preggers so they can market towards them by mailing coupons and stuff.

Sporting Kc was awesome yesterday, I didn't get to see them but I guess Dom Dwyer is off the chain.

Life is short Sell hard.

Yesterday I worked with my supervisor to get better at my job. It was a struggle, but the night shift allows me a chance to ask more questions and really study people to get better. I have goals of being a supervisor and working myself up a company. Also building skills is important. Lots of times I think I know it all. I have to use an aside prayer to really open mind up.


God please set aside what I think I know about Sports, work, people, life, skills, whatever I think I know let me set it aside so I can learn new skills and new things without getting myself in the way.


I didn't sleep well today. I got up and went for a 2-mile walk. It was cold but felt pretty good. Today before I work I plan on playing Grand Theft Auto watch some soccer and just enjoy myself. I am listening to Red Hot Chilli Peppers right now. I remember going to the Red Hot Chili Peppers last year with my friend "The Byrdman" it was a good time.

Friday

I moved my gaming chair to a desk chair. That seemed to be more comfortable for playing grand theft V.


Hello! Yesterday I went to my friends house to take a meeting to. He had hip replacement then his hip broke under the stress of the rods that were place. He was in good spirits and his luxury apartment was off the chain. I then went and hung out with Andrea. We watched FreeBirds which was a weird movie. I fell asleep because it was a tiresome day fulled with trips back and forth from the library.

Thursday

Thursday I walked 3 miles total. I went to the Library twice. Their internet and computers are fast. I am listening to music right now and blogging. Jason bought me a coffee. We are taking a meeting to a buddy of mine who had hip replacement tonight. I am not looking forward, but it is important that I need to have an open mind. I need to always forget what I think I know about situations and just do my best to be of service for other people. That helps me divorce myself from self-pity and self-seeking behavior that annoys the hell out of myself. I ate too much today which doesn't happen as much as it used too. I can tell most of the time when I am making myself sick, but today I had no where to go because I have today off and work through the weekend. So anyway I ate to much and I went through my day with this horrible feeling in my stomach.

Gratitude List...these are the things I am thankful for.

My parents sent me to a decent High School, set me up to go to college.

I am thankful for running water and warm showers.
I am thankful for my friends. Bryce and Vinnie are great friends. I love talking NBA with Vinnie. I am thankful for Music especially spiritual songs

Waiting in Vain-Bob Marley
Sun is Shining- Bob Marley
Stormtrooper-Pepper
Ocean Breathes Salty-Modest Mouse.

I am Thankful for the Johnson County Library and their blazing internet speed.

Jason

Jason did a great job with our front room. My old apartment looked like crap. I am taking time out to acknowledge how good the front room looks.

Random big 12 party photo

Random picture of the morning

My mom paying pop-a-shot at Nascar

Woke Up Thursday

Woke up Thursday went to 24 hour fitness. I listened to Bob Marley. I then came home and refolded my pants. My pants and my closet in general always looks bad. I need to get some of my clothes out of my closet that I don't wear.

Grand Theft Auto V update

I was able to play a couple missions today. Great game. I get somewhat uneasy for longer play than 30 minutes of a time, but I still want to make sure I take time out of my day to enjoy video games.

Wednesday

Wednesday morning I woke up and went for a 2 mile walk. It was a bit cold but it was good for me. It was very quite in the morning. At work I went from being the last on the ranker board to lower mid pack, which is a miracle from where I started. I made two customers laugh yesterday which is important because I become very stiff for fear of saying something offensive, but I have learned that if there is a chance to make a customer laugh and it is clean, I need to really snipe that joke because that makes the experience memorable. I felt good on my walk today, sometimes I have this giant internal conflict going on between the things that I would like to be seen done, anyway I was thankful today I could quiet the voices for awhile just to enjoy the peaceful walk. Later on I am then thinking about walking some more, but I have held back walking or running a whole ton because I save some of my energy for work. That reminds me, I have to acknowledge how much my thoughts and my actions revolve around getting to work on time and looking decent. I have had chances to go to concerts or going out for coffee, but I am scared that I will be late or miss work. So when I do show up to work on time and prepared I have to find ways to give myself credit since it is very important to me.


I love pinball machines. The AC/DC pinball machine is one of my favorites of all time, it has a very awesome look, it looks clean and bright and of course plays ac/dc when you are playing. Also there is a giant bell that if you hit the bell it goes DONNNGGGG and starts playing the Hells Bells multiball.


The Royals should have a decent team. Jason came in talking about the Royals. It is almost time for the "Beating the dead horse" of analyzing the Royals...that we do at black dog.

Grand Theft Auto 5

I know I am in a decent mood when I can sit down and play video games without feeling all restless. I played grand theft auto 5 today. It had a rotweiler in it where you can sick the puppy on people. Pretty funny and fun game.

The Power of Habit

My sister Sheree talked about the Power of Habit by Charles Dungig...So I got that loaded up on my zune to really hammer down in my mind.

Tuesday

Tuesday I woke up and I had a sense of "hey I am not so bad at all!" Probably because I go to work and try to really provide value to this world. I actively cultivate my patience and I work on trying to be nice to all. It is important for me even when dealing with negativity to treat people kindly and it is important when people are trying to "Hook" me into a fight or into being negative to stay positive. Then if I am able to stay positive I write it on my hand what I did good so I have a constant reminder that I am getting better and that I did something right. As a person who can't see the forrest from the trees I often feel bad about myself without even acknowledging how much I do in the day that is positive.


Whew...ok after that is out of my system. Tuesday I woke up feeling good. I went for a Two Mile walk. I acknowledged that walking is the most productive thing I can do at any point of time. It is a way to breathe, work out some anxiety, and also a chance to work off those meat sticks I am so found of. It felt good but it was cold out. Today I plan on going to work and I have to also take a peek at the Royals schedule. I also got my dental situation fixed yesterday. Long story short I got billed when I had antena. I did a good job staying calm because I paid 400 bucks one month to stay covered with all my insurance while I was transitioning to healthcare.gov. That really sucked but I always have faith that if I do the right thing I can have peace in my mind so I can still go out and face the world.

I was able to get the Newest Meg Smith album. She reminds me somewhat of the lead singer from Garbage and also several other female lead groups all of which I really like. I really like Metric, Joy formitable, and now meg smith. They are all sexy as hell and I wouldn't mind hanging out with them at black dog.

so

So I have this habit on the last day of the work week or even back in my schoolin days of just throwing my important stuff around and forgetting about it until right before work and school. I did that today with my work badge. I had to back track so many times but eventually I found it. Work was ok tonight. I showed up on time with clean clothes. Miracles do happen!

I went for a walk after work at 24 hour fitness 22 minutes of walking.

March Madness

On Sunday I woke up. I had some anxiety, but not as much as I sometimes have on Sundays. I decided to forgo any early morning video games for a trip for St. Joseph. I think a weight was lifted off of me because I wanted to see Sporting play in person really bad to kick off the year. Now that I got that accomplished I can relax a bit on my goals. I got to St. Joseph and after an early debate on if I should stop off and try out 101 flavors of coke at burger king I decided I should go to my parents house and do laundry. My mom was awake watching a great Judith Light movie on lifetime, my dad was downstairs. I walked on the treadmill while my dad played the new Beck album on a good soundsystem. I didn't want to watch TV yet because I knew my eyeballs were in for 6 hours of sports. The games we watched ranged from awful to awesome. The KU game was bad showing of passing. The Wichita State game was amazing to watch. I am sad they lost, but it was great to watch. Nascar had a thrilling finish as well. Rowdy Kyle Busch won the race in which all the tires started to blow out towards the end. After that was over I finished up Laundry and went down to Andrea's were we watched Rush. We also went to a meeting which was pretty good. I liked the part where we discussed "it isn't important why we are angry, but the actions we take to deal with anger. I know for me I can get mad at silly things like a Funyons bag that has less Funyons in there than I expect. I was in the mood to watch a cartoon, but I was even more in the mood to watch a racing movie. It was a good movie with some flaws, but it was good enough to hold my attention. I think that says how good a movie is if I can stick with it all the way through it must be pretty good. Yesterday was one of those days I wish didn't end, everything was coming up 7's on my slot machine of life. I am glad my dad has that huge TV with good sound because sports is my main hobby and to watch the drama unfold in a sports game gives me a great break from the grind of paying taxes and doing other grind-like things in life.


Sporting KC got a win on Saturday without Besler, Myers, Bieler, Rossell, and with CJ off the bench. That is when you know your team is deep.

KU loses

I went up to St. Joseph on Sunday. I had a great job watching nascar, KU losing, Wichita State, UFC. I missed sports so much. It is a great way to spend the day.

Sunday

My dad put on some Beck while I walked on the treadmill. It is nice to listen to that album on a good sound system. I love walking and listen to music.

Saturday

Saturday I ended up walking 4 miles in total. It was a very good day for walking. I also watched some hoops. I got some chicken from Hy-vee and watched some sports. Jason, Sarah, and I hung out for awhile. I then went to Sporting Park to watch sporting kc. My dad and I went to Arthur Bryants to eat some food. It was very good. Sausage, pulled pork, hot beef. I talked to some people from Minnisota. I talked about BBQ for along time. I felt bad for talking Oklahoma Joe's inside of Arthur Bryants, but oh well. Maybe it will make Arthur Bryants step up their game.

eating salad sucks

Yesterday I couldn't sleep for the second day in a row. I woke up and went for a 2 mile walk. It was good, at the end it got really cold. I washed my sheets hoping maybe cleaning them would make them a bit more comfortable. I fell asleep on a bare bed. I really have a craving for sweets today, which is rare. I am eating a salad instead. It sucks. I feel like a rabbit in jail eating jail rabbit food.

Friday and Saturday morning

Friday I spent the night working. I went through tons of coffee. Later on this month I have a stretch where I work 6 days in a row. If I spend lots of time on this it can upset me. I try to write out gratitude lists and ask myself questions to which I have to give positive answers to. When I ask myself what I am thankful for it is always the same thing. I thank God for toilets so it can wisk away waste so we don't get sick. I thank god for delicious meat. I thank God that Sporting KC won the MLS championship. I thank God for my parents, being sober, being low-carb, and just being healthy.


Heyyyyy so I didn't cancel my radio subscription for MLB.TV....and I am listening to the Dodgers opening day In Australia. So that is kind of cool.

Friday

I didn't sleep yesterday. I woke up today and I was able to go for a 2 mile walk. It was pretty nice. I then downloaded the new Beck Album. It is a stunning piece of work. I tried to listen to 96.5 the buzz as I am really behind on what is hot in music right now. I watched Duke lose. I went to a meeting with Jason. I printed off the tickets for Sporting KC tomorrow. Saturday Sporting KC plays San Jose at 7:30 PM I am already getting ready for the game tomorrow. Sporting KC is better than they have shown early on this season. Dom Dwyer is a very good striker, Zusi is the best in America at his position, the rest of the team is above average. Hopefully they get back on track tomorrow.


Matt, Ryan, Jason and I were at a meeting at noon. It felt like old times. Matt is a funny engineer.


I once saw this ROWING coach that said this. 80% of your days are going to go O.K. 10% are going to suck. when they suck just show up do your work and give yourself credit for showing up 10% of your days you are going to feel good. In those days promise me that you will work hard as possible. I felt a bit like the TOP 10% yesterday. I actually felt good enough to cultivate my patience, my sales, and just overall a better worker.


I am able to listen to more music as of late and I think that is a real blessing. Music is always my soothing go to piece of meditation, but I also make an effort to come across new artists. Sometimes the new artists inspire me or make me feel different.

Concert Season.

Some concerts that I am interested in. Queens of the Stone Age & Primus Tuesday, May 13th

Arcade Fire Saturday April 26th

Friday

I went for a walk after work. Then came home and was mindful that it is fish friday. I had pickles and veggies after work. My walk was pretty good. I feel gross after being at work all day and then going for a walk. Oh well.

Thursday

Thursday I woke up and visited Raymond at work. I then helped move couches and things out of an old lady that I know's house. I got cat hair all over me, but I am glad I did the work. I am watching some hoops right now and blogging.

Outcome independent

I don't know how many more ways I can tell myself that I need to do work and not try to control outcomes. I need to work until my eyes fall out and do my job then let the universe/GOD do HIS/HER job. I always think that worrying and having fear helps situations, but it doesn't. I just really had this on my mind today as I really have a lack of faith sometimes that the universe will give me a fair shake even if I work hard. I just have to remember to do GOOD work and be GOOD to people and everything else will be O.K.

SPORTING KC GOT KILLED. I went for a small walk after work at 24 hour fitness. It went well.

Wednesday

Wednesday I was surprisingly productive. I did laundry. I bought some food at Hy-Vee. I got fish for fish fridays. I got my room set up so it isn't a complete crap pile for when I come home from work. I played some Grand Theft Auto V. I am not always in a good enough mood to enjoy video games, but today I was. I finished Public Enemy's. I am a great guy at never watching a full movie. It took me three attempts to get through Public Enemy's. I give it a solid B. Sporting KC plays in Mexico tonight. Viva La SKC.

Grandpa and Swope and the Braves.

My grandpa watched the Braves and boxing. That led me to watch the braves and boxing. He lived with us and I would steal his cookies and quarters to go play street fighter II down at green hills. Those were good times. I really liked how he lived with us so the TV would be up loud as shit so I would be in bed and I would hear the monologue from The Tonight show. I remember Johnny Carson but I think when I was actually in the same room with my Grandpa it was the beginning of the Leno Era. Brian Swope also loved the Braves. Brian swope was a good baseball player. One time they had these try outs for Major Pony which was the best of the best and I think swope didn't have to do anything he just showed up and they were like "OH DISSS GUY IS GOOD" The point being is I really have a fond memory of the braves because they were so awful, but they were the only game on most of the time. Random memory alert..

Smithville Lake...in a camper...Royals playing the Cleveland indians and Gerrold Perry getting a hit for the Royals.

New Years 2011 LOL

I really sugar coated the way New Years 2011 went. I went through randomly and wrote down what happened on New Years 2011. I did go to the KU game that day. I remember the dunk by a North Dakota player. I was all butt-hurt because this girl that kinda sucks didn't like me back. I had to listen to her whine about how she almost killed herself on KU's campus. I was pretty emotionally attached to this lady and just an overall immature person. The good thing about that day is I did have a couple good memories. Cody really going through and loving his time at KU really sticks out in my mind. When Cody talked about KU it was with such a passion the story telling sucked me in that day.

Aurellian Collin

Collin was the worst player on earth for Sporting KC in 2011. He was good in 12..so much he was an all-star. Goal in the MLS championship game..and a general bad-ass at scoring goals has me in awe. He he provides so much punch at the offensive end his defensive game...which is still above average.....means he grades out to a solid "A" Plus he has his own Clothing line and I grabbed his arm in westport one time.

Turn your life over to the care of good.

Today I was thinking about the hole in my heart that used to be really deep. Especially when I went to Royals games. St. Joseph also brought out a deep loneliness in me. St. Joseph is a dark place with trash and scrap metal yards, there are some cool spots, but when you are a hard core ex-drinker like me you tend to gravitate to the trash. Ok back to my point. My point was how I don't have this hole in my heart anymore. Back when I used to go to Royals and Chiefs games. Everyone was having a good time. Sometimes I would have a good time if I drank enough and was in just the right mood. Most of the time I felt empty that I wasn't a cool guy and I had no babes. I took no action to get babes or be the cool guy, I just got really drunk and complained to myself. That all changes 4 years ago when I discovered that hey maybe I could work out and talk to more people and choose friends who don't completely suck at life. Not to say that my friends that I have suck at life, but lets be honest it's not like Byrdman goes around bashing bro's arms and introducing me to hot babes all day. Anyway when I took responsibility for myself and started to actually be productive day in and day out that hole started to go away. Sometimes I would get mad that I was still not around babes all day at the games, but I told myself keep working out and keep get better and soon you will be good enough that people will want to be around you. I actively had to go out and get rejected by girls and guys to really bring in stronger people in my life. All this was going on while I was getting the crap kicked out of me in sobriety. When you face being alone in sobriety it character builds and it has you taking action to develop friendships. Now when I go to sports events I have the feeling of excitement and nerviousment to the point that my only worry is that some pee might dribble down my shorts in excitement at the game coming up. I really had a sad and lonely time in my twenties. The end of my time in St. Joseph was sad and the middle part of my time in Kansas City was sad. The rest of the time was pretty good. The real shame is that the feelings I had blocked me off from the joy that is baseball. Baseball is the love of my life.

Also I sometimes use the word GOOD instead of God. I have no idea what God is, but I know what is good is. So instead of "I turn my will over to the care of God" I will turn my will over to the care of "Good"

Public Enemy's

I woke up today. I went and got some pop and some chicken. I listened to some music. I watched the movie Public Enemy's with Christian Bale and Johnny Depp. I wish bale would just turn into batman and be done with Johnny Depps Character. I filled out a bracket for the First Management bracket challenge.

Stuff

I let Cortland play on my computer for 15 minutes. My dad bought a rock candy xbox 360 controller for him. It was nice to see how he played Super Mario land. Evidently you can move the screen left and right with the L and R buttons. It is crazy the way that people just play video games different. Especially a 7 year old. It was also interesting that he would rather die so he could go get yoshi than finish a level. I forget that way of playing games. Yoshi is a bad ass character and it is more fun to play a level when you have him.

Monday night

Monday night I went to work. Felt pretty good. After work went to 24 hour fitness. Phone broke when I was on the tredmill. I had been searching spiritually for stories of hope lately. I haven't felt gratitude for awhile even though I know how easy I have it. I heard a story today that made me feel a bit better. I am always glad to go over my gratitude list. I have a great TV, great Jeep, Sporting KC is good, and of course my parents and friends aren't bad either.

Happy Saint patricks day

I don't think I have anything green. So I hope I get many pinches.

Happy Saint patricks day

I don't think I have anything green. So I hope I get many pinches.

Sunday

Sunday I got to watch some hoops with my dad. He has a new TV and all the TV's in my parents have great sound. We watched hockey and when people crashed into the boards there was a big boom from the subwolfers. Nascar was rained out which was a bummer. I went on a small walk onto the treadmill. I then went down to Andrea's and we went to a meeting. There are some cool new guys I met. I watched some of Manchester United play west brom. Manchester united won the game.

Sunday

Yesterday I worked. I made it through. Listened to lots of music. Music is a time machine that truly takes me back to some good times in my life. This morning I woke up and drove to St. Joseph. My dad has all the sports channels and right now I am checking out the ACC championship game. None of the games on interest me very much, but I am still happy to have some time off to enjoy good TV's and good sports channels in high definition.

Sporting Saturday

I am a bit bummed that I have to work today. I am used to going to every Sporting KC game. I vow to turn it into a positive anyway. I need to shift my outlook from more of a sports and self centered outlook to more of one that focuses on work, skill, and service. I watched some hoops this morning and I played tennis. So I am going to have to just work with what God has given me to satisfy my craving for watching and playing sports. I am not doing well in tennis, but it helps Jason and I get out of the house and that is what I choose to focus on. I really listened to 7 Habits of successful people yesterday by Steven Covey. There was lots of things about values, your own personal honesty, and different approaches to situations that really hit home. I always try to look at the positive and I try to turn every challenge into an chance to better myself. I don't feel good about all things, but at-least the mental tools are there to feel better about situations.

Saturday

Friday night I worked. I was of service always trying to cultivate my ability to communicate in a constructive, good tone of voice, helpful way. I have that skill and I need to do better on taking advice or critisism. Saturday I got laundry done. I have been trying to carve out time and energy to do laundry but after work and between dealing with AA I just want to chill or try to have fun. Laundry is not always fun. The main point is I got up today and did what it took to get laundry done. So now I don't have dirty clothes. For that I have gratitude.

winning teams get calls

In the Cruz Azul game Benny Fielhaber had a handball in the box which would have been a PK a red card and a suspension. It wasn't called. SKC plays tonight in their MLS home opener.

Thursday and Friday

Thursday was a bit manic for me. I woke up and walked 2 miles. I then was hanging out and Jason wanted to play tennis. I lost my mind and went to wash the jeep and went downtown for awhile. I thought to myself I might stay downtown most of the day because it was nice out and the big twelve tournament was going on. I watched a half of the basketball game and took a picture of myself looking awesome and decided I needed a shower and I needed to relax. I was starving I couldn't find decent food in the area. I went back to Lenexa took a shower and went to Callihans to have a cobb salad and wings. The cobb salad really hit the spot. I put the wings in my fridge and I wish I would have ate them because now I have to wait until Saturday because of Friday during lent I can't have meat. I played Tennis and I sucked. I didn't do well at all. I was pretty upset about it actually. I had a headache and I was tired. Andrea wanted to meet up with me and after drinking some pop and going for a drive I started to feel better. I was being crazy so I decided to pick her up and drive her around. We went to get chicken drum legs and hot sauce. We then went to a meeting and I felt lots better interacting with crazy people. It was a beautiful night out. We sat on the deck and chatted and I drank coffee so the night ended up well and I was glad that I can be crazy and not perfect and still have good times. The chicken and peppers we ate were awesome. Andrea doesn't like chicken anymore so that leaves me more chicken on the earth to eat with my mouth. Hot sauce also is required. KU won yesterday and Sporting KC plays tomorrow. Tomorrow is also UFC fight night.

Thursday

I woke up today and went for a two mile walk. I washed my jeep and then went downtown to the Big Twelve Tournament. Kansas City sure does an awesome job with the tournament.

Sporting KC wins

I went for a two mile walk today. It was very nice out today. I am catching up the the CCL game for sporting today. Just looking at the final score Ike Opara, Kronberg, and Besler got the job done. Kevin Ellis with the surprise goal.

My eating problems

I have had eating problems most of my life. From 8th grade until senior of high school I would eat until I made myself sick. I always was going through so many rollaids and tums it was gross. High School I didn't eat much and lost weight. Then my eating problems too a back seat to my drinking. Then I drank and had eating problems. I am always striving to get better with my eating and I always remind myself to stop eating once I think I may be getting full. I then can try to decide if I am full or not and let the food settle.

Tuesday

I woke up today groggy. I went to coffee with Andrea. The weather was annoying because it was hot. The best weather is for hoodies and shorts. I really had to work on patience with myself and other people today. I listened to Slightly Stoopid. I really listened to an hour of Steven Covey's 7 Habits today. I learned lots about making deposits in relationships. I went for a walk after work at 24 hour fitness. I haven't been into working out as much as of late, but I still go to the gym to do walks for fun.

Big 12 tournament week

This week is Big 12 Tournament week. I remember going down to Kemper Arena to watch Bryant Reeves and (Insert name) Rutherford in probably 93....at Kemper with my dad. The crowd went nuts when OK STATE came out. That was my first induction to being at a life event where the crowd was going crazy. Royals..although decent back then...never had a rowdy crowd.

Weird last week or two.

I have had a weird last week. I don't think I have had this much anxiety for awhile. I try to do the next right thing and I think my faith and my devotion to developing myself is getting better. I can't really put my mind to what has been bothering me as of late. The money situation seems to be getting better and my relationships seem to be ok. I don't know, but it was nice to get through work today and come home and watch true detective with Jason. At work today I had to pay the piper to get better. I asked my boss on friday if he would sit with me or have someone sit with me. I was nervous and jittery all day to have someone sit behind me. I know from reading books such as Mastery by Robert Greene that I really have to push myself and get myself out of my comfort zone so I can get better at skills. So I think I will see the benefits in my new job as long as I am willing to work really hard.


I guess a guy I know is going to die because his liver is failing. My whole life these days revolves around addiction. I go to an AA meeting most days. I tell my sponsor Raymond ever detail what is going on with me, Andrea is sober for some days. Addiction and Alcoholism is such a destroyer of worlds it is a bit much sometime. My heart goes out to the sick people out there hiding drinks...chugging booze trying to cope. Been there...done that...got the t-shirt. I talked the other day about how I was so sick of feeling like I had the flu. I was also sick of being heartbroken. The truth is I had so many deep emotional values that were broke. Life doesn't owe me anything. I am not going to get into it, but yes I was hurt by girls in my early days, but now I realize I have a choice to get in the gym look better and attract better people who actually like me.


Sporting KC plays in the CCL on Wednesday. It is the Champions league. I trust that if you have google you can find out what a big game that is.

Actually Tennis

I was able to play some Tennis today before work. That might help with anxiety a bit to actually do something fun.

Phil Kloster

Long time Chiefs planet.com, bbq lover, and interesting dude Phil Kloster.......he always has interesting stories. This one is probably my favorite because it is rare for people to share the gross and crazy things in war. So here we go...this is stolen from Facebook.com

Today is my birthday. It is also the anniversary of the most frightening day of my life. This is probably going to be a lengthy read compared to most stuff you find on social media. I'm not writing it for pats on the back. So many vets are reluctant to talk about their experience. I don't mind. On my birthday, this is my gift to you:

As a Marine, I crossed from Saudi Arabia in a convoy of 40-some supply convoy vehicles into Kuwait. The largest weapon on our convoy was a 50 caliber machine gun which has an effective range of about 1.25 miles. This was not a fighting convoy. We were a supply battalion, taking care of the warriors. My specific job was computer networks and I was assigned to this forward element because I also knew how to setup a vehicle positioning and locating system so the brass would know where their units were located at all times simply by looking at a computer screen. I also helped set up the first tactical network capable of sending email from a combat zone back to the United States... - but back to the story: We were traveling to Al Jaber Kuwait Air Force Base, which was supposed to be clear - considering we were a convoy of computer geeks, cooks, truck drivers, brass, and clerks for the brass. I was riding in a HUMVEE with 3 other marines. I hadn't bathed the entire month of February. I couldn't smell the other guys but I assumed they were in a similar state.

The flashes and booms started off in the horizon when we were roughly 5 miles from Al Jaber. As we got closer, so did what we soon discovered were Iraqi artillery rounds. Eventually one of the Colonels in the convoy figured we should stop driving towards the artillery and get on a radio to find out what was going on. I was ordered to dig a hole in which to hide just in case. I used what is called an E-tool - a collapsable spade that is actually pretty handy for the most part but digging in the desert isn't anything like digging at the beach. That stuff is hard. I've never dug through hard packed earth more quickly though. By the time I got just deep and wide enough for my entire body to fit below grade, the artillery was impacting very nearby. The effective range of artillery is measured in miles, not yards or feet. With our own weapons which could barely reach a mile, we were sitting ducks.

Just before they completely dialed in on us, one of our grunt teams neutralized the Iraqi aggressors. But the tough days were just beginning. The Iraqis had set every single oil well ablaze on their way out of Kuwait as depicted in the picture I've chosen. This day was one of the last sunlight would be visible for over a week.

Coalition forces had been bombing the Iraqis since Jan 17th; from the air and from our destroyers parked in the Gulf. Not only that but our tanks could shoot a mile further than Iraq's tanks. So there were vehicles and tanks, pieces of them everywhere in the desert. There were also Iraqi remains scattered all over the desert. Collection of bodies is a job that rarely makes the news channels and the surviving Iraqis were in a bit of a hurry to get back home. It takes weeks to gather enemy dead and dispose of them properly. We literally used the horrific stench to navigate during the dark days ahead.

We reached our camp safely. We got the email network up and the vehicle tracking system running and burned a lot of flashlight batteries for a while. But I'm thankful to have been kept safe that day. Despite the fear of dying on your birthday, that experience made me who I am today. I wouldn't trade it for anything, except for perhaps a hot shower....

Sunday.

Saturday Andrea and I went over to Matts. We played cranium. It was really funny. I had some anxiety about trying to get that laughter back again sometime. The rest of the night I had some deep conversation about fears. I have had anxiety and fear lately that I am dealing with. Sunday I woke up and Andrea and I went to CiCi's they had a decent salad buffet. I think I haven't got leaner lately because I eat peanuts and peanut butter because of no meat fridays and such. I drove back to my parents house. My dad and I watched as Dale Earnhardt Jr came so close to winning at Las Vegas. Sunday night I had some anxiety but I drove around and went to an AA meeting. In my head I was frustrated that I wasn't able to watch the Sunday night Soccer game, but struggling to have a decent Sunday night is nothing new. I drove around and I was able to catch Lindsey Shannons blues show on 101.1 the fox. I made it through Sunday night in a decent positive fashion. My dad gave me some cash to throw at my credit card debit. That relieved some of my anxiety. I also got socks and underwear from my parents. That is nice to have. I lose many a sock from the dryer monster.

SPORTING KC LOSES

Oh the Drama. Kronburg fails to come out and punch the ball and SKC loses the opener. Darn.

Kansas

Kansas lost to West Virgina. Wiggins had a monster game.

Sporting KC and other stuff.

I haven't really thought about Sporting KC that much. I am at brewbakers right now getting ready to get the season started. Yesterday sucked. I was able to go for walk, but I was sick to my stomach all day and work ran long into the night. I really struggle to have fun in my time off work unless it involves sports or gambling. I am ready for the Royals and Sporting KC to come back so I have a routine and a place to go that isn't AA, black dog, or Hollywood casino. Overall I think I am doing pretty good. I asked my boss to go over some information with me yesterday I am reading the book "Mastery" and it inspired me to pick my bosses brain to get better. That is progress. I show lots of progress in my actions as a man, but it rarely translates into me feeling good or O.K. I had big anxiety this morning and I just had to pray and get through it. I think it is cool I at least pray.before.meals now. I am making an effort to really think how easy life is for me.

Friday.

Thursday night I went to Andrea's. I went and picked her up after work. We went for along walk in the woods on a trail. It was pretty good. I was hoping to see a badger, emu, or some sort of animal. I saw birds and dog poop. It was fun though. We then fired up the grill and I begged her to put hot sauce and ranch on chicken. We compromised and had some sort of toppings on the chicken and hot sauce. She bought me a beef jerky stash in a bowl which is awesome. Friday morning Jason gave me money for our overdue gas bill. That is a blessing that we are somewhat making rent and bills. It is a miracle we are doing that actually. Sporting KC tomorrow baby!

sporting kc

Sporting KC opens this weekend on the road. I am trying not to get too excited, but I am glad February is over. You know what I hated? I never had bad acne, but I got deep zits sometimes that sucked. I am grateful today to not have deep zits anywhere on my body. I feel better about work today. I need to be present and actually work on getting better at things. I am a good customer service person, but my process skills have always been lacking. I am grateful I am working evenings. I have way more energy and I feel better. I am always striving to have patience with people and be able to give information in a calming professional man and I can feel the difference from just a couple of years of really focusing on being patient with myself and others. I used to have no patience and my patience is so so at best, but at least I think about how other people may feel. I know what its like to be talked down.to because lots of my friends are engineers. They are smarter than me and it sucks to be belittled. So everyday I attempt to relate so that anyone can understand me.

Thursday

I woke up today and got my taxes done. I thought I was going to have some some relief from the last couple of days, but I still have anxiety. I am going to try to think about tonight how grateful I am to have my taxes done and have some money back. I had to pay lots to get HR block to do it, but my experience has been good. This old marine has donemy taxes last couple years and he is a sharp mind even though I think he is in his 80's. The highlight of my day was when he asked me if I had receipts for my health savings account and I told him ...I used my HSA on booze and cigarettes. He laughed really hard and I felt good to be a man with a sense of humor about the situation. When I was 25 I accidentally used my HSA account to pay for my bar tab at callihans. That is when I figured out that you could use HSA money.on anything you just have to pay taxes later on. Since then I have.used my HSN on 95% non sense. Mostly carwashes and sporting KC tickets. If I had all the money I spent on sporting KC tickets alone that people didn't goto I would have a lot of money right now.

wow

Wow. I am good for one of my episodes every couple months. Today was completely a hard day with my mind all messed up. I woke up angrier than ever about my credit card situation. My main beef is how life can do this to me when I work two jobs. Bla bla bla. I take full resposeability for it. I went to a bazillion baseball games and spent a bazillion amount of money on driving clothes etc I talked to Raymond and I know if I do the emotional.maintenance I can get through today and tomorrow will be better. I also got a bad score at work and that wasn't good as well. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be counting my blessings tonight. Also I ate peanut butter for three straight meals because I have good old catholic guilt. Anyway I am glad that I didn't eat meat today. It is the least I can do for Jesus.


O.k. So I am grateful I am done with this day. It can truly kiss my butt. I like my mind sometimes because I have a great sense of humor, but days like today where something so small causes so large emotional pain it really sucks. I know one thing..I get really salty when my plan and my goals are not being met. In some ways that is good, but today I just needed to really work through lots of issues. It did help me talk to people and go into why I feel the way I do. I can't wait until this mood passes because I know that I worked through it as best as I could and I made it to work on time and I didn't act in anger to anyone.

Tuesday

Tuesday I woke up and went for a walk on the treadmill. I wrote a positive review for the people who work on our apartments. They are super nice. I know I pay their salary with my rent money, but I feel the people at my apartment complex have gone above and beyond their duties with us. I then went down to eat lunch with Andrea downtown. It went well. I made it to work. I got some good news at work, but it is like I always say when I get good news. You are never doing as good as you think you are, and you are never doing as bad as you think you are. So I worked I got off work and went to 24 hour fitness and walked a quick mile. Now I am home and goofing off on the internet.

Monday

I have been in a weird spot this entire winter. My apartment is awesome...looks good...but I just have trouble staying in. I have had high anxiety many times this winter and just have to go for a drive. Today I woke up and really had to get moving. I went to 24 hour fitness and sat in the hot tub. I am turning into my mom. My mom loves hot tubs. Anyway I really had to think where the anxiety was coming from. I think it was my normal B.S. that I deal with and boredom. I started to think about my room mate and I started thinking how I need to work on getting comfortable just hanging out and enjoying movies or video games. There is a psychological technique that I use where I imagine myself from afar and try to be my own friend. I am self-aware to the max so sometimes I can just try to tell myself "Just enjoy your own company" that seems to help. Ok anyway the rest of the day went good. Jason and I watched True Detective. I truly enjoy and savor still hanging out with the guys and watching things. I am enjoying second shift. I am a night owl through and through. I remember staying up until 4 am when I was a teenager. Those were awesome days.

Saturday and Sunday

Saturday was a struggle to keep myself busy. I find myself getting really frustrated not having something fun to do. My hope is that once baseball and soccer come back I can quit feeling crappy on my days off. I went to visit my friend Andrea. That helped with some of the boredom. I knew I had to do what she wanted to do to help me get out of the funk. We went bowling...i sucked...she was good. We then ate wings and watched KU lose. I was able to make it to work on Sunday night even though it was horrible out.

Friday

Friday I finished up a very long work week. I work Sunday starting my evening shift.I am pretty excited to get paid more working at night and my focus is better at night. So I am looking forward to making a difference working at night. On Friday I hung out at my friend Matt's house. His pug didn't pee on me this week. So I got that going for me.