snugga ski ball 02/12/09

So Snugga and I were playing skiball yesterday, god we love ski ball. He sees some girls that may or may not be unfortunate looking. So to impress him he goes all "razor ramone" on them and was like SAY HELLO TO THE BAD GUY. Anyway they were confused because honestly (and I have told snugga a million times...) girls are into macho man more than Razor ramone scott hall the bad guy. So I went over there (and I do a ****ty ****ty macho man voice) and was like OHHH YEAH SNAP INTO IT! I had my ski ball tickets around my arms like tassells like macho man in starcade in 97. So anyway that is one of them says they would like to meet us for drinks later on (score I know) I though the girl had mothballs in her mouth, or was retarded, well she was actually deaf. but it turns out my doing the waving motion like the macho man means "Hey steak, want to wet up somewhere?" So we go hang on this girls but we are having problems because one girl was on the wrong side of 300 pounds (or the right side for snugga hehe) so anyway it goes ok. I tell snugga to knock it off about how many tickets he has, because ever girl knows that brett bretterson has more.

Churches should focus on charity not material goods

I hate when churches spend money on stupid **** instead of charity's and helping people The point of this is the freaking mega churches get on my nerves. I have seen indiana jones, jesus was a poor carpenter and would probably take issue with all the crap you don't need. Now I know there was verse where Judas said Hey jesus don't you think this Lotion we are putting on your feet could go to the poor? Jesus was like uhh no I will be dead soon, poor people will still be around forever, but still some of the crap in chruch makes me sick. I am going to start a new church and we are going to eat aldi's brand nila waffers and donate our money to charity's

Gilfest gasoline story

Ok gather around. This one is good. The year is 2001 I was twenty on years old. Rap Metal was still good as I was listening to DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE in my black eclipse gs. I actually decided to dust off the doritios and dress up to go to GIL fest which was my friend gilberts annual kegger. So I am looking good and I am getting gas before heading out of st joseph to Kansas City. This is where the mistake happened. I made the mistake of latching a rusted handle on the gas dealie. you know where you don't have to hold it down? It just clamps. Well as the gas started to get near full I tried to un hatch it but it didn't happen gas shoots all over my face clothes crotch. I have red hair so it just burns my entire body like a b****. I fall over trying to get to the bathroom to rinse my eyes out. I knock over some starcrunch and moonpie stand. I RUN WATER OVER MY EYES FOR 15 minutes. God I stunk like that. It was even in the crack of my ass. It felt like cigerette burns all over my body. I stunk for days. I threw my clothes away. Even though I took a shower I still reeked like gasoline at the party. Yeah I didn't get to make out with a girl that night

Clean up your floor with a swifter before you mop or else you will get dorito's taquito's and taco ban dito's in your mop

Also the stoves SELF CLEANING feature is a myth.

Hey I learned how to use my hands better HEAR THAT LADIES!

So my favorite khaki shorts I wear around the apartment and do such various things as play video games or wash off celery sticks in.....the button broke on it. So I did the undertaking of buying a needle and thread for it. So at first I just st joseph rigged it to stay on for awhile, but I realized that was not going to last. Then I googled "how to sew a button on" and i started from there. "great 10 steps... I am just going to have someone else do it" Then I looked around and was like well no one is here. Then it said to make a knot, I dithen had to google "sewing knot" All and all it looks like it is finished. It doesn't look good but it is on there tighht . I figured this story needed it's own "thread" pun intended

picture here

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/attachment.php?attachmentid=85534&d=1234464948

Losing weight

It is hard to loose weight and be a sports fan. Fried mushrooms. Keystone light, days sitting on your butt all day. So I have decided to just chew food up and spit it out haha just kidding. That would be dumb especially when you can have 5 pounds of Tanners Fried Golden awesome brown Mushrooms in your stomach. And next to that you have 4 entire pints of keystone light. Awesome!

My first mcribb

first fell in love with the mcribb back in 1992. I was 10 years old Fine youn cannibles were still on the top 40 charts. A young upstart president named Bill Clinton was winning our hearts and vagina's over with is smoothness. It was that very day where my grandpa.......Grandpa Demon took me down for a treat, but back then mcdonalds wasn't on every street corner like they are today. "Demon? do you want mcdonalds?: My grandpa said softly to me while I was waking up. YAY! I yelled out. "Well hurry up and grab your shit because I am leaving" grandpa grumply said with the unmistaken smell of jack daniels on his breath. So then began the journey. The journey of wonder and excitement that was sure to end with grandpa spanking me for spilling Orange Crush soda. So we began to drive.. we drove and drove and drove so long infact we almost made it to the 3rd song on the christain radio network. As I got out of the truck my 200 pound frame almost jumped at excitement when I saw a 2 by 2 foot cardboard cd cutout of a new and exciting product. "Whats that?" I said to grandpa. "those are jews" Grandpa replied."No whats that on window?" "Well I don't know but I guess we are going to find out.As I ordered my first mcrib I began to get nervous and I could barely speak to the man taking my order.So my grandpa with love ordered for me "Sorry...he is retarded.... we will take 2 mcribbs and fry's. As the next hour flew by with wonder, amazement and a hardy ass beating" I knew that my life was changed forever. Now even today, I can take my kids to get a mcribb and talk to my theropist about those wonderful days wtih grandpa.

What if your friend happened to be gay and you went to get fully loaded nacho's from taco bell. One of the chips at the bottom didn't have glorious toppings on them like the awesome commercials say they do. So you talk to the Manager Jimmy Jack Taco bravo Manager dude and he says that commercial isn't real. You ask him if this is real and you dump fully loaded nacho's right on his freaking british knights. Then John Van Mexi melt the employee of the month comes out from be hind you and sweeps your leg with a wet mop. Then your gay friend tries to make a break for it but the only girl working there Valerie Van Tostata grabs the Sour Cream Squrter deal and sour creams the door shot while Johnny Law comes and arrests everyone in the Taco Bell Fiery Sauce massacre of 08


Lets take another extreme example. You go to lohn john silvers with you and your buddies, you take one of those coupons that you get stuffed in your mail box every freaking wednesday. You have the 2 piece fish and more coupon, your friend has the add a chicken plank for 25 cents and your brother has a free drink. Your brother who isn't retarded but def learning disabled puts on the Long John Silvers hat and sings Margarittaville by jimmy buffett (the live version) while banging his sporks against the high chair. Tries to stand up in the high chair but slips on a hush puppie that was left by the brat kid that was there before you. Do you still use the coupons or do you make an example to pay long john silvers the full price for it


Reminds me of a story, my friend and I went to arby to get the 5 for 5.55 and we were really hungry after downloading and burning the new hoobastank cd. So we go in there looking to munch on some grindage and all the sudden the guy behind the counter started giving us shit. I think he may have been autistic but I saw the drawings he drew on the coloring book "arby's goes to washington" He did a shit ass job of staying between the lines. So we decide we are going to jump the dude. So When he asked if I wanted curly fries i said yes, did I want potato wedges, I said yes, Did I want to be awesome...well he didn't have to ask that because i was 100% grade A freaking awesome. So when he delivered the sandwhiches, fries, wedges, and snugga's mozzerella cheese sticks we surrounded him. I first unloaded on him with potato wedges like ninja stars, snugga then took his cheese sticks, broke them in hand and made a cheesy awesome version of Nunchucks and started to pelt the poor bastard. after that I took a roast beef sandwhich stuck an m 80 in the middle and smashed it against the glass door like a sweet dentonator bomb you would see in Agent cody banks. The whole place exploded all the while I walked a way like thomas jane in the punisher

Long John Silvers

So I was in long john silvers today. I ordered the 2 piece fish and more. What I got was highly dissapointing. It was more like 2 piece fish and bla. WHERE IS THE "MORE" I EJACULATED OUTLOAD! boy howdy was I ever peeved. So ususally wear my cargo shorts so I can stuff extra crispy's in my left pouch for later I called up the manager. He didn't know shit so I crumbled up hushpuppies over his head. He threatened me and even took off my long john silvers hat that I always wear. So I called up Mr John Silvers and explained to him that he needs to mind his corn, p's, q's , and 2 piece fish and more. He said the standard amount of coleslaw is determined by the ice cream scooper they use. I DEMANDED he scoop a large portion of my attitude in his mind. He hung up on me and refused to talk to me until I left a dvd copy of "bring it on " on his front door. When he opened it up he was not greeded by a feel good comedy staring kristen dunst but instead of one pissed off demonpenz with a hunger for fish and chicken planks

demonpenz life lessons more!!!

Just because you buy miller high life cammo edition doesn't mean people can't see that you are drinking beer

It is not correct to say "WHAT THE ****" to the h and r block guy because you owe in missouri

This girl I know asked me how to swing a golfclub if you have big boobs, I replied "I dunno ask phil mickleson

Demonpenz (aka Raphael's) life lessons

I am not a smart man, not the sharpest tool in the shed, not the brightest bulb. This thread is dedicated to help other people not make the same mistakes I did. Kind of like in pitfall when you get eaten by a gator, or when you send a guy out in war to see if there is any snipers and he gets his head blown off

Lesson number 1. If there is a couch by the dumpster, don't put it in your place, you don't know what it has on it and it will probably scratch the concrete and make you worried that you will have to pay for the scratched concrete (If anyone knows how to get scrapes or scratches off of concrete let me know. it is somewhat if a trail... to lead you to a dipshit that tried to take a couch from a dumpster.

Lesson number 2. If you wear glasses and they break. Order new glasses and don't put them off. I broke my glasses. Decided to try to super glue them. So I superglued them but got glue on my lenses. Then tried to scrape the glue off. The glasses then got stuck to my head and were blurry from the super glue. I ripped off my glasses taking off a chunk of my head and blead quite a bit. So now i have super glue and a bleading head. So then I googled it and read that nail polish remover will remove the glue. So I went to the store and got a funny look from the lady. Went home and dumped remover all over my glasses. It took the glue off but also screwed up my table. When the glue was gone I realized I scratched the crapshit out of my glasses trying to remove the super glue. Glasses Screwed, Tabled fooked, head bleeding, super glue used.
no matter what position you are in make sure you don't ask her to move even if her pussy keeps on making fart sounds. it is just rude. Also it is unromantic if you are having sexual intercourse and you tell her the sounds your penis is making when entering a vagina sounds like when you were dipping your spoon into cottage cheese for breakfest

It is also un romantic if you start kissing but her nose is making a weezing sound...to stop and put a breathe right strip on her nose. It will just make her unhorny and make her look like neil smith.

Also don't refer to her boobs as coleco vision controlers and her pussy as game genie. She won't understand awesome it is have P wings in every level in mario 3

If you drive an 88 ford tempo. Just accept it. It is a red piece of shit, it isn't the general lee, you aren't vin diesel. So don't press the break and gas together rev the engine and slam it in drive. You are going to hear a loud bang followed by the sound of you getting fired from long john silvers for being late again