Dec 19th 2019

I let this blog lapse. I am a little bitch when it comes to staying on things like this blog. Life has been difficult the last month or so not because of outside things. I just get depressed and from the depression comes sadness hopelessness feeling alone etc etc. I know that is just a physical condition and plenty of people know and love me. That was evident on my birthday when my dad took me out to eat. In other news I had some good jokes on facebook which was cool to see that my humor is appreciated. Work is ok. It has provided me gas money, food, and video game money.

Accomplishment #6 Lifting weights!

I had a 575 total squat and bench my senior year which was good enough for like 20th of all time for the people that actual had it verified. Whitaker had 600 Mathias and Palawski may have been 700 but me and puckett were snug in the 500 club I think. Now that ain't shit like people get to the 1000 club but it was 4 years of work to get there and they repainted the wall but I at-least got to put my name on it. I continue to do some lifting today and going for a walk but it is rarely work. It is more for fun, but football, lifting, and was hard. I am glad I have to do 8 hours of shit and basically get to fuck off the rest of the day today in my life.

#5 accomplishment not being an asshole to old people!

I always give the respect to old people. Especially my Grandma and grandpa. When I got older I tried my best to swing my my grandma's and when I was younger I tried to visit my grandpa as much as possible. I have no regrets in most area's in my life and if I died today I would just thank God I was born a white male in America. That shit is amazing.

#4 thing I am proud of

Getting out and watching sports games. Changing my life and being able to cope with travel without drinking was very hard. It ment I could go to Nascar, Royals, Sporting KC, pretty much any concert and not have to get a cab or not having to piss off people I am with or other people. So there is lots of time spent with family and friends that I had to work hard to get my shit together at work and get my shit together mentally, and get my shit together physically so I could enjoy the time off in the weekends to spend it with the people I love.

Today

Today I had a situation where I wasn't comfortable. I let people know I was not cool with it. Set boundaries. Then I sat there upset which was my ego doing it's thing because it wants me safe and it wants people to like me. I hung in there and it looks like the day will be ok. I guess that is where I am at with people pleasing. My actions can set boundaries but my insides get torn up as my ego needs to go to the way of the dinosaur. Oh Well fuck it dude lets go bowling /big lebowski

accomplishment #3 stand up comedy

It was always a dream to give an honest try to stand up comedy. I learned alot doing it. It was tough and sometimes I got laughs. I can die in peace knowing that I gave my calling a try.

#2 accomplishment getting sober

It takes balls to stop just stuffing feelings doing shots hitting on chicks and being a fuck boy and starting to pay money get mentors pay more money for therapy and medication and spend a fuck ton on time and effort and getting humbled and your ego annihilated but that is what it takes to face the world without booze and weed. It sucks but dying a sick ass death is not very cool and that is the biggest problem I had was I was taking on so much bullshit because I had no coping skills I had to stuff and drink and after awhile drinking wasn't getting me by. So wallah no more drinking and spending money and time and now I wake up with anxiety and dread but I am not super ass sick with my head over my toilet begging for death every Monday. Also I don't break my glasses or phone or lose my wallet as much. The worst thing is just living with pain. Like this girl destroyed my advance for more than friends and I just had to eat shit until it passed, then it came back up when she got married and I just had to go through the motions and get by but inside was crushed. Alas that is what most of my time is now is living and embracing emotions. Holy shit I just ran spell check. Progress in my writing skills! FUCK YEAH. I got better at the scissor lift and heights yesterday. Yay me as well. Driving a scissor lift will show up on my accomplishment list in the future

365 accomplishments in my life

#1 graduation from college. Lots of work. I am going to try to list an accomplishment every day for a year.

10/07/

The free game of the month for ps4 was MLB 2019 which is sweet, but the Royals suck on it. I am starting out in spring training and we already look like dog shit. I will try to update as I go along. I woke up not feeling like going to work but a-tleast I went to work and I went for a walk. I weighed 223 which isn't good because my goal is 185 lol.

OCT 1

I drove the Scissor lift yesterday very well. I don't get to drive it often but I ran that bitch around like a man yesterday. Progress! I also felt a big sad waking up because I didn't want to work so much, but then I just remembered I can listen to music and get my money to buy video games and save for the future. I don't have to do homework or other stupid shit anymore so I can't be that sad. Chiefs are 4-0 as well. Fuck and yes!

09/10/19

Sporting KC is wrapping up a tough year. There is tons of shit they need to happen to make the playoffs. They have choked away 1-0 leads 3 times this year and it pisses me off. The chiefs look amazeballs. Mahomes #15 is just destroying people. I am at 216 with my diet which isn't good since I want to be 185. I have been reading books by alan watts and some other spiritual guys. They are food for thought but like 10 percent of it is made up bullshit. I also had a depression book and I saw where I have made progress over the years.

A win today

Doing anything like dieting is easy when you are having a good day. I felt like shit today and ate 4 poptarts 36 points and some sausage. But I tracked and I am eating grapes and zero points tonight. I know getting shit done even when you don't feel like it is important.

WW part 2

Today I was back trying to work the weight watchers program. It is a struggle, but I know if I work hard I can lose up to 5 pounds in 3 months! So I was happy that I went for a walk and got as prepared as possible. I got some grapes and dinner. So there is my desert and my meal and snacks. It is important to get nurishment so you don't get dibetes or a stroke

07/22

Happy 40th birthday to my sister. We are old! My aunt passed away. I lost some money at the boat sporting lost and one of the girls I super like got married. So safe to say this weekend wasn't great but Monday is Monday and you got to get back on that grind if you want to make the payment for your chrystler 200. That is what it says in the bible! I got ahold of Molly K and Kris VF to see the next Sporting game. It isn't the same without them there. Sporting lost but I thought they played well. Just had two bone head plays. Chiefs are warming up and bubba starling had his first homerun!

06/24

This weekend I bumped up my all soccer team in video games a hell of a lot

06182019

Life has been a grind lately. Even though work is good and I am good at my job it is difficult to drag my ass to work everyday. II just try and be grateful that I am able to do work and that God didn't create me a huge huge dumbass. We went boating on Sunday and it was pretty fun. I worked hard as fuck all the week before so my body had had it with movement. I had some Taco Bandito tacos and they were good. I will get my LIC renewed on tuesday for my car. I got a doctors appointment on thursday at 11 am and that is about it. It is pay week so I get paid on friday which 225 will go towards edward jones. then rent and car. So no money will be spendable but that is ok. The 225 feels good to put away and invest because I know how hard it is to give up money to spend now in hopes of having a retirement that may not come. I always try to tell people saving for retirement helps you when you retire but helps you have hope today of better days to come which makes today better. They don't listen.

220 I am at 220 which means I have to lose 3 pounds by saturday to get to my one pound a week lost goal. I felt like shit monday and tuesday so it would be nice to at-least get back to the 218 I was last week.

05/21/19

I have been trying to lose a pound per week I was at 218 last saturday and I weighed myself today and I was 220 so that was a step backwards. I lifted pretty hard last week and I may have put on some muscle but man I felt like shit Sun MON Tuesday. So when I feel like shit I eat a bunch of crap to keep my mood halfway decent. So hopefully I can lose 3 pounds by saturday so I can keep on my goal pace.

05/06/

Sporting KC sucks dick right now. Everyone is hurt and the people are playing they suck. I went down to watch them on a beautiful night in KCK. Man I love being at that pitch and watching grown men kick a ball around. Hopefully they can turn it around next week. Saturday I worked on working out and that is about it. My dad has someone mow the yard and I had free time to go for a long walk in the afternoon and at night. I think that at-least got me even with my weight on Sunday as I had some cashews and other bullshit.

05/03/

Yesterdays interpol concert was good. It was just below mind blowing. The light show was better than expected. Today I got in a bit of a dust up with a dump truck he pulled to the side like he was parking then I guess I was supposed to know he wanted to turn left. Anyway I ususally would freak out about an almost accident but progress and faith and non fear I didn't freak out too badly. This gives me hope little by little that my overall happiness goes up. I got sporting kc this weekend on retro night and I will miss game of thrones next week I got 4 days off because they are working on our power at work.

04/30

I felt pretty good today. I was able to walk a bit which is nice. Sometimes I don't get to walk a couple days in a row because I feel like shit. I try to will myself into doing stuff but that doesn't work all the time. Tomorrow I go to KC for AA. It kinda sucks but it is nice going to the sporting game and being able to drive home and not throw up and get in trouble and then I can go home and play video games or whatever. So not drinking is awesome especially if you watch people in the 30's drink at sports events. You know they will be hurting the next day.

04/29

This weekend I felt pretty good. I went to sporting kc. Sporting kc is in a slump and have tons of injuries. On Sunday I went to Bar K to look at dogs. It was amazing.

04/26

Tomorrow Sporting KC plays. It should be a good bounce back game for them. I walked 2.5 miles today but probably cancelled that out by eating a shit ton. I am getting better at PES 2019 and Gears of War. I am ok at Forza Horizon 4 and I will keep grinding. Holy shit I am at work and my body and mind don't want to be here. I just go to say fuck you body mind and soul and grind this shit out holy fuck it sucks.

04/22

This weekend was easter weekend. I played video games and hug out with family. My dad made some pork chops and they were fire. I read as much as I could and tried to spend as little money as possible. I am trying to save money for travis tritt, nascar, and the fuel that I need to make it to to those shows. I also need money for sporting kc. I walked today which was a win!

04/18

It is thursday. I was able to walk 2 miles before work but I ate a couple of chili dogs because my stomach hurt and I needed some greese to feel better. So the walking was a win but the chili dogs were not I got 3 days off and I am hoping I can play video games and have some fun. 1. Get good value out of my visio and occulus. the occulus cost 375 and I barely play it. I woul like to play project 2 and rfactor 2. I want to get some new music downloaded so I don't hear the same old shit over and over.

04/17/

Today I went to an AA meeting and met with my sponsor. I had less anxiety and depression this week and I have friday off so that is nice. I had some catfish and some other bullshit for lunch so my diet was not a win today, but going to AA and not drinking is a win. Sporting KC plays at home April 27th and I will get a free t shirt out of the deal. Hell of a deal I say. It is already hot as fuck where I work. That sucks. I drank water today instead of pop which is a win.

04/16

Today I was able to walk 2 miles. That is back to back days of two miles which I am grateful for. Normally I feel like shit and can't do much other than go to work. I was able to watch some videos called "motivation addict" so even though I am not getting a ton of shit done I can at-least watch people get shit done. I am getting my car detailed on monday which should be sweet and I have to call my financial advisor tomorrow for my year end review. It is tough to save money but I know if I want to eventually retire I have to put money away. I had some ham today an some eggs so that is 5 points I guess on weight watchers. My goal is 187 and to be really small so I can not have stress on my body but that is a fuck ton of weight loss. Sporting KC is off this week. I was able to get some value out of my visio tv and my Occulus and ps4 and xbox one this weekend. I like to use that shit as much as possible and resist buying new toys.

a victory for me

I was able to keep my points down for weight watchers for the first part of the day. Saturday was shitty but I did pretty good. Sunday was bad. Monday seems to be better. My goal is 187 pounds but that is way away right now. So just inch at a time. Pun intended. It seemed like at work today I was able to grasp overall ideas like remember materials and where they go and just the general function of the job. Most of the times I can't do anything but just do something that is right in front of me. My goal is definately not to drop any bags this week.

04/15 Tax Day

Yesterday I went to Sporting KC. Sporting Kc dominated the run of the play but only got out of the game with a tie. There was a guy yelling the entire time and he pissed people off but I thought it was funny and it gave me my 30 dollars worth out of it. Somehow I made it into the game as well with 2 percent charge left on my phone. Busio a 16 year old for Sporting KC has scored 3 straight games which is amazing. Looking forward to laughing and having a good time the rest of the season. The weekend I played lots of Rfactor 2. I was semi-obsessed with comparing Nascar 2003 and Rfactor 2 with the nascar mod. Both are pretty good games. I played some baseball and I played one game that was intense that I almost came back from being down 5-1. I flew out to end the game but my heart was pounding which is a nice cheap thrill for cheap video games. I played with my occulus as much as possible but I got sick at one point and had to take them off. Monday I woke up pretty depressed but I got a good workout in and got my shit together enough to go to work. I got a 4 day work week and I don't want to piss anyone off by not doing my job so I am going to put in work today. I took my meds as usual as well which I normally do I just want my mood to be ok to below average.

04/12/

Today I woke up and I walked a mile on the treadmil. Then I played forza 4 and some baseball. I used my Oculus rift for about 15-20 minutes as well. It was pretty fun. Forza horizon 4 is very fun.

04/11

Today I woke up and an Thrustmaster t300 alacondra edition has gone on sale by some dude in lawrence for 275 bucks. I am tempted to get it but the way my car has been going to shit and my tires going to shit I am going to try to get by on my g29 for another year. I also have Travis Tritt, Nascar, and Sporting games coming up. I always want to cultivate the skill of saving money and using the toys I already have. Using imagination with the toys I already have.

04/10

Monday Tuesday and Wednesday have come and I have had lots of anxiety and depression. It sucks but I know it will pass. Lots of it just feels like I am not doing enough at work or I am not enough of a person to be successful. I know realistically that I am just a dude getting by and I am not a brain surgen or air traffic controller. So It is a bit sucky why or how I put pressure on myself, but day in and day out I work and do what I need to do. I brought this up to my sponsor and called him a couple times and went to an AA meeting. If it gets worse I can find a social worker at mosaic or get some help through work. My diet has sucked idk how much weight I gained but it sucks going to weight watchers every week and not losing anything.

04/05/

Today has started out alright. I was tired and ate like shit because I was tired but couldn't fall asleep so I felt like shit. I got to work on time which was nice. I played some asseto corsa and some games ps4. I am ready to play some forza horizon this weeekend. It looks dope. I am checking out some games on game pass. I hope it is nice this weekend so I can go to kc. Today it brought me joy to knock around the baseball in MLB the show 2016. Today brought me joy that I am happy healthy and not in the legal system. It is nice to not have credit card debt. PEOPLE ARE STUPID WITH CREDIT CARDS. I am as well sometimes. 2 times week I went to the break room and I want to feel good so I snack, but instead I told myself. No you are not hungry. I doubt that translates into loosing weight on weight watchers but I want to give myself credit for doing so. WAY TO GO ME. I AM A FUCKING PIMP AT SAYING NO FOR SNACKS AT WORK./

04/04

A win today is that I didn't stop to get ice cream at DQ. I remembered the saying. Dicipline weights ounces regret weighs tons. I was able to play some video games today. I am getting better at mlb the show 2016

040/03/

Today was a nice little productive wednesday. I woke up and drive to KC. I played my mom's money on her casino card and didn't win shit but had fun. I went to my sponsors place and I went to AA. It was a nice little productive day. I also went to this place to order a new computer cord. I really got orginized to get tons of shit done! Sporting plays in a couple days in a huge game. I am looking forward to tomorrow to wake up and play some project cars 2 or some baseball or something. So I got eight hours here then I got tomorrow morning and afternoon to enjoy some video games!

04/02/

Listening to a bit of Jim Rohn today. I woke up and I was hella sore. I played some video games. Game Tickets an PC cords are pissing me off. I didn't go for a walk because I was busted but I didn't eat ice cream or cake. I did track my points and I just had a muffin. I have to get my self-dicipline strong so I am not fat and broke.

04/01/19

This weekend was a bit of a bitch because the tickets to sporting kc game sucked to get and was expensive. It was worth it in the end when sporting won 7-1. Gutierrez had a nice game which I root for him because he gets paid a shit ton. It was nice to laugh and be dumb with Kris VF and MOLLY K. I am hoping to get out to as many games as I can. The weather was pretty shitty but we stuck it out. After the game I started to think about saving money to make up for my car breaking and Sporting tickets. I want to have fuel and concert tickets this summer. So I am on day 3 on the grind watching my money. I went for a walk today before work which was a win as well.

Thursday

Raymond couldn't meet me on Wednesday. I went down for an AA meeting it was a pretty good day. I got my work done at work and on Thursday I went down to see Raymond. He is doing good but he is sad he is selling his lake house. I will pray for him. That is about it I am looking forward to sporting kc this weekend. I messaged both Kris and Molly that we will be in the south stands having a great time.

03/26/2019

I woke up today and was a bit lighter after having a low point weight watcher day. I went and got more grapes and eggs. I played some project cars 2 but I didn't get very far on practice. I couldn't make up my mind what to play as far as video game wise in the time I woke up and went to work so I didn't get shit done and just farted around for 2 hours. It is a long way until 3 day weekend for easter but I am grateful that I have hours to get to work and stuff.

03/25

I woke up today and got my car fixed. It cost hella money. I made sure I went to bed yesterday at a good hour and didn't play grab ass. My sole thing to do is to keep my car up and running so I can get to work. So I got that done. I then pitched a dandy of a game in Super Mega Baseball 2. I love getting joy from striking computers out with sliders. I moved some stuff to the garage and my room is a bit more organized. I like all my wires to be in a room that is strictly to look shitty and for video games. This week seems to be looking long but I always get through it.

0322

The spring training trip was fun. Great to be with my family and friends. Royals looked good but it is only spring training. They are supposed to suck. Anxiety and depression was manageable on the trip and better than it was 4 years ago. That gives me hope that 4 years from now I will have even more fun and happiness.

03/14

This week has been tough. We are down a man at work. We are working our asses of to stay caught up. Few workers are good and most of them are average and some of them suck. I asked God for Faith so I wouldn't be scared of shit I couldn't control. My check engine light came on and i went to have it checked out. It will be 400 bucks! I had a bad day in weight watchers. I had a tenderloin and chicken sandwhich right when I got up which put me at 33 for the entire day. Maybe I can avoid eating fried pickles this weekend and make progress down to 185 or lower so I can run and be as light and healthy as possible.

03/13/

Went to AA. My engine light came on. Parts guy said it is going to be 400. That sucks. What can you do though?

03/11/2019

Sunday I went to watch sporting kc. It was a bounce back game for Zusi who played better. Melia had the play of the game when he stopped a penalty shot. Illi had the PK and there was an own goal. Auralliun Collin was there on the other team. After the game I played some slots at hollywood and didn't do well. I went down town to Westport and it looked like people were trying to get out and be social. Lots of bikes. I played some pinball and some video games and at about that time I walked around westport for awhile I called it a night and went home. Somehow in all this I got sunburned. I try to make it to westport once a quarter i suppose. I was there last november. Before the game I ate fried pickles at hooters which was 78 points in weight watchers. For those of you at home who don't know. That is hella shitty.

03/07/19

Yesterday at work we were a bit behind I did 6 batches when I got in and did 39 with Kyle. He got on my case about 4 bags but once we figured out everything we moved on because there was tons of shit to be done. We didn't know Austin the night guy wasn't coming in so we scrambled to get 3 batches at the end of the night. I did pretty good eating I don't remember much exept for a fetttichini dinner and beans and pickles

03/07/19

Sporting lost yesterday but they got an away goal. So they have to come home and whoop that ass 2-0 to move on. Their first MLS game is this sunday. I have been tracking my weight watchers points somewhat. I had a shitload of grapes yesterday. So I probably traked 75% this week. I don't think I am going to weight less this week I may weight more which would kind of suck because that is my one year anniversery but I feel good about myself and I feel good going forward when it gets nice I can get back under 200. I am at 224 now. I play apex legends a couple times and I try to play RFACTOR 2 but that game the nascar on it feels not right and the computer sucks at driving. I will continue to mess with RFACTOR to get a realistic nascar feel until then my sim season with Papyrus Nascar racing 2003 goes on. I got vacation in 2 more fucking weeks! I am going to try my best to do my taxes next year with turbo tax. HNR block is a rip off.

03/05/19

Today is Tuesday. I am just grinding with kyle to get shit done. In a couple weeks I will be at Royals spring training and I found out a couple of my friends will be there as well. It sounds like a good time. Royals lost salvy but gained well IDK. I played some Apex Legends today. I am going to try to learn what I can about the game. I played a bit of Asseto Corsa and Warthunder yesterday. Nothing excited to report. I got my team got beat 2 out of 3 on war thunder.

Sporting Loses in shitty ending

Sporting played pretty bad. 10 Yellow cards 1 Red card and a late game stunner to lose at LAFC. Next week they come home for the home opener. Zusi looked like shit. Like DJ from the chiefs just getting old. I played IL-STUMORVIK most of the weekend. It was really fun and I am not getting as sick as I once was. I am a russian and my name is Raf Rodmonovich. The game is a sim and it is very hard but addicting. I fell asleep just wanting to get back on that VR. When I was turning in formation with VR and my wingman was 20 feet away out of my window it was another HOLY SHIT moment.

Today Is Thursday

I went down to hollywood casino today and I played my mom's 10 dollars. I won 20 dollars and 20 for me. So that was a win. I went to an AA meeting. Things are going alright. Kyle isn't at work so it is just Chris and I throwing bags and listening to music. We are getting shit done in a timely fashion.

02/27/19

I lost my wallet today which sucks. I needed a Missouri one anyways. Now I can get a fishing lic. No more renting shit from JOCO library which sucks but we had a good run JOCO! I felt pretty good about everything I just need to keep in mind whre my passport my ss card is and birth certificate . I have been feeling pretty comfortable. I was glad to hang out with my nephew cortland and my dad over the weekend even though I got smoked in halo. I enjoy being around video games and it was fun to kick it as a guys week

race 2 offline atlanta I finish last again.

I can't seem to hang onto the car in traffic. Hopefully the more I play the more skilled I get

First game for Sporting 2019

Today was the kick-off for Sporting KC. They are in Champions league play and faced a tough Taluca squad. SKC dominated everything on their way to a 3-0 victory. Melia with the shutout. Gerso, Illi, and Nemeth with the goals. I guess we are going with Nemeth up top? Sweet victory. Hopefully sporting kc wins all the trophy's this year. Nemeth and Johnny Russel had great games. Nemeth is different than turn and burn at Dwyer and whatever the rest of the idiots did at the #9 in the past.

Another Chiefs season in the books.

My favorite part of the chiefs season is when Mahomes put the chiefs on his back and beat the ravens. It was my birthday and all my friends were there and having a good time. I have a feeling the chiefs are going to get back and they will be kicking lots of ass along the ways. I am looking forward to baseball season and going out to PHX where it will be warm.