Turn your life over to the care of good.

Today I was thinking about the hole in my heart that used to be really deep. Especially when I went to Royals games. St. Joseph also brought out a deep loneliness in me. St. Joseph is a dark place with trash and scrap metal yards, there are some cool spots, but when you are a hard core ex-drinker like me you tend to gravitate to the trash. Ok back to my point. My point was how I don't have this hole in my heart anymore. Back when I used to go to Royals and Chiefs games. Everyone was having a good time. Sometimes I would have a good time if I drank enough and was in just the right mood. Most of the time I felt empty that I wasn't a cool guy and I had no babes. I took no action to get babes or be the cool guy, I just got really drunk and complained to myself. That all changes 4 years ago when I discovered that hey maybe I could work out and talk to more people and choose friends who don't completely suck at life. Not to say that my friends that I have suck at life, but lets be honest it's not like Byrdman goes around bashing bro's arms and introducing me to hot babes all day. Anyway when I took responsibility for myself and started to actually be productive day in and day out that hole started to go away. Sometimes I would get mad that I was still not around babes all day at the games, but I told myself keep working out and keep get better and soon you will be good enough that people will want to be around you. I actively had to go out and get rejected by girls and guys to really bring in stronger people in my life. All this was going on while I was getting the crap kicked out of me in sobriety. When you face being alone in sobriety it character builds and it has you taking action to develop friendships. Now when I go to sports events I have the feeling of excitement and nerviousment to the point that my only worry is that some pee might dribble down my shorts in excitement at the game coming up. I really had a sad and lonely time in my twenties. The end of my time in St. Joseph was sad and the middle part of my time in Kansas City was sad. The rest of the time was pretty good. The real shame is that the feelings I had blocked me off from the joy that is baseball. Baseball is the love of my life.

Also I sometimes use the word GOOD instead of God. I have no idea what God is, but I know what is good is. So instead of "I turn my will over to the care of God" I will turn my will over to the care of "Good"